Mayme's Journey Through This Life

Round and round goes my sick little head

2007-08-14T10:45:00.000-04:00

I don't really even know where to start today. To be honest, I shouldn't be any where near this computer right now. I should be getting my house ready for John's sister to come. She gets here tomorrow and the house looks absolutely terrible. I just can't seem to get myself going on the things I know need done. I want to do them but I just can't seem to get moving. I haven't posted much lately because I don't feel much like doing that either. John is working hard and I just can't move. Some times I want so much to do something and then I just sit there and stare at it. It's like I can't figure out how to get started on it. Other times I bounce all around the house. Not peppy bounce. More like an unorganized, lost kind of bounce from one place and thing to another. I can't seem to keep my mind on track. I am excited about us going to the beach this weekend. I have never done something like this. I want to clean my house so I come home to a nice clean house. I want my house to look nice when Chris gets here. Then I sit and stare at it. I'm ashamed of how things look, but yet even that doesn't motivate me enough. I know John's sister is coming tomorrow. I don't want her to see it like this. I'm running out of time. I sit and stare. Then I do something but then something else grabs my attention and I am off on that. As I sit here typing I jump up and put something away and then come back to the typing. I am so completely unfocused. Why should it surprise me? It's nothing new. I have always been this way. It's just that something like company coming usually pulls me out of it more than it is now. I guess I will get it done. I will stay up all night tonight if I don't finish. I am such an unorganized procrastinator. I have also just felt so depressed. I haven't been this far down in such a long time. I went from feeling so great about myself when I dyed my hair to feeling so down that I can hardly move. I know that is why I am not getting much done. It's such a bad feeling to go from one extreme of emotion to the exact other. Just a few weeks ago I felt so happy that I couldn't sit still and I never wanted to shut up. Every thing in me felt like jumping up and down for joy on the inside. I tried to keep myself somewhat calmer than I felt. I kept myself somewhat calmer than I actually felt. Then it just all changed. One day I felt great. The next I felt like crying. Thoughts of suicide have come on strong. I haven't felt that bad since I got married. I am pushing away the thoughts but they come back. I refuse to let them stay though. My beloved little shih tzu, Momo died on Thursday. I have already been in the midst of this bad feeling and now I have lost him. I think it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Emotionally, I am already in a bad place. I keep catching myself going to check on him. Then I cry. I do feel like I am coming out of the suicidal thoughts though. Actually haven't had one in two days. I have felt really bad, but more like normal grief. I miss my little Momo. I do hurt and I do feel depressed, but I don't feel suicidal now. I guess I have been starting to come out of the deepest parts of the depression for two weeks now. A month ago I felt on top of the world. I have no idea why. I just felt good. The scary thing is I knew it wouldn't last and that I soon would feel like crap. It wasn't long after I thought that until I started to think maybe I was really just a pain in everybody's ass. Ha! The week before I thought everybody liked me. Then boom, nobody likes me I think I'll go eat worms. Shortly after that I wanted to die. Well, not all of me wanted to die. Just this really strange deranged part of me. Most of me still wanted to live, desperately. I think that is the part that keeps me from completely losing my mind. In those first days I wanted to cut my wrists. I actually ached in them. I just kept telling myself that it would pass and that it wasn't really how I feel. I haven't felt this way in years. I thought I was doing so well. I used to feel this way quite often. I really don't remember much of '97 & '98 because of it. It happened to a lesser extent in high school and shortly after. Since I met John it seemed to nearly vanish. I guess I have still felt it to a mild degree, but nothing like this. This past month has been pretty scary. My mind has been up, down and round and round. My thoughts seem to go flying through my head at lightening speeds when I feel good and then crawl slower than a snail when I feel bad. I am just glad that I feel like I am starting to crawl out of the hole of the depression and back to a medium, normal mood. I have never in my life been this honest about my feelings. I have never been this honest even with myself. It's a little scary to just write it and put it out for anyone to read. I'm just glad to be leaving the suicidal feelings behind. I hope they stay away for years again. This whole thing has probably made no sense whatsoever. I'm not going to change it though. It's an honest representation of what I am feeling, confusion and all. I'mm ready to face it now. I am seeing a counselor today. I think I need to bring up all of it. I don't think I have been ready to do that before. It has really helped me to write it down. Now that the world sees what a nutcase I really am, maybe I can just be myself. (except around my parents and my brother. i will never know how to do that around them I think. )

Asylum Door

2007-08-01T07:15:00.000-04:00

I stand alone in my silence,
Staring at the door.
The pain I feel within my heart,
Beckons me once more.
The door stands before me.
Why don't you come inside?
I promise I will keep you.
I'm the perfect place to hide.
Come in old friend!
The door calls out.
I've heard your screams.
I've heard you shout.
The locks I have are heavy,
To lock out your pain.
I promise to unlock them,
When you want out again.
Do you offer comfort, Door?
Or is it all a trick?
I know my weary heart,
Is slowly turning sick.
Asylum door within my heart,
What lies do you tell?
Are you my salvation?
Or are you my hell?
Asylum door inside my soul,
I know your locks are strong.
You are the perfect place to hide.
Please don't get that wrong.
The trouble with asylum doors,
Is that they won't let you out.
And then you're locked away inside,
Where no one hears you shout.

Locked Away

2007-07-21T11:23:00.000-04:00

Locked away inside myself
I have forgotten who I am
The girl inside me screams
Into the emptiness
That I have become
Once I lived for life
Each heartbeat strongly felt
Now inside she dies
Buried beneath
What others want me to be
Riding through the night
Inside a dream
I struggle to be let out
I want to scream
I want to run
Throw off my heavy clothes
Run naked in the field.
Find myself again
Learn to feel
Instead of hide behind
The boring, mundane world
That I have built around me
The world that has nearly killed me
Let me out.
I want to be
Set me free
Let me breathe
Run, run like the wind
Naked and free.

Strange dream

2007-07-21T09:37:00.000-04:00

In the dream I am with John and another woman. I don't really know who she is, but she is definately a friend of me and John. We have come to an underground cave and we are inside. For some reason we can see without the use of artificial lighting. Everything seems dark, yet we can still see it. We are able to walk from room to room of this cave without the need to bend or squeeze. It is a very open cavern yet there are definately different rooms. There is a small trickle of water about two inches wide that runs everywhere we are walking. We come to a rock ledge. Along the back wall of this room there is an opening about a foot and a half. It is circular. Inside the opening water runs down from above the opening filling the entire opening with water flowing like a showerhead, not like a waterfall, but only in one line. This is from where the small stream is coming. Suddenly, all the flow of water stops. A white mist comes over the area. There is a feeling of heaviness and evil. The woman is standing near me. John is standing a few feet away. The woman says to me, "Everything has stopped." I feel afraid for a moment and then I feel angry. I reach out my hand and in a very authoritative voice I say, "Get out! Get out now!" Then the mist lifts, the presence is gone and the water begins to flow again. Then we walk toward John. He is standing on a rock across what seems to be some sort of canal. It appears more man made than everything else. He is waiting for us. The canal seems to run parallel with the small stream. The canal is perhaps two to three feet wide. The bottom of it appears smooth, like poured cement. The canal rounds a bend and appears to disappear beside where the opening with the water was. I look into the water and say that it looks deep. The woman with me steps into the water beside me. I see that it is only a few inches deep. Then she takes a step away from where the opening in the stone was and toward a big open area. She drops off suddenly and is in water to her waist. She laughs and says that it must drop off in areas so we will have to be careful. I am still standing on the side. She turns to walk in the other direction. Suddenly, although the water is more shallow in that direction she is being pulled under and toward where the canal disappears next to the opening in the rock. I reach in and pull her with all my might. I pulled her up onto the rock beside me. John runs to us. He tells us not to go in that direction. I said, "Why? What is in that direction?" He says, "It's heart." So the three of us walk away toward the open area. I feel as though we are walking away from great evil. Then, I woke up.

Diabetes Strikes Again

2007-06-27T06:50:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted again in awhile. While I was gone Amanda was diagnosed with diabetes. It's been quite the nasty trip. About a week and a half ago Amanda went to one of Taylor's little league games. She had 2 hot dogs and some cheese fries while she was there. When she came home she went to the bathroom 3 times in the first half hour she was home. Then she drank 3 cans of diet sprite within ten minutes. It is unusual for Amanda to drink half a can at one time. I got out a blood testing meter and checked her blood. It was 349. It was 2 hours since she ate, but 349 is too high no matter what she ate two hours ago. I checked her urine for ketones and she had none. So, I decided to wait for John to get home from work in two hours to take her to the hospital. If she had ketones there is no way I would have waited. So, as long as she wasn't feeling sick and having no ketones I decided to wait on John. When he got home we went straight to the emergency room at Uniontown. Since it had been several hours and Amanda hadn't eaten her blood sugars were normal at the hospital. She was dehydrated though and needed an IV. She also had some sugar in her urine. To me, that was an indication that her blood sugar had been high. The ER doctor did not doubt me at all. She did release Amanda but told me to continue monitoring her blood sugar and to return if it became very elevated again. She also told me to contact the pediatrician on Monday and have her seen and also to have her doctor schedule a glucose tolerance test. So, I did that. I kept Amanda on a pretty low carb diet over the rest of the weekend and kept her numbers pretty normal. Monday when we went to the pediatrician is when things went bad. The pediatrician seemed quite offended that I would test her blood sugar. She went so far as to ask me what business I have with a blood testing meter. I told her 27 years as a type 1 diabetic was what business I had having one. (Not that anyone can't go buy one. They aren't exactly illegal.) She rather grudgingly ordered a glucose tolerance test. When I got home I looked more closely at the prescription. It was for a one hour glucose tolerance test. I thought to myself, "What good is a one hour glucose tolerance test when blood sugars tend to peak at two hours?" So, I called an endocrinologist and asked him if he thought the one hour glucose tolerance test was adequate. I was told it was absolutely not adequate and to take her to Children's. So, off to Children's we went. Had been still keeping her on a strict diet and her blood sugar was normal again. They released her again. This time though they told me to call the pediatric endocrinologist at Children's to get her in for the glucose tolerance test. I was told that I was doing the right things and that she may very well be a diabetic. They thought though that since her sugars were doing well with the diet I was giving her that we could do the testing as an outpatient. Of course if there were any radical changes I should come back to Children's immediately. So, we went home again. Later that day we went shopping. While were in Walmart it got to be time to eat. So we went to Subway. Amanda wanted a meatball hoagie, of course. I tried to get her to choose something else, but her heart was set on the meatball. I did convince her to get a wrap instead of a sub. I thought she would do OK since we cut down the carb a lot with the bread. She did not do well. Two hours later her blood sugar was 281. (Don't want to think what it would have been if she had the bun too.) I kept checking her blood sugar and saw that it was coming back down. I knew there was definately something diabetes related going on. Even though her numbers were coming back down, a healthy body doesn't reach that high when they eat. So the next morning I called the pediatric endo and told him about the 281 after Subway. He said that she needed the glucose tolerance test very soon. He said the only way he could get her scheduled to have it done soon enough was to admit her. So he asked me if I could pack her a bag and bring her straight to the hospital. I told him that I could but that I live over an hour away from the hospital so it would take me awhile to get there. He said that was fine as long as I made it before 5:00. I left John a message at work and set off for the hospital. We got stuck in traffic on a bridge (bridges make me nervous) for about half an hour. We also got stuck behind a car accident. One car was on its roof. We got to the hospital at 4:30. We left at 2:30. So, she got settled in her room. They took some blood. She met her doctors and nurses. She was a little afraid that I would leave her, but I told her I would be there with her for as long as she was there. She was a pretty good girl at the hospital. They did the glucose tolerance test first thing the next morning. She was very mad when she found out that she wasn't allowed to have breakfast. She started screaming "I want breakfast!" LOL Who could blame her? The doctors told her that if the test came back normal she could probably go home. They also checked all my blood testing meters for accuracy when they did the glucose tolerance test to rule out meter error. They were all perfectly accurate. When the doctors came back in the room after the test the first thing Amanda did was ask if she could go home. The doctors didn't reply to her right away. I knew her test hadn't come back normal. (but I didn't think it was going to) They told me that Amanda's sugar level seems to stay well within the normal range for the first two hours. When she hits that two hour mark after she eats her blood sugars spike to over 200. Then they come back down. So, since all the previous tests were done well past the two hours or else fasting her blood sugars appeared normal. She was very upset at having to stay in the hospital another night, but she did calm down. She did very well in the hospital. They started her on metformin and she got to come home the next day. Her blood sugars have been pretty good on the metformin. She is doing a great job at her diet. She has been reading about diabetes. She never complains about a blood test. I am so proud of how well she has done. I am pretty exhausted at the moment. I went straight from living at the hospital with Amanda to teaching music to 100 children at Bible school each evening. Tonight is Amanda's baseball party. I get a break from Bible school tonight. Amanda is looking forward to getting her trophy. She has asked me how to eat healthy for the party. We discussed it with the dietician and she is able to have a little pizza and a little cake without the icing. I knew if she didn't have diabetes something else was wrong. Doctors should take mothers a little more seriously. We know our kids.

Fire in the night

2007-06-16T06:59:00.000-04:00

I must have been ten at the time. My cousin, her husband and one year old baby, Amy lived in a trailer next to us. Living out in the country, living next to someone doesn't mean right next to them, but it wasn't terribly far. I still shared a room with my little brother back then. I think Mom had a fear of fires and didn't want either one of us down the hall. We were directly across the hall from her and Dad. My brother and I were in bed asleep when we heard a loud boom that shook our beds. A few minutes later we heard loud pounding at the door. We could hear Bill (my cousin, Patty's husband) saying the trailer was on fire. The trouble was, we only heard one voice. My brother and I went to the window. We looked out into the darkness but could clearly see a huge ball of fire lighting up the night. You could make out the length of the trailer and the flames came up around the sides and curved around at the top. The fire looked like a cylinder in the night. You could see nothing but the orange flames lighting up the darkness. I remember my brother and I being alone in the bedroom and wondering aloud if Patty and Amy were inside. It was really obvious that if they were it was well past too late. Soon we were downstairs. I don't remember if someone came up and got us or we just went down. I don't remember who told us but we did find out that Patty and Amy were spending the night at my aunt and uncle's house. The smoke detector made a little beep and nothing more, but the furnace had gone out. So, Bill took Patty and Amy to her parents house for the night. He was going to come home and try to get the furnace working. Just as he almost got home the trailer exploded into a ball of fire. I remember watching out the kitchen door as the firetrucks went past our house. Soon our house was full of family. I remember Patty crying. Morning came and everyone was still at the house, but the fire was out. The men had gone up to the trailer to see if anything was left. My brother and I went to sleep on the couch. We, of course, didn't have to go to school after the night we had just spent. When we woke up we overheard the adults talking about the dog. Apparently, Buddy's remains were found hiding under what had been the couch. Patty was crying for Buddy. He was a nice little dog. Then we heard about what had survived the fire and it wasn't much. What did survive made me think about what protected the family that night. I have never stopped believing that the little beep was not a coincidence, even though there wasn't any smoke detected at the time it went off. They lost everything except for 3 angel figurines, a copy of the poem "Footprints" and a Bible. The cover burned off the Bible, but not one page of print burned. I always thought the poem meant that "He" carried them through that dark night. The Bible was God's assurance that "He" was there. The 3 angels represented the 3 guardian angels that must have watched over each of the 3 people who lived there. I thought that in my child mind that day, but I have never stopped believing that. After my brother and I ate we walked to the trailer to see what was left. It was nothing but a huge pile of ash and some pieces of metal. I clearly remember the springs in the couch. The car sitting there with the glass burst out of it from the intense heat. Last night, John and I burned some garbage. While I stood there watching it burn memories of that night came back. When the garbage burned out I looked at the pile of ash that was left and I said to John, "That is exactly what Patty's entire trailer looked like." He answered, "I know. I've been there too." At that moment, I forgot that he had survived a fire. His house had been on fire and he had been inside. I try not to let fire bother me, but it does. I like a nice little fire, but don't let it get uncontained. I get a little worried when it starts to burn a little high. And forget ash! Any kind of ashes bother me to no end. I cannot stand for any kind of ash to touch me. It makes me feel very dirty and like I have to immediately wash. I do not want it to touch me, nor do I want to breathe the smell of it. The smell of dampened ash is nauseating. I can so clearly remember that smell from the morning after the fire. I remember walking through the ash and touching things. I was obviously not afraid of the ash then, but I do not ever remember a time after that I wasn't bothered by ashes. My father in law wanted cremated, probably for the sake of saving money for us. None of us liked the idea. I wouldn't have been able to stand to visit my sister in law if she kept Dad on a shelf in a jar. I just would have been too freaked out. She was very kind and understanding of my fear. She also wanted a burial. So Dad did not get his request for cremation. It bothered those of us left behind. Maybe all of us are a little bothered by surviving a fire.

Not been posting...

2007-05-23T07:31:00.000-04:00

Ah. Posting. Well, I just haven't felt much like it lately. I have had a horrible cold and cough. Feel like poo. Most of what I have felt like doing lately is sleep. I have been coughing so hard that I can't catch my breath. Then I end up dizzy and light headed. Yuck! Seems a bit better this morning. I hope it is going the other way. I have also been keeping really busy with appointments almost every day. We had a lot of appointments for Amanda last week. This week is full with appointments for everybody. I haven't even peeked at next week yet. I do know I have a diabetes support group and the diabetes forum meeting next week. Mid-June I have two health fairs in one week. I'm really worried about John. He has the same cold I have. He doesn't have the cough as bad but he looks so run down. These 10 hour days are really catching up to him with this cold. He is getting too tired. He has been getting some minor injuries at work. I know it is because he is too run down. I just keep praying that he keeps the injuries to minor ones. Yesterday he caught his belly between two sheets of steel. He doesn't even have a big belly. I told him he better be careful or he was going to catch something else between two sheets of steel. He told me it was nowhere near getting caught between the sheets of steel. I reminded him that his belly is pretty flat and is only a few inches away from that part. I told him I didn't want to hear it come over the scanner that they needed an ambulance at Brownsville Marine for some guy with his you know what smashed between sheets of steel. Just last week he didn't get his thumb out of the way of a chain in time. He actually thought it had taken his thumb off. Fortunately, it didn't. He really needs some down time to get over this. I know I am not doing the heavy work he is doing and I am having a hard time functioning.

Sex and candy

2007-05-11T06:35:00.000-04:00

Here we go with the part of my life I don't remember very well, life after Bill. There are parts that I remember quite clearly and parts that I know I just can't remember. High school was over. I started hanging out a lot with Reine. Reine and I went out together and picked up boys. She was never far away during these years. I loved her to pieces and still do. We had met back in that Christian school and had kept loose contact during high school. Reine was attending a Christian college and it was very strict. I think her rebellion was tied into that. My rebellion came from just not caring about anything anymore. Diabetes was a pain in the ass. I hated having it. I hated being different. I never tested. I lied about it. I ate whatever I wanted when my parents weren't looking. I sometimes didn't take my shot. I dreaded every single poke. I simply pretended it wasn't there. By now I had twice been forbidden to see a certain boy that I cared about. The first was Don. My parents forbid me to see him because they found out we were having sex. It hurt some, but Don and I were ready to move on, I think. I would have preferred to still speak to him though. And, well you know the story of Bill. Eating sugar and having sex appeared to be the two worst things I could do in the eyes of the adults around me. So, pass the donuts and where did you say you parked the car? During this period of time there were a string of boys that I had sex with. To be honest, I don't remember most of them. I was reminded of one that I had completely forgotten about a few years back. I read his name in the newspaper. He had been driving under the influence and was involved in an accident and his wife was killed. I had forgotten that I had even met him until then. Lots of "don't remembers" during these years. There were some boys that I remember quite clearly. Some I remember just because I do. Some I don't think of often but I could recall them if I tried. Some I remember because they mattered more to me. One young man in particular stands out in my memory. I wasn't in love with him, but I did like him a whole lot. He was my boyfriend for awhile, but my friend for quite a while longer. Lou (which is not what he goes by now) is not one of the ones I wish I could erase. I ran into him recently and we talked and had a few laughs. He's still a nice guy and I'm sure his wife is lucky to have him. (most of the time) Lou was a huge KISS fan. Lou had Christmas lights on the ceiling of his bedroom. Lou's mother didn't like me. I remember Lou's VW Rabbit that ran on deisel. He drove it through the woods, darting around trees, up to the water tower. It was nice sitting up at the water tower talking to Lou. Lou liked to tell me spooky stories and Lou took me to "The Gates of Hell". Lou and I had quite a sexual relationship. It carried on occassionally after we broke up. After sex we ate like hogs. That was not good for my blood sugar. Lou was the first person with which I went to a motel. Lou also was with me during some pretty bad diabetes related times. Once he thought I was dead. My blood sugar was high and I started to vomit while on a date with him. He took me to the hospital and called my mother. He stayed with me in the emergency room. He actually thought I died in the ER that day. He thought he was going to have to tell my mother that I died while out on a date with him. I was then admitted to the Intensive Care Unit. Lou never missed visiting me for a day. Only family was allowed in but he managed to get the nurses to let him in. One day he brought his friend Rick to see me. Some days he would hold me on the chair in my room. When he decided it was time for him to break up with me I was sad, but I still liked him. I am pretty sure he still liked me. We often spent time together as friends after that. When I recently encountered him at a Christian rock concert he told me that he doesn't allow his daughter to wear eyeliner. That is one of the funniest things I have ever heard considering he was the king of wearing eyeliner. You had to hide your eyeliner if you didn't want him to take it. He does have a very lovely family and I'm sure his wife must be wonderful and very patient! But he was a nice young man and I am sure he is still a nice man and I'm sure a good husband and father. It was nice to see him again. (but there were no sparks of the old romantic kind at all)

Well, right now I have to stop writing. I have a lot of things to do today. This period may take several postings to get through. It's a mixed bag. Some good memories are in there along with some bad and some that I just can't remember. There are some things that I remember quite clearly that I am not going to write. Those things could potentially cause problems in the lives of other people involved if members of thier family found this blog.

Memories of Bill

2007-05-09T19:37:00.000-04:00

Ah, the name Bill. It still brings tears to my eyes. I have definately fallen in love with John and wouldn't trade him, but Bill was something special. It was my senior year of high school. The first day of school I spotted him. There was something about him that just took my breath away every time I saw him. The thing was, he was only a freshman. I later found out just how much younger he was than me, 2 years, 6 months, 13 days. Not so bad now, big difference in high school, especially when the girl is older. Bill didn't look like a freshman. A few weeks went by and I would catch a glimpse of him here and there. He always had his black leather bag that he used to carry his books. I can still remember the smell of that bag. I remember the day we first spoke. We were in the hallway near the office. We should have both been in class. We started talking and exchanged phone numbers. I was having high blood sugars that day so I went in to see the nurse. My hands were sweating and shaking and I could hear my heart beating. No boy had ever caused that much of a reaction in me. My parents came to school to pick me up since my blood sugar was high. I went home and hoped he would call me when he got home. He couldn't have been home long when the phone rang. I found out the one thing I didn't want to hear. He had a girlfriend, but she didn't go to our school. We talked for hours though and laughed a lot. Then his call waiting beeped. Hold on. So, he comes back on and tells me it is his girlfriend and he has to go. So we say good bye. I lay down on my bed and feel so many mixed emotions. I felt so good about talking to him and so down about him having a girlfriend. Half an hour passed and the phone rang again. Bill again. He broke up with his girlfriend. He said he felt things when he talked to me that he never felt with her. At that point Bill and I became inseparable. (or so we thought) Every moment we could we were together. If we couldn't be together we were on the phone. If we couldn't be on the phone we were thinking about when we could be together or at least speak again. When I was with Bill, there was nothing wrong in the world. Bill and I were always laughing. I remember the time we went to Giant Eagle with my mother. She was shopping for groceries and we were being silly as usual. It was near St. Patrick's Day. We found the green novelty items on display in the store. Yes, 2 green beanies with propellers on top, a green bow tie for Bill and a green garter for me. We adorned ourselves with these in the store and snuck up on my mother. She bought the green stuff. We wore it all to school the next day. I have so many memories of Bill. So many memories of him being here, where I live now, visiting my grandparents. I have so many memories of him being at my parents house. I have a few memories of being at his house, the gray one on the corner of Wine Street. We didn't go to his house often. His mother was a beautiful thing, but sometimes she got mad. When she got mad the Arabic would fly. Bill used to say, "I love you, my sweet." to me in Arabic. I still remember it. Bill had two brothers. Tony was a few years younger than Bill and Alan was a baby. I think he was two. Alan called Bill, Bobo. I remember sitting on the floor, watching tv in Bill and Tony's room when little Alan would come running through in his little blue footie pj's. Then he would climb on us and give us hugs and kisses before Vicky put him to bed. Then one day, out of the blue, Bill was not home when I called. Vicky said he was at Jeff's house. OK. He usually told me when he was going over to a friend's so I could do what I wanted until he came back. He didn't come home until late. The phone finally rang. (Now is when the tears still start to come.) His mother found one of our little notes. We often joked in a note about "sex on top the lockers". It was actually a reference to something someone once said. We found it completely funny because the tops of the lockers were extremely sloped. If anyone even attempted that they were most likely going to cause great bodily harm to themselves. We were not having a sexual relationship. We had made the decision to wait until we were both older. I had also just had my eighteenth birthday. His mother was forbidding him to even speak to me again. She did not even want us to be able to say good bye face to face. He was strictly forbidden any further contact with me. He was not allowed to do anything at all except go to school and she had an answer for keeping us apart at school too. She paid kids to spy on us to be sure we were not talking at school. My heart was breaking. The dreams Bill and I had of one day getting married and building a house on top of the hill behind my parents house were crushed. The house we planned was so vividly created by us that I can still picture what it would have been like. Both of us longed for the chance to at least say good bye. So through friends that we trusted to not be in on his mother's scheme we set a plan. Meet in the gymnasium under the bleachers during fifth period the next day. I put on my new blue and white striped skirt that morning. I wanted to look nice to see him that one last time. When I sneaked into the gymnasium, he was already there. We gave each other back the things we had. Then we embraced and cried. We missed the entire period. We stayed hidden under the bleachers, holding each other, clinging to the last moments we had. The bell rang for the next period. It was time to go our separate ways. Bill walked away into the hallway and into the flood of kids coming out of classrooms. I stood there, crying. From then on we would catch each other's glance in the hallway, in the cafeteria, outside the school but could only look at each other. The pain showed on his face and I know it showed on mine. I vomited for three days. I couldn't sleep. I lost weight. My Bobo was gone. That's when I gave up. I just simply did not care any more. I would become very promiscuous because every ounce of my love had been crushed. Oh, how I hated Vicky! Can't say she is one of my favorite people to this day. Years later as I was getting off work late one night at Eat 'n Park I saw Tony in the lobby. We started talking and then we went to my car. Sitting in the darkness at midnight Tony told me things. Things about that break up. Tony told me that Vicky had other motives for breaking us up. I was not the one she wanted her son to marry. Tony told me that Bill had loved me very much. Then Tony told me the thing that still brings tears to my eyes. He said that even Bill wasn't aware of it, but since he shared a room with Bill he saw it. While Bill slept he cried and called my name. Tears would fall from his eyes even as he was sound asleep. It went on for months. Tony had been angry all these years about what his mother had done. Well, that probably made at least three of us. A few years later I was saw Bill in Giant Eagle. I was looking at something on a shelf and felt someone standing behind me. They were looking at the same thing I was and were standing behind me and to the side. I turned around and got the shock of my life. The person behind me was Bill. Next to him was his wife. My hands immediately started to tremble. Bill introduced me and his wife. She seemed nice enough. My hands trembled for at least an hour afterwards though. Now Bill lives in Italy with his wife. I haven't seen Tony since that night in the car. It wasn't until I met John that I got over Bill enough to say I wouldn't have walked away from anyone if Bill came back. John is the only man that I have ever loved more than Bill. John is the only one I would have ever chosen over Bill. John knows the whole story of Bill. He thinks it is incredibly sad. John and I ran into Vicky recently. She introduced me to her co-workers as one of her son, Bill's, old friends from high school. John spoke up and said, "She was his girlfriend in high school." Vicky was telling them how we "hung out" together. John told me later it was like she was ashamed to say that we were more than friends back then. So he decided to say something.

My life as a diabetic...teenage years....part 1

2007-05-09T06:36:00.000-04:00

The next few years were pretty uneventful. Pretty good control. Did what I was told. Then came the teenage years. This part may not be real clear. I don't remember a lot of it. It isn't any wonder. The beginning of my teenage years weren't too bad. I went to Christian school. My Christian school friends were wonderful people. I never felt out of place with them. Then the school started to go down hill. I went back to public school. Boom. Ninth grade and public school. I had no idea how to fit in with these kids. I was awkward. They were mean. It did not take long before I was severely depressed. That is one reason I don't remember a lot of it. The other is probably because my blood sugar was so far out of control. Suicide was a pretty prominant thought. Day in and day out I would wish I was dead instead of having to face another day at school. That's probably a big part of the reason I have not gone to a reunion. Don't get me wrong. There were a lot of good kids there too. I hear from the good ones once in awhile. The ones that made me feel like crap, well let's just say I don't really care what happened to them. And with the depression came problems. I did not even bother to test my blood sugars. I didn't want to live so why did I care what my blood sugar was. I ate anything I wanted. Sometimes I would even take massive doses of insulin. I would binge and eat every kind of sweet thing I could find. I would get sick and miss school or classes. Teachers thought I was faking. Students thought I was a loser. Then came my eleventh grade year. It was a troublesome year at best. I had my first sexual experience. I wasn't ready, but I can't really say I regret it. It was what it was. Now the ones that followed I can honestly say I regret most of them. (At least I would if I could remember most of them.) He did not pressure me and he never treated me badly. I remember riding in his bronco singing to the radio mostly. I often ate things when I was with him that I shouldn't. That is when I really started having problems. I would eat things I shouldn't. Then my blood sugar would be extremely high. I would be so thirsty and feel so ill going to class. I could hardly stand how dry my mouth felt during class. To be able to bear the dryness I would suck on a lollipop during class! Talk about adding fuel to the fire. Then I would rush to the bathroom between classes to pee. I started carrying a one liter bottle of diet coke with me at all times. I could drink it in no time. I was always exhausted. I couldn't stay awake. I would fall asleep any chance I got. And.........everyone thought I was faking. They thought I wanted out of class. I missed so much class that I was totally lost in all my classes. I felt stupid when I did go to class. Every day I hated myself more. Then came the day, January 11, 1986, when it all became almost too much for my body to bear. I felt pretty ill. I was vomiting violently, projectile vomiting. I just kept getting sicker and sicker. My dad does not handle sickness well and he was angry. I knew he loved me but the more I saw his anger the more I just wished the diabetes and this sick feeling would take me. It almost did. After much vomiting my mother decided to take me to the hospital. She went to get the car. I tried to walk out to the car but couldn't make it. I laid down on the floor in the hallway. That made my dad mad. I cried for awhile as I rode to the hospital. I don't remember how I got in the car. Then I just felt too sick to cry. My mom took me to Uniontown Hospital. Back then the emergency room had two areas. One was a hallway with a bunch of small exam rooms. That is where they took the minor emergencies. Then there was the other room. It was one big room with several beds, separated by curtains. That was where the major emergencies went. I was taken to the big room. By this time I was not only vomiting almost constantly, but I was struggling to breathe. I was later told that my breath could be felt six feet away. I remember a nurse coming in and telling me to stop breathing like that. It was the only way I could breathe. I had no contol over it. I felt physically and emotionally like shit. I don't remember a lot. Just a lot of blood tests and more vomiting. I must have had an IV but I don't remember. Then a nurse came in (a different one from the one that told me to stop breathing like that) and asked me if I was afraid to fly. I told her that I wasn't. So they prepared me for the arrival of the helicopter. I was going to Pittsburgh and I was going in a hurry. The helicopter ride was OK, except for having to pee halfway there. There is no place to pee in a helicopter. I was rushed into Children's Hospital. There things really started moving. I was hooked up to everything. I had IV's in both arms and my leg. I was put on a monster of a machine. It was an insulin pump and it was the size of a typewriter. I am convinced that crude insulin pump saved my life. I was put on oxygen, which I hated. I kept pulling it off my face. (even in my sleep) I wanted a drink so desperately but they wouldn't give it to me. When someone wiped my face with a washcloth I grabbed it and sucked it. I didn't get my face wiped anymore. My heart rate while lying perfectly still was 180 beats a minute. Over the next 8 hours I lost fourteen pounds. My parents were told that my body was doing the equivelant of running uphill for days without a rest. My dad and brother met me in Pittsburgh. I asked to see my brother when he got there. I told him I was not going to die. I really was pretty close to it. My parents sat by my side. My brother waited outside the room. I was in a room meant for 3 patients. I was in it alone because they needed that much room to care for me. At one point I remember telling my mother that my heart rate would go down but I was tired and needed to sleep. When I awoke she was sitting there. I asked her if my heart rate had gone down at all. She said that it hadn't. I told her to look again. With every bit of me I willed my heart to slow down. My heart slowed down. While I had been asleep I dreamed (?) I went to the edge of heaven. I couldn't go in. It wasn't time. Then I woke up. I told my mother that I was not going to die. Then I began to heal. By the next day I was walking around the halls and acting like a teenager. But in the next few years, I would continue to rebel...

My life as a diabetic....diagnosis

2007-05-08T06:34:00.000-04:00

It was late January 1980. I was a few months shy of turning eleven. I was in the fifth grade at Franklin Elementary. My teacher was Mr. Krepps. I was a very thin little girl to begin with but I was at the age where I started to see myself as fat. I started to get unusually thirsty, tired and had to pee almost constantly. I could hardly stand how thirsty I was. I would excuse myself from class a lot so I could get a drink of water and go to the bathroom. My clothes were starting to get loose and I was so tired that I stopped going out to recess. I can remember telling Missy, Mari Jo and Karin in the girls' restroom that I was losing weight. During this time Mr. Krepps had noticed my unusual habits. He called my mother. That night my mother watched me drinking lots of water. For every glass of water I got she poured one into a gallon jug. In an hour's time I had drank a gallon of water. The next day she took me to our good old fashioned family doctor. He had me sit on the table. He took my vitals, looked into my eyes. Then he leaned over and sniffed me. He straightened up and told my mother that I was a diabetic. He told her not to feed me after midnight (like a gremlin) and to take me first thing in the morning for bloodwork. That was Feb. 1, 1980. February 2 my parents took me to the hospital for my bloodwork. After we went out to breakfast. I think we went to Winky's but I'm not sure. I think I had french toast with syrup. That was the last time I ever had real syrup. February 2 is my mother's birthday. That night we had a birthday cake for her. We were still waiting on the results of my blood test. I decided I did not want to eat the cake. (probably good after having had so much syrup for breakfast) The next morning I noticed my mother was so glued to the telephone that she looked like it was a part of her. She was sitting at the kitchen table with that old green telephone stuck to the side of her head. The results had come in. I was definately a diabetic. Our old family doctor had my mother call Dr. D'Auria, a pediatrician to get me admitted to Children's Hospital. Later that day we were making our first of many trips to Children's. As I was being taken to my room I noticed all the kids wearing a board taped to thier arms. It wasn't long until I would be wearing one of those. I soon found out that children in Children's Hospital did not wear pj's during the day. You got to wear your regular clothes. I liked that. Soon they came in to give me a shot and put in what they called my heparin lock. So, that's what the board was! They put an IV needle into my hand and taped it down. There wasn't an IV in it. It was like a little port that they used to take blood out. Heparin was put in after they took blood out. They strapped my arm down to this board so I wouldn't dislodge it. I was given an IV in the other arm for the fluids I needed. So now I looked like the other kids on the ward. I was shown where the pee room was. That was the room where we would learn to do our own urine tests. I was shown the kitchen and then I was taken to the pool room. It didn't have a pool, but it did have a pool table. It had games, a stereo and a pay phone. There were comfy chairs and all the kids my age and older were there. The little kids had a separate room with little kids' toys. There was an older teenage boy in there playing pool. I wanted to talk to my grandmother on the phone but I didn't know how to call her with it. He told me I could call her collect if she will accept the charges. Then he taught me how to do it. My grandmother told me to call her collect as often as I wanted and to talk as long as I wanted. I had always been very close to her and spent almost all my free time with her. So, it was hard for me to be away from her. In the days that followed I learned many things. I learned how insulin worked and how it didn't work in me. I learned to take urine tests and give my own shots. I learned very quickly that I had the kind of diabetes that pills won't help. I learned which people were from the lab. I found all the closets on the floor and learned how to hide in them. I hated to see the lab people coming. It didn't take them long to learn that I liked to hide in the closets. Then I was introduced to an old timer. He was a ten year old boy who had been a diabetic since he was five. He was given the duty of showing me how to do a urine test. I thought he was really "cute". So there we stood outside the pee room, me and the cute boy holding our cups of pee. He told me to put so many drops of pee in the test tube and so many drops of water. Then put in the tablet. Don't touch the test tube now. It gets very hot and will burn you. The mixture of pee, water and tablet began to bubble and change colors. Then he showed me how to read the results from a color chart. There was another tablet that checked for ketones. You just put pee on it and it changed color. It didn't get hot and wouldn't hurt you if you touched it. The cute boy's name was Kenny. I only saw him once after I left the hospital, several years later. I was in the hospital for a week. I stopped worrying about being fat.

Long talk with an old friend

2007-05-05T06:38:00.000-04:00

I have had many wonderful girlfriends in my life. The trouble is I tend to lose touch. It isn't that I don't want to talk to them or that I ever forget about them. I simply just hibernate in my little world. I get to feeling lonely sometimes, but it is my own doing. It isn't easy to get out with Amanda so I don't go out as often as I should. I tend to do all my running while she is at school and it is usually done in a hurry. I used to talk on the phone alot. Now I hardly do. I am much more likely to be on the internet. I don't ever forget them. I actually think about them all quite often. Yesterday, I just got the desire to give one of my girlfriends a call. It was a nice, lovely, long chat. It was as if there wasn't even a pause in our contact. I remember the day we met. It was the first day of kindergarten. We were both wearing the same cardigan sweater. That is what started our first conversation. From that day on we were great friends. In our adult lives we haven't had a lot of contact, but picking up the phone yesterday was just like picking up where we left off. We talked for hours and it was wonderful. She has recently had a baby. I was so happy for her and maybe just a little jealous! I'm always a little jealous of women with babies. She told me that another friend is pregnant! She gave me the other girlfriend's email address. I sent her an email last night. I hope I hear from her! I am sure glad I picked up the phone yesterday. I am really going to have to make more of an effort to stay in touch with my girlfriends. These wonderful ladies are the ones that knew me way back when. They were the ones that were there when I developed diabetes. They knew me before I had diabetes. (even though it seems like I have always had it) I have always loved them and it is time I act like it. I just hope they realize that I have always cared about them.

Unsavory memory

2007-05-04T06:57:00.000-04:00

Two posts in one day and both before 8:00 am! I must be ill. Actually, a memory that I don't usually think about came into my head. I guess I feel I just need to let it out. I was probably about eleven years old. It was near Christmas. My parents had just started to let me go on my own in stores. We were in a discount store. My parents had left me shop on my own. The store was very busy. Near the door was a table with gloves on it. I was looking for a pair of gloves that I liked and was digging through the pile. I hadn't noticed the older man watching me at the time. I'm pretty sure he had been though. He seemed very old to me at the time, but at that age most adults seem old. He did have gray hair. I remember exactly what he looked like. He had a beard and was wearing a brown coat. He was not particularly tall or short. He had a fairly average build. He came up to me and said, "Nice evening to be out Christmas shopping. I just bought a new car. It's just outside the door. Would you like to see it?" I dropped the gloves and turned as fast as I could and ran to the back of the store. There I found a rack of winter coats. I crawled in under the rack. It was one of those round racks and I was able to disappear into the center. I stayed under there for quite some time until I thought maybe he was gone. I went and found my mother and stayed pretty close to her the rest of the evening. I didn't tell her. As a matter of fact, I never told anyone. I was afraid at the time that my mother would never let me shop alone again. After that I simply pushed it out of my mind. I never really thought about it after the weeks that followed. Until today. I have no idea why it came back to me today. I just wonder if my fear led to that horrible man taking some other child. I wonder what would have happened to me if I went to look at his car. Would I be in my grave? Would I have ever even been found? I doubt I was the only child he ever came after. How many did he actually get? Who was he? Where is he now? Is he still a threat to children? And if he took other children, is it my fault?

Happy Birthday to my baby!

2007-05-04T05:35:00.000-04:00

Today my Jenny is fifteen! When she was born she weighed 5 lbs. 3 oz., born on 5/4/92 at 5:05 pm. She was 18 inches long. Her birth took 20 minutes! Her father was present, but was upset because he was going to miss the end of Darkwing Duck. He joked and said she could have waited until the show was over to be born. Well, at 5:05 she actually did! LOL She was born with lots of hair and it was platinum blond. Over the years she has given me a lot of joy and made me very proud. So far she has caused very few gray hairs. Today we are spending the day together. She does not have to do any schoolwork today. We are starting out by going out to breakfast. She is getting most of her presents on Sunday at the family party. I do have a small gift to give her at breakfast. Going to be a nice day for us.

On another note the swelling in my ankles is finally gone. Doctor is running some tests, but I might have been worried for nothing. The swelling seems to have gone away with the end of my period. However, the swelling was so bad that it left bruising. I guess we'll see what the tests reveal. Today I am going to have my hearing tested. I have had a very hard time hearing John lately and I noticed I am turning up the tv. Things are sounding a bit garbled. So, off to see Jimmy (Cuz) today! His patients do tend to look at us funny when I call him Cuz and we hug and laugh. Jenny is going with me. She wants to go. (Not that me having a hearing test is exciting or fun.)

Well, I am going to go now and pack John's lunch for work. I bought sandwiches at Sheetz. All I have to do is put everything in the lunchbox. Lazy me! Ha!

A few more pictures.

2007-04-25T06:05:00.000-04:00

Not much to say this morning. Still a little on the depressed side. Maybe tomorrow I will be more talkative.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2007-04-24T10:02:00.000-04:00

Everything sucks! I just want to go to bed and sleep forever.

Playing with the new camera

2007-04-20T07:41:00.000-04:00

Here are a few of the first pictures I have taken with our new camera. I am still learning to fly the thing! I am really loving it though. I will be taking more pictures over the weekend. I don't have much time to post this morning.

Today will be the first day I attend one of these diabetes committee meetings. I was talking to the CDE in my doctor's office tomorrow about it. She seemed very happy that I will be there. She was very supportive what I am doing. Well, my mind is pretty blank this morning. I have a lot of things I want to get done before I go anywhere. I should get started instead of sitting at the computer!

Weeeeeeeeee! New toy!

2007-04-19T07:35:00.000-04:00

Yay! The state tax refund came yesterday. It wasn't huge but it was big enough for us to go purchase the toy we have been eyeing up! We are now the proud owners of a Canon Powershot S3 IS! So now we have to learn to fly it! We figured out the basic point and shoot photography on it. So we can at least start taking a few pics! There is a lot on that camera so we will be doing a lot of learning. I think it is a pretty nice camera for the price. Nothing is really wrong with the old one. We just wanted to get a new one with more options. We are so excited about our new camera. I couldn't sleep last night. I was just too excited! We went to bed talking about how it was nice to buy something for once that wasn't just "good enough". We spend 95 % of our time battling the high cost of being alive. It just felt so good to buy that camera. I am taking it with me to the doctor's office today. I might see something along the way. I will be stopping at my parents house on the way to the doctor. I want to show them our new camera. I have to stop anyway to let Jenny off so she can do her school work. Well, I best be getting dressed. I have an early appointment.

Love Lost

2007-04-18T08:33:00.001-04:00

You kiss me good night.
And you kiss me hello.
You hold me tight.
You love me I know.
But when was it last,
That we shared from our heart?
And why does it seem,
That we’re growing apart?
The love hasn’t died,
For the feelings are strong.
But it’s days full of closeness,
For which I desperately long.
I miss quiet whispers,
In the stillness of night,
And the sweet sound of laughter,
Saying all is still right.
I don’t doubt for a moment,
That you love me as much,
But I long for some closeness,
And your sweet, gentle touch.
Your work helps our finances,
But it’s not without cost.
Because you’re not with me,
I feel very lost

Alone

2007-04-18T08:12:00.000-04:00

Alone in my dark spaces
I sit and wait
Hoping desperately
For someone to reach out
Wanting to share with me
Stories and tales
Words and laughter
A moment in time
Anything to show
That I am seen
That I am alive
Someone show me
That I am not a bother
That my presence
Is not avoided
I do not want
To be alone

Loneliness

2007-04-18T07:43:00.000-04:00

I am finding myself feeling lonely. I suppose in the very near future I will be too busy to be lonely. I also will be having much more contact with people so that will also be a fix for the loneliness. Sometimes as I am busy cleaning the house and preparing meals I just wish someone was near me. John working so much is really bringing me down. I miss him so much. I miss our mornings together and our sharing lunch. I am glad he is working days now but I miss those special times we had alone. My children are teenagers and they want me to leave them alone! LOL Amanda is gone from 6 am to 4 pm every day at school. Jenny is at my parents house every day for her schoolwork. John is at work. I am alone. John is gone 12 hours a day, six days a week. Sundays we go to church in the morning and then the rest of the day goes by so quickly. Evenings he is a zombie on the couch. I so desperately want a day where his thoughts are not on work. A day we can spend together doing whatever feels right at the moment and talking a lot. I miss talking to him. Saturday we had a great day as a family. We just took off for the day and went taking pictures of whatever struck us. It was a wonderful day and it passed too quickly. John was actually off this past Saturday. I would like more days like that. I probably talk too much sometimes when I get around people. It's just that I so rarely get to talk to people. I know that is going to change when I get really started talking to people about diabetes, but for now I am lonely. I am really looking forward to the lunch on Saturday. I won't be lonely that day! I will be surrounded by friends and family! Well, I better get going. Amanda is home today to get ear molds. I have things to do. Perhaps someone will even talk to me today.

Friday the Thirteenth!

2007-04-13T06:49:00.000-04:00

And just what will it hold? Will it be a day of misfortune or a day of great times? Over the years, I must say that Friday the 13th has more often been a day of good luck for me. I have had a few misfortunes that fell on Friday the 13th. I have lost 2 cats on Friday the 13th. One of them was a black cat! She just took ill and died. The other was a kitten that wondered too close to the road. I cannot remember any other misfortune on Friday the 13th. I guess if the cats make it through today we are doing good! I woke up with a headache and upset stomach. I am hoping it soon goes. I took some tylenol and it seems to be easing up a bit. If the pain from my head stops the stomach should calm down. It feels like a mild migraine. Not one of those flat on my back, vomiting all day ones. This one isn't as bad but I still am feeling the light and noise sensitivity. The computer screen actually hurts to look at but I'll do it anyway. Stubborn, aren't I? John left me in bed this morning for a while but I got up before he left. I must have drifted back to sleep though. I thought I heard him yelling, "Help!" I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs, thinking something horrible had happened to him. I made myself dizzy and my head thump doing that! I got down here and he was sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal, a cup of coffee, reading the newspaper! He looked up at me like I was in serious need of the men in the white coats. I asked him if he had called for help. He said he hadn't. I guess I must have dreamed it. Seemed real and it scared me. I guess maybe I should be up though. Before that I was dreaming that there was blood in my infusion tubing. I checked it all out. Everything is fine. I wondered if my dreams were being triggered by my blood sugar being either too high or too low. I tested. It was a little on the high side for a fasting reading, but not terrible. It certainly wasn't high enough to be concerned. It is most likely a little higher because I don't feel well. Such a nice little disease though. It gets high because you don't feel well and then you don't feel well because it is high! It actually isn't high enough to make me not feel well. Later in the day after I had eaten something it would be a perfectly normal reading. It's just a little up for not having eaten. Ah, the twists and turns of diabetes. I can't even imagine how high I would be without my pump. (Sweet Pumpernickel, I love you! LOL) I guess diabetes is about to become even more a part of my life than it has been for 27 years. I have always believed things happen to you for a reason. At the age of ten I believed my diagnosis was a part of a bigger plan for me. I never felt I was simply to just silently go along being a diabetic and telling nobody. I now know where that diagnosis was leading me all those years ago. I am going to help people with diabetes. I will soon be involved very heavily in diabetes patient advocacy. I will be starting to work with elementary schools in the area on Monday. I start with the very school I attended when I was diagnosed. I am not exactly sure what all this endeavor is going to entail, but it is taking off and fast! Because of how everything has just fallen into place I am sure this is why I have diabetes. Here is the weird thing about it all. I actually caught myself enjoying the kind of life diabetes has brought to me. I am actually feeling very fulfilled.

Morning grumps and controversial shot for girls.

2007-04-06T06:33:00.000-04:00

I am in a grumpy mood. I didn't start out that way. As a matter of fact I was in a good mood until John left for work. Then I went to the basement to start some laundry. John has sat 2 big boxes of books that I had ready to go to Goodwill right in front of the dryer. I had to drag them so I could open the dryer. Then I look up and notice that the top to the game table I had him give to the youth group last night is still sitting there. So instead of a multi-game table he has just given them a miniature pool table. (along with all sorts of things for other games that they have no top for!) The air hockey and table soccer top are still sitting there. Great! Now I have to call the pastor and tell him he only has part of the table before he thinks it is a broken piece of junk and tosses it! Oh, well. He was tired, but it still bugs me.

Jenny has to go to the doctor today. Nothing wrong. Just a physical and booster shots. She's getting gardasil. It's the one that protects against the hpv strain that causes some cervical cancers. So much controversy surrounding it because hpv is sexually transmitted. The thing is the vaccine protects her for life. I can't very well expect that in her lifetime she will never have the possibility of being exposed. It is, I believe, the most widespread STD there is. So, the thing is that once a girl is exposed to the virus the vaccine won't help. So, in order to protect a girl for life you have to give her the shots while she is still a virgin, or at least not exposed to the virus. It doesn't mean you are giving her the OK to go out and have sex or that she will go out and have sex. It means you are protecting her for life against something that has the potential to do great harm to her if she would ever be exposed. You can have the perfect daughter that saves herself for marriage and she marries a man who has been exposed. So, there your perfect daughter who waited for her wedding night gets exposure to the virus on the wedding night. If the daughter got the shot in her early teen years her chances of getting it are very slim. If she didn't she will have to be watched closely for the rest of her life for the beginning of cervical cancer. (and chances are that most daughters out there are NOT going to be that perfect daughter) Jenny and I sat down and talked about it all. She says at this point in her life she hopes to wait for marriage. (I know she might be saying that because I am her mother, but at this point I believe her.) But it makes no sense to me not to get the shot. I don't want her to ever have to have that worry. If one shot can lessen the odds she will get cervical cancer at some point in her life I am all for it. If I wait until she seems to be very interested in sex I might be too late. You can't deny that a girl will have sex at some point in her life. So, if you can do something now to protect her later I believe you should. So, my daughters will be protected. (Amanda had hers. She may never be sexually active, but you never know. )

In Control

2007-04-03T06:04:00.000-04:00

This morning it really hit me. My diabetes is finally what I would call in good control. It has taken 27 years to get here, but I have gotten here. So many bumps along the road, but I made it. There were some big challenges that I faced on that journey. Blood sugars that didn't cooperate even when I did everything "right", periods of no insurance or very bad insurance, depression, divorce, divorce again, domestic abuse, very little money, bad choices and plenty more. I didn't get here without complications, but I don't have the worst of the complications either. And I am here, in control. I nearly lost hope of ever getting good control. After all, I had tried for 27 years and hadn't reached it. There was one particular day I nearly gave up all hope. I went to my endo's office and things were not so good. I made the statement to the nurse that I was really putting alot of effort into it and I wasn't dead yet, so it wasn't too late yet. The only thing she said was, "Sometimes it is too late." I never felt every ounce of hope and positive feelings come crashing down so hard and fast in my life. I don't think I replied. I don't even remember much about the rest of the day except thinking, "Maybe it is too late. Maybe my life is really already over." I thought about dying. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be here with John and my girls. I enjoy my life with them. So, I made a decision. If my insurance would cover it I would try to get on an insulin pump. I was doing everything the doctor told me to do on the shots and was not getting any better. I checked out the pumps on the market. I talked to some reps and I watched videos. I checked my insurance and they gave me no problems with getting a pump. So, the next time I went to the endo I asked for a pump. I was prepared to have to argue my case for one, but I didn't need to argue. She simply said she would get me started on the process right away. In less than a month I was using an insulin pump. Now, only three months later, I am in control. Not only that, my control is continually improving! I am convinced that I would have had control all along if I had an insulin pump. I wasn't doing "wrong" things. Sometimes my circumstances prevented me from doing the best things. I did eat bad things when I was suicidal. I figured if I was going to kill myself anyway I might as well go out with a belly full of cookies. Don't think I even enjoyed them though. Now with my pump I can eat a cookie or two and still be in control. Now, those cookies I REALLY enjoy. When I do allow myself a treat on my pump I eat it slowly and really taste each bite. Then I test like a mad woman in fear of a spike in my readings. Nope. No spike. I have handled it well. Such an impossiblity for me on shots. I still do not allow myself a lot of treats. It is nice for them to remain treats and to be special. The other thing is shots! I haven't had a shot in three months. I remember that first day in Children's Hospital. They told me I would have to take shots for the rest of my life. No ten year old wants to hear that. Not only did I have to take shots every day for the rest of my life but they expected me to give them to myself! (Come here, Nursie! Let me stick a big, sharp pointy needle in you and see if you like it! LOL) Now, here I am 27 years later and have had no shots in 3 months! So, I still have to poke myself for blood tests. (I had to do it with shots too.) I still get poked with a needle to get my insulin, but it isn't a shot. And it most certainly is not every day and several times a day. Once every 2-3 days and it is done. It doesn't even hurt as much as the shots. Sometimes the antiseptic I use on my skin stings a little. That is usually the worst of it. So, I am in control and not taking shots! Yay! Of course, I still have that issue of my ankle problem. No answers yet. It does weigh heavily on my mind, but... Regardless, of what happens with my leg...I will not die from it. I am conquering the life threatening aspects of diabetes. I AM IN CONTROL!

Stormy Sunday

2007-04-02T06:18:00.000-04:00

Ok. Who stole the night? I think I fell asleep the minute I crawled into bed last night and morning came too quickly. I changed the sheets on the bed last evening, so I had the smell of fresh sheets when I went to bed last night. I always love that first night in the fresh bed. Yesterday wasn't the Sunday we had planned, but it turned out pretty good anyway. We got up and went to church. I really enjoyed the service. After church we went to my parents for lunch. We usually go there after church on Sundays. Mom and Dad don't go to church and it is hard to rush around getting lunch after church. So Mom fixes something and we go over there. The church is about halfway between my house and thiers. Amanda had really wanted to go fishing after lunch, since my parents had the pond stocked on Friday. She has been at the pond every day since. She caught a huge trout on Friday. She doesn't want to share her fish with anyone. I cooked half the trout for her yesterday. That half a trout was enough fish for two people! The rest of us had sausage and biscuits. Anyway, she wanted to fish after lunch yesterday. (I kinda got off the subject there for a minute!) It was pouring down rain with threats of thunderstorms. So, after she had a little hissy fit because she couldn't go fishing she went in by my parents' computer and we could hear her talking to herself. She was telling herself she could go fishing another day and that the flowers needed the rain. It was kind of sweet. Most people do this same dialog in thier head when they are disappointed but Amanda does it out loud. Maybe because she doesn't hear she doesn't even realize other people don't do it out loud. It always touches my heart to hear her talking it over with herself! So after she talks to herself she comes out and wants to go home RIGHT NOW. So we finish washing the dishes and we go home. We got home just in time for the thunderstorms to hit. There were so many things that we wanted to get done during the afternoon, but we didn't do any of them. Jenny went to her room with the ipod stuck to her head and shut the door. (her usual routine) Amanda went to her room and turned on the video games. John and I decided to ignore all the many jobs needing done and went to our room for a Sunday afternoon nap. Probably a good thing we did too. Just after we got up there Amanda decided to get mad at the storm. She started screaming that she wanted to go fishing. We heard her get on the phone and call my mom and yell at her that she wanted to go fishing. (Amanda usually calls my mom and yells when she is mad.) Sometimes when Amanda starts this yelling she will strike at anyone that comes within reach. She was out of luck for anyone to hit. All she could do was yell. So, eventually she settled down and went back to her video game. When we woke up from our nap we saw sunshine breaking through the clouds! We made an attempt to call John's sister for a little chat before supper, but she must have been working. So I cooked the trout and the biscuits and sausage. We ate our supper and John took Amanda back to my parents' house for a little fishing. They both looked like mud monsters when they got home. Jenny and I stayed home. She helped me clean up the kitchen and do the dishes. I did some laundry and put the fresh sheets on my bed. Then I settled in to watch "dlife" on tv. I try to watch it every week and I record it just in case I do happen to miss it. It's a half hour show that is about nothing but diabetes. So, they got home just as I finished watching "dlife". This morning I have to wash all the muddy towels and things. Also hoping to hear from the doctor today about my swelling ankles. Then this afternoon I have to take John's truck to put a new exhaust on it. So, typical Monday.

Health

2007-03-30T06:25:00.000-04:00

My health has recently been a roller coaster ride. Some parts of it make me feel on top of the world. Other parts have me worried and plummeting downward. As for my blood sugar control, I couldn't be more pleased. These last few months on a pump have brought me to a level of control I never thought possible. No matter what I did on shots I couldn't get control. It certainly looked as if I was eating all the wrong things if you looked at my blood sugar results, but I didn't. I just could not get it straightened out. The pump came into my life and I could see such an improvement on a day to day basis. Even eating things that would have about killed me before were handled without a problem. Then I finally get my a1c results. (the average measure over a three month period) For the first time in 27 years I have a good a1c. It is almost that of a person without diabetes. Part of the average would still be before I had the pump so I am thinking it probably is truly that of a person without diabetes now. So that part of my health has me soaring. Now on to what has me crashing. My cholesterol was a bit up but that didn't worry me. It wasn't up much and it was much lower than it has been in the past. The pill the doctor gave me should help with that. What has me worried is my legs. Both have some swelling, but one is definately a lot worse. My heart and kidneys are fine so the swelling isn't that. (which I was extremely worried that it was) However the swelling is in both legs and I don't recall injuring myself. I have gone for x-rays. The doctor thinks it may be a joint disease. I am just waiting to see if it is. There is a lot of worry about it. I don't know what it may mean to me. I have read about some extreme cases leading to amputation. I don't think that will be the case, but it is still a worry. I am hoping the doctor has some answers today. If not I probably won't hear anything until some time next week. Some times I have some pretty severe pain with it and other times I don't. I guess there is nothing to do but sit and worry until I know something.

Freaked out a bit!

2007-03-24T06:22:00.000-04:00

What a scary day I had yesterday! First thing in the morning I went to have my blood drawn for my 3 month tests. Things really went smoothly at the lab. I only had to get stuck once this time instead of my usual two or three times. I went in, sat down and told them, "My veins are tiny. They use pediatric needles. I get dizzy if you are poking around inside a lot so if you don't hit it take it out and try again. They never get blood from my arm so do it on my hand." For the first time ever they simply said OK and did it like I asked. One stick, no poking around and they got the blood right away. I told them I have been a diabetic for 27 years and I know very well how I do with blood draws. I was a little surprised at how painless it was when they don't go digging and grinding all over your veins.

After the blood draw I went for breakfast, to the grocery store and stopped for gas. It was when I stopped for gas that my day got creepy. I parked my van at the last pump, never realizing how I nearly vanished from sight in that spot. There was a car facing toward the gas station on the other side of the pump. My van blocked any view of me from the road. I hadn't really paid much attention to it at the time but on the other side of the pump this man kept walking back and forth. I thought he was throwing things in the trash can just past the pump because he kept walking to there. (From there you could see me.) Suddenly the man comes around the other side of the pump and says, "Can you help me?" I asked him what was wrong. He told me his cas cap was stuck and he wanted me to reach inside his car and pull a lever while he tried to get the cap off. I told him I was not comfortable doing that. Well, instead of going off to find someone else to help him he kept persisting. He said I didn't have to get in the car I only had to reach inside and pull this lever on the floor. I must have told the guy I wasn't comfortable at least five time. I was walking backward, shaking my head no and holding my hands out in front of me the whole time. You would think he would go away getting told no so many times and watching my body language. He did not back off. I got in my van and locked the doors. Then he left. He went the most unusual route to leave I have ever seen. He backed up and went around behind a tanker truck, then up like he was going to the grocery store. He drove through the grocery store parking lot, through a construction zone and then got on the main road. He could have simply turned right out of the gas station to get onto this road. After it all happened I started thinking about it. He had the car door open and was facing the gas station. He wanted me to bend over and reach inside his car while he was standing behind me and to the side by the gas cap. My van is on one side. His car is on the other. The open car door is blocking view from the front and his body would block the view from the back. He wants me to get into a position that makes me vulnerable. One quick shove and I would have been inside that car. I would have gone in head first toward the floor. He could have pushed me all the way in and drove off with me in an instant. Even screaming wouldn't have helped much because it might not even be heard and he could be out of there so fast too. There was also a lot of noise in that area from construction. I know I have a very active imagination but I can't help but keep thinking that maybe I have just escaped something horrible. I know that serial killers often get victims by appealing to thier sense of sympathy. I think about that and remember that his first words to me where, "Can you help me?" The other thing that makes me really suspicious of this guy is that he didn't back off. Most people would immediately say they were sorry and move on to find someone else to help. He didn't . The other thing is, why would he want me to help him. There were men at other pumps and inside the building. Why didn't he go inside and ask for help? I definately felt very uneasy. You know that small, still voice. It wasn't being small and still. It was being large and screaming.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

2007-03-21T06:05:00.000-04:00

Should we start with the good, the bad or the ugly? I guess I'll start with the ugly and work backwards through the list. The ugly is definately John this morning. Not a nice thing to say about my husband. Well...........you haven't seen him this morning then! I was afraid this was coming. Around midnight he woke up, moaning. He started with the typical stomach virus symptoms. You know, the not so nice things we don't like to even think about. He looks more pale than I think I have ever seen him. He said he has never vomited with so much force in his life. The other end of him is not doing so well either and he stinks! Not from his lower half, just that overall sick smell. He has been up being sick every hour and a half to two hours all night long. I hope and pray the girls don't get this because it is the nastiest stomach virus I have even seen in a long time. Obviously, the flu shot does nothing to prevent this bug.

The bad is my blood sugar this morning. No real reason for it to be out of sorts but it is. Woke up to blood sugar of 299! Yikes! Haven't had that since I went on the pump! I checked my pump to be sure I didn't forget to bolus (give insulin) for something I ate. (That would be the simple explanation.) I had given myself a bolus for everything I ate. So my best guess is that the high blood sugar has come from stress and worry and lack of sleep. If it doesn't go down I will have to check to see if I have a kink in my line or a bent cannula or something. If it doesn't go down I guess it will be an early set change to make sure the insulin is getting through.

OK! After all that, how about some good things? Well, yesterday I took the bull by the horns and set about to paying bills and working out a budget. I wrote the last check for getting everything caught up that was behind yesterday and even had some money left over. We went out for dinner in celebration! We also went to Walmart where we bought Amanda a new set of sheets and comforter to start her room make over. We have also decided to start looking around for a new car for John. He loves his truck but it is getting a little sluggish. (It's a 94) He loves trucks and suvs but we decided on a car considering the price of gas. So my job for the next couple of weeks is going to be to go around to the car places and look at what they have. If I see something I think would be good for him I am to take pictures and write down the price and so on. Then he will decide which ones we should go look at together. The other thing we decided was what we are going to do with our tax rebate. We haven't even filed yet so maybe we are being a bit premature, but oh well! We were thinking of going to England to visit Chris. However, John can only get a week off this year and once you consider you spend a day flying each way that makes a very short and rushed trip to England. Not to mention we can't afford to take the girls and they always get stuck at home with Grandma and Grandpap. So we have decided to take the kids and go to Ocean City, Maryland. Amanda has been telling me for a few years that she wants to go to the beach and Jenny has gone with her Dad and loves Ocean City, Maryland. I have only ever gone to the beach once in my life, when Amanda was a baby. Ken and I went to Atlantic City. He gambled and I played in the sand with Amanda. We found baby turtles. You could sort of count it as twice if you count Blackpool, England. I don't count it though. I didn't actually go onto the beach and it was cold. We have decided we really would like to see Chris though. I asked John if it would be OK to invite Chris on our beach vacation. He said she can't afford it. So, I told him that we will pay for her plane ticket and hotel room with our tax refund. It will be cheaper to pay for her to come here than for both of us to go there. So a family beach vacation it is! And hopefully, Aunt Chris will be able to get some time off and will take us up on our offer! She has always been very good to us. Let's hope she lets us be good to her.

Pump Reports

2007-03-20T06:28:00.000-04:00

I finally got the program working that keeps track of all the information in my pump and puts it on the computer. Now I can do a print out of everything for the doctor. Just not sure I want the doctor knowing that much about me! LOL I think I might just take the blood sugar readings off of it and not show her everything. Looking at the reports I can tell you exactly the date and time of each time John and I have sex! I'm not sure that I want to share that information with my doctor! It doesn't actually say "Mayme had sex at this date and time" but anyone that knows anything about pumps can tell. During any physical activity you need less insulin so on a pump you decrease your basal (base) rate of insulin temporarily. During the day you would pretty much imagine I might be working out or taking a walk or riding my bicycle. But the temporary basal rates at 10 pm don't leave much to the imagination! It isn't likely I am at the gym. The pump also details what days I was a good girl with my diet and what days I was a very bad girl with my diet. It shows every last carb I put in my mouth. So looking at my report nobody is going to wonder where that extra ten pounds came from. But, hey! I enjoyed every last carb that went into my mouth! But all in all I am glad it is that detailed for MY own sake. I can look at the reports and see just what was a good idea and what wasn't. I can see the areas that might need a bit more fine tuning. I can also see the times when maybe my carb counting wasn't accurate. I like having it computerized and very detailed. It really helps me know what I am doing. I don't have to share every last detail on that chart with my doctor. I can just share the parts she needs to know. I also got my payments set up for the part of my pump that is not covered by the insurance. I will be paying $25 a month for 2 years. That shouldn't hurt too much! That's just the co pay on one prescription at the pharmacy! Then when the warranty is up on my pump in 4 years I will be all ready to get a new one! They are so amazing now, I just wonder what they will be like in four years! I would love to have the continuous glucose monitoring system too but at the moment it isn't covered under insurance. They cost around $1,000 and the sensors (that last about 3 days) cost about $35 a piece. Not exactly in my price range. Perhaps they will soon be covered by insurance. Who knows, in four years they might be part of the pump! That would be nice. Right now the ones on the market are less than perfect so hopefully they will be better and covered by insurance in a couple of years. If and when that happens I hope to get one. For right now I am happy with poking holes in my fingers and palms 4-8 times a day. (Well, maybe HAPPY isn't the word, but accepting might be more like it.)

On another note, I had a strange, unhappy dream last night. I dreamed that for some reason I felt I had to divorce John and get married again to Ken. (my ex husband) I was divorced from John in my dream but still lived with him. It was down to a few weeks before my wedding. Ken's mother had planned a surprise bridal shower for me on a Sunday afternoon. It was Sunday morning and I had gotten wind of the shower. I was very sad and depressed over it. I didn't want to be marrying Ken, let alone having a shower. It was getting closer and closer to the time for the shower and I was getting more and more depressed. John was with me and trying to comfort me. I wanted nothing more than to be with John. Then I got an international phone call from my friend Colin. John had answered the phone and brought it to me. I got on the phone and Colin was telling me that I didn't have to marry Ken. He told me it was silly that I was marrying Ken when I was in love with John. So after talking with Colin I decided that I was going to send the guests back home, telling them that the wedding to Ken was off and I would be marrying John. I felt quite happy that I wasn't being forced to marry Ken anymore and could be married to John. However, the alarm went off and I never got to the part where I actually sent everyone home and made my announcement. I was very happy to see John laying in the bed next to me when I woke up! I probably would have started screaming if I woke up and Ken was there! It is so nice to be married to someone you are so completely in love with! Colin was right. I should be married to the man I love..........and I am!

Girl's Lunch Out Planning

2007-03-19T06:31:00.000-04:00

Before I start anything else I just want to say, "This new, improved, updated blogger sucks!" Every time I come on here I have to log in to my account at least twice before it lets me do anything! If it takes everything correctly I have to sign in using my blogger account name first then I have to log in again using the google one. I have tried to make them both the same and it won't let me. I have tried marking "remember me" and it never does. I have tried logging directly into the google and it says my username is not found. Pain in the butt. Why do they always have to "improve" things? Grrrrrrrrrr! OK, rant over.

Well, on to what has been on my mind. Planning a girl's lunch out. I thought since next month is my birthday it would be the perfect excuse to get everyone to come. After all the only thing I have asked for this year is for the women in my life to join me for lunch! The whole lunch out thing comes from my childhood. Every Saturday when I was growing up the ladies in my family would go out to lunch and go shopping. We always had the best time. Then as my grandmother got old and everyone's lives got busy it just stopped happening. I miss doing it as much as I miss my grandmother. It was how she kept her daughters and granddaughters close, really. Now we have all drifted apart. I called around and asked several of the ladies how they would prefer to get together. Should I make lunch for everyone? Should we do a potluck? Or would they rather go out? Of course because I am not financially capable of paying for everyone if we went out everyone would have to pay for thier own. Everyone I asked wanted to go out and nobody minded paying for thier own. The majority liked the idea of going to Red Lobster, so Red Lobster it is! I like the idea that we are treating ourselves to something special. I can't wait to sit around the table with all my girlfriends and the women of my family sharing food and conversation. Amanda and Jenny are both excited about the day as well. Amanda has called my mother at least five times already to ask her if she is going to Red Lobster! I think I may try to seat my mother close to my friend Traicy (if she is able to make it) and me. Then when mom has to pull out her syringe and give herself a shot we can push the buttons on our pumps and take our insulin without having to drag out the old shot!

I think I am going to go lay down now. I have been ill with a very, very nasty stomach virus. I spent Thursday night in the emergency room getting IV fluids. I couldn't even keep water down. I was so dehydrated that they had a very hard time getting blood from me. I had a hard time thinking straight when I first got to the hospital. Maybe it was from being dehydrated. I had a fever too. The best thing about the whole ordeal was that because of my pump I was able to keep my blood sugar stable the entire time. I still don't feel great. I can't eat much but I am keeping down what I do eat. I guess that is something good then. Off to bed for me then! Night!

Psychologists, hair cuts and waxing!

2007-03-12T07:11:00.000-04:00

I only have a few minutes this morning to post. So there isn't going to be much here! Have about an hour until we have to leave to take Jenny to see her psychologist. She hasn't seen her in several months but asked me to make her another appointment. I know she has been feeling a lot of stress with her schoolwork and some of her friends. At least these are normal stresses for a fourteen year old. Last year all she could focus on was problems with her father. She actually seems to be working through the things that have been bothering her. It never hurts to have someone to go to though. I don't anticipate her to need a lot of counselling. After the psychologist, Amanda and I have appointments at the hair salon. Hair cuts and brow waxing for us both. I get the upper lip done too. John says you can't see the hair on my upper lip but it bothers me, so I get it ripped out by the root! LOL John's sister doesn't think you can see it either. I felt it was really bad when we were in England for my father in law's funeral. I refused to go to the funeral with a mustache. They all said I did not have a mustache, but if I feel I have one then I do! I know you really can't see it unless you get up close, but that's enough for me to want rid of it! Now, if only I could afford to do something about those lines appearing on my forehead! I also need to take off a little of my extra body! My BMI says I'm overweight. (At least it doesn't say I'm obese, yet) I think my skin is a little dull these days. I can't believe that next month I will be 38. Last thing I remember I was 16. Now I have a child older than that. I am starting to see things that remind me I am not 16 now. Of course if I really did what I want to do at the hair salon my mother would faint and think I had lost my mind. (Why does that make it more tempting?) Wonder what she would say when I show up at her house with purple hair? I have wanted purple hair for years. Maybe one of these days I will actually do it! John is actually for me getting purple hair. He had a mohawk back when he had hair. Ah, the secret side of us that nobody knows! Well, I better go now. Finally getting my turn in the bathroom! Mom is always last to get to put on make up and do her hair. Wonder what the girls would think if I got purple hair?

Sweet, tender moment with Amanda

2007-03-05T06:55:00.000-04:00

Most of the time Amanda does not want to be touched. It's just the way she has always been. Last night the church had movie night. They made popcorn and had several different kinds of pop. They showed "Facing The Giants" on the big screen in the front of the sanctuary. We truly enjoyed the film, but I got the real treat! Amanda had not wanted to go anywhere last night. She wanted to stay home and play video games. So she started off the evening mad. John and I had sat down in a pew and parked Amanda's wheelchair beside us. Jenny decided she wanted to sit in the row behind us. So when Amanda saw that she had to go sit beside her sister. Well, because Amanda was in a bad mood to start she kept talking when the movie started. She kept asking when it would be over (out loud) and when it was time to go home. She wasn't even trying to watch the movie. I kept turning around and telling her to be quiet, but it wasn't getting me anywhere. She just kept getting louder. So, I got up and moved back a row and sat down next to her. I took her hand in mine and with the other hand very gently started to stroke the back of her hand and her forearm. She became very quiet. When I moved my hand away she reached out and put it back where it was. So I continued to stroke her hand and forearm. Then she did what she hasn't done since she was just a tiny little thing. She laid her head on my shoulder. I leaned my head over so that it rested on the top of hers. We sat that way through the whole movie. Every once in a while she would kiss my arm. When the movie was over and the pastor closed with a prayer my heart prayed a little differently than his prayer. I thanked God for honoring me by making me the mother of one of his most precious. Last night made me realize how great the rewards are for taking on the hard job. That one evening made the days when I feel worn out, exhausted and frustrated seem so insignificant. God gave me a hard job, but an important one. Sometimes it seems like the parents of handicapped children have more than thier share, but God promises to never give us too much. As hard as some days are and as near as I sometimes feel to my breaking point, I haven't broken. I may break down and cry and hide in my room for a little while, but it isn't long until it is time to move on and start cooking something. Then of course after God gave me the hard one He balanced it out with an easy one. No matter how hard things got, Jenny had the ability to make me laugh. Her sense of humor has always closely matched my own. My children just amaze me sometimes. I am more lucky than people with perfectly healthy, perfectly average children. I get the big rewards. The best rewards in life can never be bought. They are simply the things that reach out and wrap around your heart. Thank you, God for giving me a little extra in what wraps around my heart.

Awesome day with Jenny!

2007-03-03T09:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Jenny had a field trip to the Heinz History Center. http://http://www.pghhistory.org/
My dad also went along. We had a really great time. That place was so interesting. After the guided tour we stuck around as long as we dared. (to avoid rush hour) We roamed about looking at some of the things not covered in the tour. The tour felt a bit rushed, but I know they try to get as much in as they can in the amount of time they have for the tour. Wondering around on our own was the best experience. One area that wasn't in the guided tour was the Special Collections exhibit. In that exhibit they had things they didn't really know where to put. This is where you could find some odd and unusual looking things. Some things were pretty common and some things you had to look them up to find out what they were. The permanant wave machine was one of those things that left you wondering. I certainly would not want that thing attached to my head! There was also a small electric powered car by Westinghouse in this display. Jenny has some pictures and I am bugging her to give me copies. When I can convince her to send them to me I will post them. My dad treated us to our lunch in the cafe. It was a pretty nice lunch. Sandwiches come with chips, pickle and a cookie. (It was nice to not have to give away my cookie!) We had a great day together. After everyone got home we went out to dinner as a family and then we went to see "Wild Hogs". I never laughed so hard in my life. We all really enjoyed it. Jenny was convinced it wouldn't really be very funny, but she was laughing a lot too. I dropped my popcorn into John's lap. Popcorn flew everywhere. The showing was sold out and of course people sat in the seats next to spot for wheelchairs. So we had to go clear to the front to sit so that we weren't blocking the aisles with Amanda's wheelchair. I wish I had dropped the popcorn on the people sitting next to the wheelchair spot. John sat between me and Amanda and Jenny on the other side of me. Through the whole movie Amanda held John's hand. It was sweet. We had a very nice day yesterday. Today we get to clean house and do laundry. Yuck!

edited to add some photos of the day

Good Bye Kiss

2007-03-03T08:58:00.000-04:00

In the early morning hours,
I kiss you good bye.
I sit and watch the sun rise.
I long to be sleeping,
Safe within your arms.
My thoughts still linger,
On the last kiss of the morning.
Hours will pass.
The day will get busy.
Every now and then
I will remember,
That last kiss.
Again I will long,
For that sleepy embrace.
My heart will grow sad,
Because I cannot feel you.
Soon the day will end,
And you will return.
A kiss of greeting,
Replaces good bye.
You are back where you belong.
Soon we will sleep,
Entwined in our love.
Peace will fill our hearts again.

test

2007-03-01T07:02:00.000-04:00

I am having trouble getting in to my account ever since I was forced into migrating to the google account. I had to try different things before I got into my account this way. This is just a test to see if it will publish for me. I hate those stupid changes!

Change, my feelings, my love, my life.

2007-02-28T08:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, when I went to sign in to do my blog, I got the message that I would have to move my blog account to the Google account. I could only skip this process once. So I decided to do it. Why do they have to screw with everything? I liked it just fine the way it was. All these "things" that are supposed to be the improvements I could care less about. You know every time they change things they don't work the way they are supposed to. It took me three tries to log on here this morning. I hope when I am forced to move my ezboard to the dreaded Yuku it goes better. So far it hasn't been forced on me, for which I am glad. Yuku, or "yucky" as we like to call it, is way too much like MySpace. I really don't like MySpace. I'm not into those "networking" sites. I really have enough friends and I am not looking for somebody "hot". I'm a perfectly content housewife. I love my lifestyle, which does not include a lot of money or partying. I prefer a quiet lunch with a girlfriend or a picnic with all my buddies. I'm not into "clubs" or booze. I enjoy being with my family most and am madly and passionately in love with my husband! I live on 70 acres and don't have any close neighbors to be nosey.....and that is how I like it. I know I am probably in the minority with not liking those kind of places, but that is just who I am. I can be outgoing, but I can be shy. I often base my actions on how I feel and what I sense. I longed to be loved for a long time, but resolved myself to be dedicated to my daughters and not worry about the love of a man. The love of my daughters is strong and I feel it every day. I did miss the companionship of a man. I longed for it, but felt it was not an option for me. I did not think there was a man alive that could handle the special needs of my family. I knew that any man that was bold enough to get involved with me had to have some very special qualities and had to be a very strong person. All this and he had to be kind, compassionate and understanding too. Then came the day I realized I needed a man here for his physical strength too. Amanda was getting to hard to handle alone. I clearly remember the night I knelt on my living room floor and prayed. I think I cried the whole way through. I asked for someone that could meet the needs of my special family. The companionship for myself was secondary and physical attraction was at the bottom of the list. I remember telling God I didn't care what he looked like if he loved my children and could withstand the high pressures of my family life. I would love him with all my heart even if I did not find him attractive at all. The very next day I got one of those email "surveys" from John. We had been very casually chatting online for awhile, but I didn't consider him boyfriend material. For one thing he lived in another country and across an ocean. I did feel comfortable talking to him about just about anything. One question on the survey was "Would you ever consider an online romance?" His answer was, "I would and there is someone that I wish would also consider it." I started to wonder if the someone was me. We spent at least an hour a day on IM, even with the time difference of five hours. I knew he talked to some other women, but I also knew he didn't talk to them as much as he did me and that they didn't talk about subjects that were very deep. We talked to pretty much the same people. I asked some of the other women what they thought he meant. They all thought he meant me. So, gradually I began to flirt with him a little more. He flirted back! After several months I told him I wished I could kiss him. He asked me if I wanted to kiss him with my tongue! I probably fell off my chair laughing! I told him that I did and he said he did too. LOL What a romantic start! After several more months I told him I would like to meet him if he ever got the chance to come to America. Then he asked if I would want him to come. I told him I would love for him to come. It took several more months before he made it here. When he got off the plane I couldn't believe just how many things I found attractive about him. He was the perfect combination of ALL the things I find attractive in a man, even down to the curve of the back of his head! The first time I ever saw him undressed I thought his body looked to me like a perfect work of art. I had never thought something like that about a man before. When we all got sick during his visit I watched him sit up all night with my sick children. I saw him clean up the vomit. When I was sick he sat by my side watching me sleep. I knew that the man I longed for existed the minute he held a bucket under my head when I was sick. He was everything. He was all that I longed for in spirit and I found him more attractive than any man I have ever seen. Even the most sexy stars do not come close to him in my eyes. Not only do I love his personality, I love the looks of him. I love the shape of his hands. He has the perfect nose. I have already mentioned the curve of his neck. I love bald men and I find the shape of his bald head very sexy. I can hardly resist kissing him when I look at his mouth. His long legs remind me of the strength and beauty of a champion thoroughbred. Why then, would I even care about looking for any other man? I have everything I have ever wanted. I hate the mornings. I hate that we have to get out of bed and part ways. I love the minute he walks in the door at night. I love sleeping with some part of us touching at all times. I never use a pillow anymore. My pillow is 6'3" and has an English accent. He says he feels strange trying to sleep without my head on his arm or chest. Usually when we wake up in the morning the imprint of my ear is on his arm. I never thought I would ever feel this happy.

Icky!

2007-02-27T08:35:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday I was convinced my upset tummy (and the other symptoms that go with that) and higher blood sugars were because of the time of the month. Today I am not so sure. I still feel a bit queasy, but it was John that convinced me I picked up a bug. Last night I could not even bear to smell food. I made John go get Subway so I wouldn't even have to smell food cooking. This morning John is sitting at the breakfast table. I go to put oatmeal in Amanda's bowl. John groans. I know he doesn't like oatmeal but he usually isn't THAT intolerant of seeing it. I ask him if he is feeling OK. He says he doesn't know. I tell him that sounds a lot like a "No." to me. By the time he left for work he was vomiting. Of course he can't call in sick to work or he loses one of those damn points. One guy just recently got fired for accumulating too many points. (even though he was given prior approval to not do the overtime because he is in college) John has already had to lose points over that bad tooth and a few migraines. So off he goes, looking like death warmed over and puking out his guts. I told him to aim at the person who developed this damn system next time he has to toss his cookies. Makes me angrier than a rattlesnake being poked with a stick! Being "that time of the month" does nothing for me controlling my foul mood. Of course my emotions have been all over the place this morning. Crying over stories on the news. Angry with John's work. Feeling all mushy because I love him so much. Wanting to hug my kids. Just a bit of everything. I still don't feel great, but it is better than yesterday. I have to do some grocery shopping today. Guess I will drop Jenny off at my parents house on the way to do it. Thank goodness they have dsl. She was really struggling to do her schoolwork with the dial up here. I can't wait until they make dsl available here. I will be one of the first to sign up, that's for sure. Well, I guess I should go get my grocery list made and my coupons clipped.

Cold, winter morning!

2007-02-16T07:53:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I think my blood might be frozen in my veins. I am certainly looking forward to spring. There is nothing more beautiful than the snow and ice of winter, but that is all I can say for it. The kitchen has no insulation so that part of the house is always cold. I have a small gas heater on the wall which helps, but I can feel the cold coming off the walls. As I sit at the computer my hands are freezing. I can feel the cold radiating off the wall on the one side of me. I guess it would be a good day to bake something. I have a really bad cold. I just want to sleep. Not sure if it is the cold or the cold meds or both. I want to fix something nice for supper in this cold but my lack of energy and lack of desire for food is making it a difficult decision. I also have the birthday party (combo party for John and Mom) at my house on Sunday. (Both birthdays have passed but we didn't celebrate yet.) The house is a mess and I just don't feel much like cleaning it. I also have to come up with food for that! I have decided to make a sugar free cherry cheesecake and bake a ham. The rest I haven't decided on yet. I have so much to do today. Amanda is finally back at school after all the school closings, so I will finally get out of the house. I need to get that ham and the ingredients for everything. I also have to get a gift for my mother. I already bought John a new dressy winter coat. Well, I best get started. If I don't I'll never get done.

A month without shots!

2007-02-12T06:52:00.000-04:00

Today it is one month since I started my pump. Has it really been a month since I last took a shot? Sure, I still have to stick a needle in myself but once every 2 or 3 days sure beats 4 or 5 times a day! For the most part it has been a smooth transition. There have been a few minor problems here and there, but nothing that would make me want to go back to the shots. It has certainly been a life changing event. I have enjoyed foods I haven't been able to enjoy since I was a child. The best part is that they didn't raise my blood sugar. I have refrained from making a total pig of myself though. I still want to remain healthy and not gain a lot of weight. But it has been oh so nice to be able to enjoy something once in awhile and not have it throw everything out of whack. Yesterday I went for lunch at my parents house. They normally eat very low carb. I don't know what got into them yesterday but the meal was anything but low carb. And it tasted wonderful. I tested my blood sugar, entered in the amount of carbs I thought I would eat. Then I ate and thought it tasted so good I wanted some more. So I ate some more. I entered the extra carbs into the pump. I could never have gotten away with eating the extra carbs on shots, at least not without a spike in my sugars. My blood sugars for yesterday were 84, 129, 120 and 92. (normal is 80-120) I cannot wait to get my a1c test done to see what has happened there. (a1c is an average of blood sugars over a 3 month period) A1C results are recommended to be 7 or below. I am embarrassed to say what my last one was, but I can guarantee the next one will be much better.

I also went to church yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I attend the same church as my ex husband's uncle and cousins. They are really nice people. I knew them before I knew him and have always gotten along well with them. Uncle Tom has always been so good to me and my girls. I showed them all my pump. Tammy (Ken's cousin) also has diabetes and couldn't believe how good my blood sugars are. Dana (another cousin) informed me that Ken's sister, Melanie (or the bitch as I think of her) is pregnant. Dear God, that poor child. Melanie has almost finished her schooling to become a psychologist. I sure wouldn't want her to be mine. Let's see, first off she planned Jenny's kidnapping and took part in it. You can find assault and kidnapping charges in her records. There are so many other reasons but I won't go into it. It would take too long. I really don't like her. I hope for the baby's sake she turns out to be a good mother. So, Jenny will be getting another cousin. I guess Melanie has not even spoken to Uncle Tom or any of her cousins in years. First they have heard from her in about ten years. Well, since she is the person I dislike most in the entire world I wish her labor to be terribly painful! (I wish nothing bad for the baby though. It isn't the baby I dislike.)

Guess I should go. I'm getting angrier by the minute thinking of Melanie. Time to start laundry and clean up this mess John tracked all over the kitchen floor this morning.

Good news, bad memories.

2007-02-09T06:37:00.000-04:00

This morning I awakened to discover the Amber alert on the little boy taken by his father has been lifted. The father and son were found at a motel. The little four year old boy is now back with his mother. The father had history of violence so they issued the Amber alert. Watching the news and listening to what the family went through sure brings back bitter memories. Back to the days when my Jenny was just a seven month old baby. Ken and I had split in November. I had moved back to my parents' house. It was the day after Christmas. My lawyer had advised me not to let Ken see Jenny until we had a custody order in place. I thought it was wrong not to let a father be with his child at Christmas. So, I went against my lawyer's advice and told Ken he could see Jenny but it had to be at my parents' home. I put her on a blanket in the living room and went to the kitchen to leave him, his sister and her boyfriend spend time with her. Shortly after Ken comes walking into the kitchen carrying Jenny. I asked him what he needed, thinking he needed a bottle or a diaper. He said, "I need my daughter." Then he, his sister and her boyfriend started to leave WITH Jenny. I reached for my baby. That's when I felt his sister hit me in the head. Then she started pulling my hair. I pretty much ignored her and kept trying to get my baby. Then my mother saw what was happening and started to pull his sister by the hair. His sister's boyfriend was already in the car with it running. Then I let go of my baby out of fear that she would be hurt. Ken ran out the door with my sweet baby girl. My mother and Ken's sister fell to the floor on the stairway. My mother had ripped Melanie's earring out. JJ (the boyfriend) came running back in the house and hitting my mother in the face. My mother bit him on one of his slaps across her face. I was on the phone with the police. Then they all ran out of the house and into the jeep and drove off with my little baby. I don't know if they had a car seat, but I do know Jenny had no coat or even blanket. I ran out into the snow in my bare feet, crying and screaming for my baby. The police came. The Pennsylvania turnpike was closed down and helicopters began to search for him. A friend of the family who is a fireman and had heard the description on the scanner spotted them heading out of town. He alerted the police and they stopped them. I was called to the police station and told they had my baby. I spent most of the day there because there was no custody order. They did not know who was supposed to have her. Ken had a history of drug abuse and alcoholism. They were about to put her into foster care because there was no custody order. Finally, a police officer came to me with what Ken said. He said that I could take her IF I didn't press charges against him. I told the officer to tell him this, "I will not press charges today." So he told him that and the next time I saw that police officer he was carrying my little Jenny. I cried and cried and cried when I took her back into my arms. I took her to the hospital at the suggestion of the officer just to be sure she was fine. The first thing the next morning I pressed charges. I only said I wouldn't press charges that day. He only got a $200 fine out of it. Years later the state police came to our church to take dna and pictures of the children for use if they should ever be kidnapped. I had been helping the officer by organizing the children and getting thier paperwork in order. When Jenny walked up to the officer I heard her say, "I have already been kidnapped. My Dad did it." I saw the surprise register on his face. He then asked her if she was back with her mother now. She said, "Yeah. My mom is that lady helping you." He turned to me and said, "I see this is very important to you then." I told him it definately was and that I will never forget the moment an officer handed my baby girl back to me. That is one reason it has always been very hard for me when Jenny had to go visit her father. The court ordered a visitation every year for Christmas to start on December 26, the very anniversary of the whole ordeal. This past year was the first year she did not have to go. Of course she spent it sick in bed and so did I, but we were together anyway. I am glad Ken and Jenny are building a better relationship now, but I will never, ever trust the man.

I'm Back!

2007-02-08T07:40:00.000-04:00

Wow! It has been a long time since I have written a blog. I also haven't read any for awhile. I just haven't been in the blog mood. My apologies to all my dear friends! I have just been so involved in my diabetes here of late. I finally got my insulin pump! Yay! I have also been going to diabetes education classes and reading everything I can find about diabetes. When I was younger I just didn't care much about my diabetes. Then I found myself without health insurance. Not being able to take care of myself really made me want to take better care of myself. I struggled through not having insurance. Now we have good health insurance. I intend to do my very best to take care of myself. I'm sure my body has suffered some damage but I don't have to let it suffer any more. This pump has been like a miracle to me. The differences I have seen in just the last three weeks have been amazing. I went from extreme highs and lows on multiple injections to almost always being in the normal range. When it does go out of range I can usually account for why. Most likely that I have not counted my carbs right. However, a return to normal blood sugars is just a few button pushes away. Not only that, but I can give myself insulin in less than a unit dose. If I only need .1 unit of insulin I can take just that. I just hope and pray I never lose my insurance again though. The cost of pump supplies is terrible. We could never afford them uninsured.

Amanda is not well.

2006-10-27T07:38:00.000-04:00

I have been battling Amanda's pneumonia for a week now. I had been noticing that she has not been getting well, but not worse. Last night her temperature went up and her breathing got worse. I called the doctor on call, who is NOT her regular doctor. (It was after office hours.) He told me to keep her at home and bring her in to the office this morning. Well, now her temperature is even higher and her breathing is even more labored. She really looks like shit. I am extremely worried about her and scared. I spent an entire month in the hospital with pneumonia hooked up to a cardiac monitor in 1994. I came so close to dying that they advised my family not to leave the hospital. Pneumonia scares me badly. This is the second time since this summer that she has had it. I sort of hope they put her in the hospital and treat her more aggressively. With her at home and this sick I am so worried. I want her to get well. I am doing everything I can at home and she is only getting worse.

Cats and mouse

2006-10-26T07:17:00.000-04:00

I really haven't forgotten that I have a blog. I just haven't felt much in the mood for posting anything. I haven't read anybody's blog either. I just haven't been in a blog mood I guess. So......things that have happened recently. Well, I finally found homes for a good portion of the cats around here. We still have a few kittens inside. I have actually managed to tame the feral kitten that I caught in a box trap. She is now very nice and loving. She has gone from hissing and trying to scratch and bite when you come near to climbing onto your lap, pushing her nose under your hand and very loud purring. I thought she was going to be hopeless because of being so wild. Now, I must admit that out of all the outside cats she is my favorite. I am just glad to be rid of the majority of cats. It is not that I don't like them. It is just that 20 cats is too many for anyone. I still keep the sign up at the end of the driveway telling people not to drop off cats. I found most of them new homes by placing a really, really sad sounding ad in the local paper. I made sure to stress that these kitties had been abandoned on our farm by thier owners and that I could not afford to care for them all. That's when the calls started coming. When I just advertised as having cats and kittens needing homes nobody called. I guess sometimes you have to get pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, I am a hopeless case. Around this time of year every year the field mice start sneaking into the house to keep warm. Field mice are actually pretty cute and on the small side, but of course you don't want them in the house. I spotted the first one the other day. So I had John put out a mouse trap. The mouse trap went off the other night and I saw this little tiny mouse struggling with a trap caught on its tail. It managed to break free from the trap and run off. Last night just as I was going to bed the little critter peeked out at me from under the closet door. Then it slowly walked out into the room and proceeded to watch me. I held perfectly still watching it while it held perfectlly still watching me. When I finally decided to give up watching it and go to bed I moved and that startled it back into the closet. Since being watched with it's cute little face and those dark questioning eyes I can't set the trap. I have made John get me a humane trap. I will trap it in there and then set it out to the barn. It may get eaten by cats out there but at least I won't have to know about it. Or, it could be cunning and hide away well from the cats. At least I will not have to clean up its dead body and know I caused it. Pathetic, huh? It looks just like the one in this picture that I found. I don't seem to be able to upload the picture. Oh, well. It's a cute little mouse though.

Pornography and how it has ruined me.

2006-10-12T15:35:00.000-04:00

I can easily say I hate it. I consider some images in which people are clothed to be pornography. My experience with pornography has poisoned me and tainted my thinking. I am no longer as accepting as I once was. It is like a snake that has bitten me and has left a poisonous venom to run through my veins and cause my very being to be poisoned. I feel that people do not understand my extreme feelings concerning porn. I get very angry at the images and at John. When I see something that reminds me of porn I remember how I felt at the moment I discovered he was a porn addict. All the feelings come rushing back as if the moment were happening all over. I almost feel as ill as I did that day. The only difference being that I stop short of actually vomiting. On most days I can forgive him for the past and be proud that he has been over 2 years in recovery, but then on other days... It is like I don't care that he has worked at his recovery so hard. I see something and I know it is the almost innocent thing that gently lures and convinces people that taking a look isn't so bad. Then before long, if they are the right kind of person, they are addicted. And those things remind me of the pain porn has brought to me. There once was a time when I wasn't bothered by porn. I didn't really think it was a big deal. I would have even participated in it at one time in my life. I was a real slut. I had no respect for myself and my self esteem was low. I searched for acceptance through sex. Then I dug myself out of that and I met a man that I fell so deeply in love with. I began to feel beautiful when he looked at me. I began to like myself. Then one day I discovered that my husband was sneaking to look at porn. Not a little porn here and there. He was spending hours upon hours looking at porn. I never understood why absolutely nothing got done around the house when I wasn't home. It was because the minute I left John was running to his addiction and getting lost in it until he heard my car pull into the driveway. In the moment I discovered it I felt crushed. I felt ill. I felt fat, old, ugly, disgusting. I felt that when he made love to me I was no more than a sex toy for his fantasies. I struggled to get through every day. I hated myself. I hated him and I wanted to die. There are days I still fight this feeling. I do fight though and I fight hard. I hate myself for the days when I, myself, was guilty of similar things. For a while I hated men. I really had to tell myself that men aren't all bad. (and they aren't) Actually, if it weren't for one particular man with a dear heart and a worn out ear I don't know where I would be. He has listened to a lot of very hard to hear stuff. He has picked me up when I was so low I could hardly move. He has reminded me of how much I really do love my husband. He has reminded me of how much my husband really loves me and how hard he tries. He has been a dear friend to me. Tony, thank you. You can never know how much you have helped me and I know it has not always been easy on you. I know the way I think is distorted. I just can't help that it is right now. I have gone to support meetings, but I always came away from them feeling so much worse than before I would go. They made me feel hopeless. And because of our health coverage issues counseling was out of the question. So, I bent Tony's poor ear. I know I need some counseling and I will get some but for today I feel crappy. I feel like withdrawing from the world today and locking myself away. Most everyone out there sees me as a freak. The way this has affected me has made me a freak. It's hard being a freak. I guess for now I am just stuck with it.

Sleep, sleep, sweet sleep!

2006-10-11T06:31:00.000-04:00

That's all I want today. It isn't what I am going to get, but it is definately what I want. I have been so extremely tired lately. I can't get through a day without a little nap. I know getting up at 5 isn't easy for anyone. Here is pretty much my weekly schedule.
Monday, Friday
5 am- 6:20 am - Get up, get Amanda up and put out everything she needs to get dressed, put John's lunch in his lunchbox, put breakfast food on table. Play on computer while everyone else eats.
6:30 am- start laundry, strip beds, clean up breakfast
7:30 am- wake up Jenny. Feed Jenny. Eat breakfast. Clean up mine and Jenny's breakfasts
8:30- go workout
9:30- clean animal homes, feed and water animals, play with animals
11:00- lunch-I'm usually starved by now!
12:00- clean up from lunch, more laundry
12:30- vacuum house and mop kitchen
1:30- clean bathroom
2:00- take a nap
3:00- watch tv
4:00- Amanda and John get home
4:30- start making supper
6:00- supper
6:30- clean up kitchen
7:30- get Amanda bathed
8:00- watch tv with my family, give Amanda meds and a snack
9:00- put Amanda to bed, get coffee ready for morning, take John's lunch for work out of the freezer, sign papers for school, get food out of freezer for next day, plan meals for next day
10:00- get on computer for chat if I am not too tired, if I am tired I go to bed

Tuesday, Thursday
Pretty much the same until
8:30 am-11 am- Go to the animal shelter to clean pens and feed animals
11- lunch either in a restaurant or a bag lunch, depending on my budget
12- 2:30- run all my in town errands, including shopping, banking, whatever else happens to need attention
3:00- feed and water animals at home, clean litterboxes and pens
after 4- pretty much the same as the other days

Wednesday
Morning routine the same as Monday and Friday until
9:30 am-12 Go to my mother's and clean house
12- prepare lunch and eat at my mom's
1-laundry, feed, water and clean up animals
2-nap
3-watch tv
after 4 pretty much the same as every other day.

Saturdays
however things fall into place. We try to have some fun and get some projects worked on.

Sundays
10:30-12 church
12:30 lunch either with my parents or at a restaurant
Lately we haven't done church or the special lunch. We have stayed in bed.
Most of Sunday is unstructured after church. However, during some part of Sunday I clip coupons and organize them, wash John's lunchbox, make John's sandwiches for the entire week and freeze them, make a week's worth of "uncrustables" for Amanda and freeze them, mix and bottle a week's worth of gatorade (I buy powdered form), mix and bottle a week's worth of lemonade or iced tea for John's lunch. John takes 2 bottles of gatorade and 1 bottle of another drink as well as a liter of water. I also make a point of doing something together with my family on Sunday afternoon. If the weather is fitting we go outside. If not, it is an inside activity. I hop on the computer for a few minutes here and there every day. Usually as I am doing my other stuff I'll just take a few minutes. Whenever I just need to do something different for a few minutes I hop on here.
Anyway, right now I just feel very run down. I made an appointment with a diabetes specialist for next Wednesday. I haven't had medical insurance for so long. Perhaps some of my exhaustion is due to not taking proper care of my diabetes. Well, now that I have medical insurance maybe I can get that back on track. Maybe once I get my health in better shape I will have more energy.

Morning's Beauty

2006-10-10T16:14:00.000-04:00

This morning was a busy one for me. There was much I needed to get done and not a lot of time to do it in. I was busy but not too busy to notice all the beauty around me. I wanted to share that here today.

Jenny's room

2006-10-02T08:03:00.000-04:00

This is Jenny's room after we finished it last summer. It's messier now. Typical teenager!

Another Monday!

2006-10-02T07:08:00.000-04:00

I don't think I stopped by once all last week. I just wasn't in a blogging mood. Now I have my blog and everyone else's to get caught up on. I probably won't get to it today. I have an appointment to get my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed. Not looking forward to that, but I tend to get a bit bushy. I don't get them ripped down to nothing but I get them tamed a little. Jenny is going to stay home while I go. She has a lot of school work to get done today. I have never left her home alone before. I am really nervous about that. I know she is old enough and should be just fine, but well.... I guess I am just an overly worried Mom.

Yesterday we started painting the kitchen. We didn't get very far. We spent most of the time cleaning the walls and filling holes and cracks. We are painting it a cream color and a country green. The cream has a little more yellow in it than I expected but I still think it is going to look great. It has to look better than dingy almost baby blue with pink spots showing through here and there. Slowly we are getting the house suited to what we like. Some things my mother doesn't allow us to change. She wants all the woodwork in the house to be white. That isn't going to happen though. I think she'll like it once she sees it though. She has this thing about wanting to keep everything the way it was when my grandmother was living. The last time most of the things in this house have been changed has been at least 25 years ago. We were finally allowed to change the carpet in the living room when it started to fall apart on the floors. It was bright red. When we took the shreds of it out we found newspaper underneath that they used as padding, I think. It was dated 1950. We have dark paneling on the living room walls which I would like to change but we don't have the money for that yet. So Mom won't have to worry about that being changed just yet. The two bedrooms upstairs had an awful gold carpet in them. It also smelled bad. She didn't complain when I ripped them up and tossed them out the upstairs window. She knew they were awful. Our bedroom used to be painted with lilac walls and green ceiling, not to mention the gold carpet. We have since painted the walls of our bedroom blue but we haven't done the ceiling yet. It is still dingy green and peeling. I feel like I am sleeping in one of Motts' abandonements when I look at the ceiling. We wanted to do the kitchen before we do the ceiling though. We are having a party the end of the month and want the kitchen to be done by then. After the kitchen is done we will tackle the hallway. That should be done before the party too. There is a hole in the ceiling there now. The plaster fell down one day while we were out. So we have to repair that and paint it. Then we can finish our room. We have bare floors in there now too. It hurts my feet. So as soon as we can afford it we are putting a carpet down in there. We need so many things done here. The joys of an old house, huh? We just do them as we can. At least we don't have red carpet in the living room anymore. And the mardi gras bedroom is gone. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it were vivid mardi gras colors. Dingy, pale versions don't cut it. Jenny's bedroom had last been painted when my brother was 1 and I was 3. He was sleeping in the room and my grandmother left the lid off the paint can. So I decided to paint my little brother's feet. We did Jenny's room for her last summer as a surprise while she was away at her Dad's. She loved it. All her friends wanted to know if we would decorate thier rooms! Ha! The kitchen also needs new flooring. Let's not even get started on what needs done outside.

Helplessly, hopelessly dreaming.

2006-09-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning crying. It was the dream I had last night. In the dream I went to a foster home to see about adopting a bi-racial baby. She was very sweet and well cared for but it wasn't her that won my heart in the dream. In the same foster home there were two teenage boys. They were rough characters and one of them was the father to the baby. He was fighting the baby being given for adoption and wanted his daughter. But in the same foster home there was this little girl. She was six. I don't know how I knew she was six but I did. The boys teased her constantly telling her she was a no good Mexican child whose parents had dropped her off in America and abandoned. They kept telling her that nobody was going to want her because not even her parents did. I asked the foster mother if it was true that she had been abandoned and she told me she had. The little girl was very sad. She was afraid of everyone and she was convinced that I would not like her. She just kept saying that nobody liked her. She had no toys, not even a doll. The foster mother was not directly mean to her but she didn't seem to take much of an interest and never tried to stop the boys from teasing her. I sat on the floor and talked to her. She asked me what it was like at my house. I began to tell her about the animals. As I talked about animals she came closer and closer. Soon she was on my lap. When I got to telling her about the pony her eyes became wide and she told me she always wanted a pony. By this time I was holding her and she was looking into my eyes. Then the foster mother told me it was time for her to get ready for bed and I knew I would soon have to leave. As I sat there the woman undressed her in front of everyone. Then she went to put a cream on the little girl's private parts. The little girl became afraid. The woman put it on swiftly while holding her down. The little girl had on a nightgown but the woman hadn't put any underpants on her. I asked her where her underpants where. She told me she didn't have any clean. So I went and found her some clean underpants and put them on her. Then she got on my lap and snuggled in close to me. I whispered, "Don't forget I love you. I wish you could be mine." Then I woke up. What really bothers me is that I know she is really out there somewhere. That she represents many little girls. And that because we are low income and struggle with our bills I would never be able to make her mine.

No time

2006-09-21T06:08:00.000-04:00

No time to post anything today. Have to leave in an hour and a half to take Amanda to the hospital for testing. Will probably be gone most of the day.

Eventful Day

2006-09-20T06:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday started off rather slow. I fell back to sleep while Jenny worked away on her school lessons. She finished all her assigned work by lunchtime. So we decided to go to the Holiday Inn to have a swim. (I used to do that a lot.) When we got there we were told that they no longer allow public swimming, but that Hampton Inn still does. So we went to Hampton Inn. They wanted $10 per person for swimming though. I was not about to pay $20 for the two of us to swim for an hour. I used to have a membership for swimming at the Holiday Inn that cost $75 for 2 people for 3 months. No way am I paying $20 for about an hour. So Jenny and I decided to go dig around some thrift shops instead. The Goodwill was closest so we went there first. We found nothing very interesting there. So we decided to go to the Salvation Army. Just as I pulled off the street and into the parking lot there some woman backed her car into my van. Only a little scratched paint on both cars. Very nice lady but she very obviously was not paying much attention. She didn't hear the horn and she just backed straight at a good little clip for reversing out of a parking spot. I have seen trucks get out of spaces like that using a lot less space. I couldn't really get out of her way. There was traffic on the street so I couldn't back up or I would have got hit by oncoming traffic. If I moved forward I was going to get a worse hit. So I knew it was coming and just hoped she didn't bust out the headlight. She didn't. Then I come home to find out someone dumped off a bunch more cats here. I am getting overrun with cats. I can't afford to feed them all and they all need spayed/neutered. I didn't ask for all these cats but now I have to pay to keep from getting more cats. Yesterday's bunch includes a mama with kittens about 3 months old. She is also pregnant again. Then there is the feral one that decided to take up residency here and give birth. She isn't even approachable. This new bunch of cats were scared but approachable. They kept walking around in circles. They didn't know where they were or what to do. They were very hungry so of course I fed them. I am hoping to find them homes somewhere. The shelters won't take them because they are already over full.

On a positive note, Mom came home from the hospital last night. She seems to be doing well. She is really glad to be home. They removed her staples before she left the hospital yesterday. She had 17 of them. She is able to walk with a walker. She got a new brace for her leg affected by the polio. The leg that she broke is in an imobilizer. So she can't bend it but she is walking. She was worried that she would never walk again, but she is stubborn. She has been working very hard. I think she will do well. She and her little dog are very happy to be together again. He is a senior citizen and nearly toothless now. He was so upset that she wasn't around. Dad had a time with him pooping on the floor. He never poops in the house, but he was very upset about Mom being gone. Now he can stop pooping in the house. Mom's home.

Does he know?

2006-09-19T05:05:00.000-04:00

I wonder sometimes if John knows just how much he means to me. I tell him I love him all the time, but does he really know? Does he know that the minute he walks out the door I start to miss him? Does he know that even if he says nothing it is not as still and quiet as when he is not here? Does he know that sometimes I go back and lay in our bed after he leaves, just so I can smell his scent on his pillow? Does he know that I look at his artwork and am amazed by his ability? Does he know that I trust his judgement more than my own? Does he know that I would do anything to see his smile? Does he know that I worry that he will become tired of me and walk out of my life? Does he know that I love to fall asleep while listening to his heartbeat? Does he know that I love to look at his hands? Does he know how many times a day I think about his kiss? Does he know that when it is time for him to be home I am watching out the window? Does he know how hard it is for me not to run out the kitchen door and jump up and down when I see his truck coming? Am I pathetic for loving him this much? Every other couple we know seems to always argue. Everyone told us to "just wait until you've been married over a year. You will welcome time apart." Well, this December is five years. I still hate every minute apart. Maybe we aren't normal. I really don't care. If that is normal, I don't want it. Maybe it is because we spent so much time apart before we were married. Maybe it has made us value our time together more. I remember the truly physical ache of not being able to touch. Talking for hours on the internet and just wanting to be able to hold his hand or get a hug. In 2 years of talking to each other we spent a total of 3 weeks together before we got married. I remember the first time I slept with him. I was very tired. It had been a very long day. I laid there awake while I listened to the beat of his heart. I took in the scent of him. I wanted to be in that moment forever. I had waited so long for that moment. Did he feel my tears of joy on his chest? I don't know. I feel like he was meant to be mine long before either of us was ever born. Is that crazy? Well, I think I'll go get back in bed now and smell his pillow!

Gak! Monday morning!

2006-09-18T06:43:00.000-04:00

It can't possibly be Monday morning yet! I did not sleep well last night. Jenny has recently gotten 2 pet mice. They were keeping her awake at night with the noise from thier excercise wheel. So she put them out in the short hallway between her room and ours. I call it a hallway but it is only the space at the top of the stairs. There are only two rooms upstairs and the stairway is between them. So she has them sitting at the top of the stairs between our rooms. No wonder they were keeping her up at night. They made such racket all night long that John and I couldn't sleep......and we had the door shut! The little black one (Nobody) would be satisfied if you took it out at night. The big fat white one (Socrates) gets mad. She climbs the top and tries to chew her way out. We have to find a way to quiet that wheel down. They were finally quiet and still and I started to drift off to sleep when I realized I could smell coffee. Our coffee maker is set to make the coffee 15 minutes before the alarm goes off. So, no point going back to sleep!

We had a nice weekend though. Saturday we went out for a bit of shopping. We didn't buy much, just picked up a few little things. We stopped by the hospital to visit Mom. Then we took the girls and went to Red Lobster. We couldn't really afford it but we didn't want to miss the endless shrimp. We ate like a couple of starved animals. The girls don't like shrimp so they got lunch specials. I nearly needed CPR when we got the bill! I am so ashamed to have spent that much on one meal. At least I was able to eat shrimp until I nearly exploded. I gave the kids my biscuit, salad and side dish so I could eat more shrimp! Thank God we only do that once a year! Came home to do some more housework and organizing. Went to bed exhausted Saturday night. Sunday we spent most of the day outside. We tidied up the yard. Amanda rode her bicycle. I did laundry and put it on the line to dry. The sun on my face felt so good and the scent of the fresh laundry on the line was wonderful. It was a nice day. We started to watch "Assault on Waco" but apparently all the fresh air caught up to us. We were both asleep on the couch in a short while.

Well, Monday is here and I have loads to do. I better get on with it!

In The Mood!

2006-09-15T07:33:00.000-04:00

Nope, not that kind of "in the mood". (Although that is never a bad idea.) I woke up in the mood for cooking, cleaning and baking! Martha Stewart, eat your heart out! I'll never have a Martha Stewart type home, but today I am in the mood to make the best of what I have. Then of course, I am a complete slob on most days and it takes me mere minutes to undo everything I have worked days on straightening up! Ah, doesn't matter! It looks good for awhile. My main trouble in this house is clutter. I have oodles of it. I have so many things tucked away here and there that I don't even know I have. I have been slowly reducing this heaping pile of clutter. Goodwill, here I come! I am going to pack the minivan full of what we don't use and haul it on out! Why should I hoard things when they could be getting use by someone who needs them? Not to mention all the space I can clear up for the things I truly love. I want to make my little space cozy and nice with lots of goodies for my family to nibble on. So, I am off to do some cleaning and organizing. Then to the store and to visit Mom at the hospital. Home this evening to fix a yummy meal and maybe bake cookies in the evening. I know John has been craving oatmeal cookies.

I'm Not A Whore, I'm A Fun Girl!

2006-09-13T08:11:00.000-04:00

Before anyone wonders what the title of my blog is all about I better explain! This morning I was reading a magazine article online with that title. Jenny comes over and looks over my shoulder. She looks at what I am reading and asks me what that is. I told her a magazine article. She says, "Good! I thought it was one of your friend's blogs!" So which one of you is the "fun girl"? Now she is sitting in the classroom and I hear her printer going. She is really enjoying cyberschool. Well, I am a woman of few words again today. Actually, I have a lot of things I could be doing. The first one is taking a nap! I think I will go take a nap and then do some housework so we can go see Mom for awhile tonight.

Blah!

2006-09-12T05:23:00.000-04:00

Feel pretty wordless this morning. Just tired. Went to see Mom last night. She is doing well. We enjoyed our visit. Sorry for the lack of words today. Going back to bed.

Corpus Callosum

2006-09-11T08:09:00.000-04:00

Thought maybe I better explain what a corpus callosum is in the first place. I have c & p'ed from Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corpus_callosum

The corpus callosum is the largest white matter structure in the mammalian brain. It consists mostly of contralateral axon projections. It appears as a wide, flat region just ventral to (below) the cortex. It is missing in monotremes and marsupials. It is made up of 200-250 million nerve fibers.
The corpus callosum connects the left and right cerebral hemispheres. Most (but certainly not all) communication between regions in different halves of the brain are carried over the corpus callosum. The posterior portion of the corpus callosum is called the splenium; the anterior is called the genu (or "knee"); between the two is the body. The most anterior part is the rostrum. Agenesis of the corpus callosum is a complete or partial absence of the corpus callosum in humans.

Amanda's bike

2006-09-11T05:33:00.000-04:00

We finally finished Amanda's bike this weekend. We aren't going to paint it until it gets too cold for her to be out riding. I think we are going to do it up as a "Steelers" bike. She loves the Steelers. Amanda helped John attach the seatbelt and then she was off! Saturday we got the bike all finished up. We video taped it and took the video in to the hospital to show Mom. She loved it! So Sunday we did not go to visit Mom and spent most of the day outside with the bike. Mom didn't mind at all. She was really glad we were out enjoying the day with Amanda. Of course we weren't able to drag Jenny out of her room. I guess you'll have that with a 14 year old. Mom is doing really well. They moved her to a private room. They now have lots of room to work with her in there. She has a dining table in her room. There is a chair that opens into a bed for Dad. Her bathroom is handicapped accessible. The bed has a traction bar over the top. She uses that to get herself to the edge of the bed. She has new braces and is getting out of bed and into a chair and taking short walks. She finally got to wash her hair yesterday too. That was good because she had company all day. We had a pretty nice weekend all around. Mom is getting well and Amanda enjoyed her new bike. I overheard Jenny on the phone telling her best girlfriend how much she likes the cyberschool. She called it fun. I also "talked" (pm'ed actually)to this wonderful woman, Lynne over the weekend. She gave me a lot of hope for Amanda. She is the first person I have ever known that I didn't have to explain agenesis of the corpus callosum. She has made me want to look into that part of Amanda's diagnosis a little farther. Most doctors haven't got a clue what I am talking about when I mention it and it has so far been dismissed. I think it may play a bigger role in her behavior than the doctors are giving credit. I am going to start by requesting an MRI to see exactly what Amanda's brain looks like. See here to find out about Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agenesis_of_the_corpus_callosum

Surgery

2006-09-08T05:14:00.000-04:00

Mom's surgery went well last night. It was around 7:00 when they finally got her into surgery. She did well in surgery. Dad called and said they were getting ready to bring her back to her room around 8:30. When she got back to the room she called me and said that she felt pretty good and that she was eating KFC. When I was up to see her before the surgery she couldn't wait to get something to eat. Dad must have gone out to get her the chicken. I thought she hadn't been allowed to eat since midnight the night before but she did get breakfast. The breakfast they sent her was not suitable for her. She is a diabetic. According to her description they sent her a piece of french toast that resembled a hockey puck with regular syrup and cream of wheat with regular sugar. She said it was all inedible. She told the nurse she couldn't eat it. If she had eaten that it would have made her blood sugar too high for her to safely have the surgery! The nurse told her not to eat it and asked mom what she wanted. Mom told her she wanted an egg. So the nurse brought her 2 eggs, toast and coffee. Mom was much happier with that. Then right before surgery the anesthesiologist came to talk to her about giving her general or a spinal. They were really pushing her for the spinal. Then Mom asked if a spinal was a good idea for someone who had had polio. They told her they didn't realize she had had polio and that she would have to have the general. So she asked them if they had bothered to read her chart. Then when she was in the room waiting to go to surgery they came to get the guy next to her. She heard them tell him someone would come back to get him so they could put his stent in. That's when they guy told them he was supposed to have the end of his finger reattached! None of this instilled much confidence for us in the hospital. But Mom did come through it all just fine. And they did operate on the correct leg and they did not put a stent in her or attach someone else's finger! I don't like that hospital to begin with, but it is Mom and Dad's decision. I am going to can her green beans for her today and hopefully find some time to go to see her.

Mom

2006-09-07T05:50:00.000-04:00

My mother slipped yesterday on the wet porch and fell. She broke her knee cap. She is supposed to have surgery today. I have no idea what time today though. I am going to try to call her as soon as I think they might allow calls to patients. I hope she will not have gone to surgery before I get the chance to talk to her. She was so worried about canning her green beans yesterday. I will can them for her. They said she will be in the hospital about a week. And she won't be doing much when she gets home either. She will be in an immobilizer for awhile and when she starts walking again it will be with a walker. I have not talked to her yet but I know she will be pretty upset. It took her 8 years and 8 bone surgeries to walk after polio. Her big fear has always been of hurting her good leg. Of course it is the good leg that she broke. I'll have to cook for Dad. If Mom isn't there to cook for him he just doesn't eat. We can't have that! He won't even make a sandwich. Jenny was at thier place when Mom fell. I had run into town to do some errands and have a bit of retail therapy yesterday. Jenny went to thier house to do her schoolwork. Dad had just bought a wireless router for his computer so that Jenny could connect her laptop to the internet. He was just dying for her to come over and do her schoolwork there. So she went. When I called to check up on Jenny Dad told me that Mom had fallen. I asked if she was OK and Dad said that she was "hobbling around a bit". I remembered that when Jenny broke her ankle Mom and Dad told her it would be fine and sent her to bed. (I was working at the time and got home to see that her ankle was at a funny angle.) So I dropped what I was doing and went to get Jenny. I figured that if I got Jenny they would go to the hospital. No. They were supposed to get Taylor (my nephew) off the school bus. I tried to tell them that I could arrange things with Amanda's van driver so that Amanda got off at Taylor's and I could get them both. No. They did say that they would go to the hospital later though. Then she started saying she was going to go drive over to pick up the green beans she ordered. (One of the local farmers sells his produce by the bushel and she always orders from him for canning.) I told her I would go get the green beans. It took a little convincing but she finally let me go get the green beans, but only if I let her buy me some tomatoes and a head of cabbage! Then she starts telling me she will go to the hospital after my kids go to bed because Amanda likes to instant message with her in the evening. I told her forget the instant messaging and that I would talk to Amanda. She would not agree to that. So when Amanda got home from school I told her that Grandma fell and hurt her leg and needed to go to the hospital. I told Amanda to call Grandma and tell her to go to the hospital. So Amanda did that. Then we took the girls out for pizza and to a Steelers party at the mall. I called Mom and told her we were going so that Amanda would be otherwise occupied. That way Amanda wouldn't even be thinking about instant messaging with her. Amanda loved the Steelers party. There was LOUD music and even with Amanda's only 10% hearing she heard it. She really enjoyed the music. The band was pretty good. I never heard of them but they were good. When we got home there was no answer at my parents house. So I took that to mean they were at the hospital. They were. I called my brother and he said they were going to call him when they knew anything. So I told him to call me. Then my aunt called worried about my Mom. Shortly after my aunt called my brother called back to tell me what was happening. So that is the entire story and now all I do is wait to see when she goes into surgery and how she is doing. Amanda is making cards already.

Our Possible Solution

2006-09-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

We have decided that we do NOT want to put Amanda away. We also think that the doctors don't know exactly how to treat her because they have never seen the behavior themselves. She also does a few other little oddities. However if someone outside the family is watching she won't do them. So putting her in the hospital for observation doesn't work that well. When she was in the hospital all she did was sit in her wheelchair looking out the window crying. We have decided to hide a video camera in our house. That way we can capture her behavior including her little oddities and her interaction with us. Then we can give it to the doctor so that he knows exactly how she behaves. Maybe then they can know better what to do for her. There has to be a better way than just locking her up. So we are off to check out cameras.

Swollen eyes, sore head and broken heart

2006-09-06T05:38:00.000-04:00

I guess I made it through the night. I cried so much that my eyes make me resemble a frog. I woke up at 4 and spent most of the next hour staring into the darkness wondering about a lot of things. In some ways the medication Amanda is on helps her and in some ways I guess it doesn't. Her violent outbursts have become less frequent but more severe. However they have increased in frequency since Maurice's visit. She really latched onto him in some emotional way and she would become very hard to handle when she was not with him. That part of it has lessened since he went home but she gets very upset if you don't tell her several (and I do mean several) times a day that he will come back next year. I really doubt he will but that is not a bridge we can cross with her just yet. Last night she went into a rage but it was not Maurice related. I told her to take a bath. She began to yell and shout that she wasn't taking a bath. I knew if I pushed it she would come after me so I just walked away from her. Well, I guess just the mention of a bath was enough to do it for her. I had gone to the kitchen table and was sat there filling out papers for her for school. John was in the living room watching tv. Jenny was up in her room. Amanda came wheeling out of her room and came to the kitchen. She started shouting at me that she was not going to take a bath. Just then John came out of the living room to see why she was shouting. He was in the long, narrow part of the kitchen with no way to escape her except to go out the door. She turned on him with a fierce rage. She went at him full speed, grabbed hold of his shirt and started tearing it off his body. She was punching and biting him. She has incredible strength and will bite you hard enough to knock out her own teeth. She did that biting him last year. She has also bitten hard enough to go into muscle. She did that to him before too. When he got lose from her I shouted at him to go out the door. I figured if he went outside she may calm down if I remained calm. So thinking she was calming down I went back to the table. I sat down and continued writing. She must have locked the door when I walked away. She said she hurt her arm. I told her to come show me. So I sat there waiting for her to show me. Instead she grabbed two fists full of my hair and began snapping my head back and forth. I was screaming but John was locked out of the house and Jenny was hiding like she has been told to do when Amanda gets wild. I could not get a hold on her to get free of her grip. Then she grabbed me around the neck and tried to choke me. I was better able to get hold of her that way though and broke free. I then ran out the door. Amanda came out into the darkness after us. She found that she could not keep up with us nor find us outside in the dark. We were afraid that she would get onto the road and be hit by a car. She eventually calmed down enough that we were able to get her in the house. Then she turned on us again. We ran upstairs to our bedroom and called Jenny into our room with us. We locked the door. Amanda then went into the bathroom where she proceeded to destroy anything she could. Fortunately there wasn't much she could destroy in there. We had called my parents to help us and they arrived shortly after we hid in the bedroom. They were able to talk to her and get her calm but not without her taking a few swings at my mother. I don't want to put Amanda away. I don't think I can emotionally handle it. I know it will hurt Amanda terribly. She cried the entire time she was in the hospital when I had her admitted. I don't know what to do. I don't want her locked away or over medicated. And I don't want her to hurt me or kill me. All of this makes me feel so incredibly bad about myself. I don't have any answers. The doctors don't either. Every thing we have tried has failed. And even though she does things like this we know she loves us. When she is good she is a perfect little angel. She is just like night and day. My heart is so broken this morning. My head is very sore. My neck hurts but not as much as it did last night. I just wish I could crawl into a hole, pull a rock over me and lay there until I die.

Pain.

2006-09-05T22:37:00.000-04:00

Amanda had a bad night. I am very upset and in so much emotional pain that I can't even express it.

Changes

2006-09-05T05:21:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I have hardly been near the computer. We spent most of the weekend making changes in our house. The old sink has finally been removed from the kitchen. It was a lovely old sink top on a metal base. The faucets were falling apart and it was not in working order. It just sat there taking up space and making people wonder why I had two sinks. So, I am now down to having one sink in my kitchen. I was going to put the dishwasher where the old sink was but there wasn't room to do that and still allow Amanda room to get through. The dishwasher was a portable one but I wanted it to be stationary. We had to do some changes in our plans to be able to do that. So we moved a few things around and now the dishwasher sits next to the new refrigerator. Yes, I have two refrigerators too! (There are plans for the second fridge as well.) Anyway, instead of using the plumbing to the old sink that plumbing had to be capped off and new plumbing had to be installed. My kitchen resembled a swamp for most of the weekend. I moved the kitchen table to a new spot. I can actually move around at the computer desk now. It also feels less crowded at the table and actually feels cozy. I didn't think Amanda would be able to get her wheelchair to the table if I put it any other way than it was before but this way works well. I splurged and spent $18 on my kitchen. I got a new table cloth, salt and pepper set and a set of coasters. The next project is to move the old refrigerator to the basement. I use it to store drinks in. It also comes in handy when you are preparing food for a get together. We didn't move it this weekend because it was rainy. In order to get it to the basement we have to take it outside and around the house. So the ground had better be solid. We will have to rent a big dolly for that job. We have small ones but not one for moving refrigerators. It won't be that bad to just wheel it out the door, down the ramp, down the hill and into the basement door. Much better than going down a flight of stairs with it. We just don't want to do it on soft ground and have it get stuck in the mud.

We also managed to get Jenny's little school room all set up. Her printer/scanner/copier took forever to load the software onto her computer. She now has a little office area. She has a work table with her laptop, the printer thingie, her tablet, stylus and mouse, a work lamp, shelf for her text books and notebooks, a caddy for her pens, pencils, post-it notes and flags an electric pencil sharpener and a hook to hang her carrying case. And the area is perfect. She is in a little room just off the side of the kitchen. I can keep an eye on her and make sure she is doing her lessons but she has enough privacy to keep her from being distracted by what is going on in the rest of the house. Today is her first day of classes. She will start at 8:00. Although she can have flexibility with her cyberschool I am going to keep her to pretty much a normal school day. The difference being that if we have to go somewhere during the day she can finish up her classes a little later. She is to devote a full hour to each subject every day. That will give her enough time to complete all her tasks on schedule. I think she has already read through her psychology text book. I had to pry it out of her hands to put it in the classroom. She loves psychology. At this point she wants to be a psychologist. My mother claims mentally unstable people want to be psychologists. That may be true but at least she doesn't want to become a stripper. I told Jenny to do what she enjoys. She will do well in anything she wants. She is a smart girl and loves to learn. She wants to attend cyberschool in the summers right now so she can get ahead. She would like to finish high school early so she can start college early. We'll see if that lasts though. It might and it might not. It is up to her. As long as she is at least where she should be I will be happy. I know she always gives it her best.

Amanda has been pretty good over the weekend. She wanted John to watch RV with her. So I decided we would all sit down together and watch it. So we all started watching the movie. Amanda decided she wanted to go instant message with Grandma and left us all. So we ended up watching it without her. We were enjoying a good laugh when Amanda came back. There was about half an hour left of the movie. She had decided she wanted to take the movie out and put it away. We managed to convince her to let us finish watching it.

Friday night John and I left the kids with my parents. Jenny took her computer down to play around with it with my dad. Amanda watched movies. We went to see World Trade Center. Very good movie. Very moving. I sat there bawling. Afterwards we went out for a cup of coffee and a dessert. We split a piece of seven layer chocolate cake between us. I ate slowly so that John would eat the most. Even with the extra insulin I took I still can't eat very much of it. It was a really nice evening though. I think we both needed the time alone.

This morning John left for work feeling achy with an upset stomach. I gave him some tylenol and pepto bismol. Hopefully he will feel better. Poor guy looked a little green going out the door.

Urologist Yesterday and Sweet Jenny's Opinion of My Blog!

2006-09-01T05:44:00.000-04:00

Took Amanda to the urologist yesterday to find some answers for why she is getting so many urinary tract infections. She had to go have x-rays done at Children's Hospital. Then we went over to the urologists office. The urologist feels that Amanda is holding it too long and probably not completely emptying her bladder. He said those things are common in kids with cerebral palsy. He has scheduled her for an ultrasound on her kidneys to be sure they are normal. He said that unless she starts having major problems such as infections in the kidneys we will just treat the infections as they occur. He doesn't feel she needs any major interventions at this time as long as the kidneys look OK. So that appointment went well. Amanda was scared though. They put a hospital bracelet on her and she thought she was being admitted as an in patient. She was bad last night. She decided to take one of her hitting, screaming, biting and glasses breaking fits. We had gone out to get groceries after supper. On the way back she decided to attack John. She was hitting him, screaming, attempting to bite him and trying to get hold of his glasses. He managed to keep her from biting him or getting his glasses. It went on from about 8:00 to 11:00. We went to bed exhausted. Believe it or not this behavior is an improvement. It at least doesn't happen as often.

I said something to Jenny yesterday about my blog. She then said she didn't know I had one and wanted to know what I put on my blog. I told her just stuff about my life. She then told me that it was boring. I told her that people read it. So she said they must be very bored people! So, I chased her through the house. She was giggling the whole way! Rotten kid! So to all of you bored people, I love ya. Thanks for reading about my boring, mundane life. Ha! She's just feeling bold because she got her new computer.

Hectic Runaround Day

2006-08-29T05:54:00.000-04:00

Today Jenny's child support should be in the bank. So that means we will be able to go to pick up Jenny's new glasses. They have been done for a few days now, but this being the week between John's paydays we didn't have the money to pick them up. They were pretty impressed with how well we had straightened Jenny's glasses out after Amanda bent them all up. You could still see places where they had been bent and they don't sit perfect on her face anymore. We did manage with a lot of patience to get them to a point where she could wear them until she got the new ones. She has such bad vision in her right eye. She can only see a distance of about two feet without her glasses in that eye. The other eye has relatively good vision. The trouble with that is without special lenses one eye would have a lens that is thin and the other would be extremely thick. The trouble with the special lenses is that they add $130 to the cost on top of the cost of frames and the regular price of lenses. We drove almost into Pittsburgh to go to America's Best. They advertised two pair of glasses for $69.95. However, we sure didn't get that price! That price only applies if you need no special lenses at all. We did think it was worth the drive though. She is getting two pair for the price we paid the last time for one pair of glasses at Walmart. So, we didn't get the bargain price but it still worked out cheaper for us. And she will have an extra pair to put on if something happens to one of them. She really can't go without glasses at all. So, while Amanda is at school Jenny and I will go get her glasses and maybe have a little look around the mall. Lunch out somewhere we normally couldn't go. Then in the evening when Amanda and John are home we have to take Amanda to the gynecologist for her depo shot. They have really helped her mood swings. She doesn't have to have an exam or anything. She just goes in and tells the doctor how things are and he gives her a shot. That's it. Then we go back in three months for another one.

Last night my legs were aching. I laid down on the bed and John rubbed them for me. He did a good job of relaxing me. I never really got back up. I got up and ate some chicken wings and went straight back to bed. Because of being a diabetic and on insulin I can't go to bed without eating something. I really didn't want to get back up last night. I can't remember a time when I felt that completely relaxed. I was so relaxed that John thought I was sleeping. I wasn't though. I just allowed even my mind to relax while he rubbed my legs. He is such a good husband.

First Day Back To School

2006-08-28T05:15:00.000-04:00

We have heard Amanda awake since 4 am. She is so excited about her first day back to school. She knows she doesn't get up until 5 to get ready. We could hear her in her room but she did not get out of bed until 5. Of course when I came down the stairs at 5:00 I barely made it into the bathroom before her. That would have been disaster! Fortunately, she waited and let me pee before she went in to get dressed. John did not make it in before her. Of course he has the portable pee unit and was able to go outside. Having no close neighbors does have some benefits. She has decided to wear make up to school this year. However, after seeing her attempts at putting it on herself I have decided to help her. We wouldn't want her going to school looking like a circus clown. She has chosen her new jeans and her Scooby Do t-shirt with a little silver heart necklace. Last night before bed she had me paint her nails. She is wearing a very pretty cologne that her aunt sent to her from England. I sent a note to the teacher about her being ill this summer so they would not think she was faking if she says she is tired. I also wanted them to know that she will be having more tests for diabetes shortly. I asked them to help her make appropriate food choices. I am sure I will be getting a call this morning. If I don't hear from the school by 10 am I will give them a call.

We are still waiting on the arrival of Jenny's laptop for school. Her classes have been moved back a week. Because of the recall on so many laptops and laptop batteries none of the kids have gotten thier computers. It is hard to have cyber classes without computers. Jenny is so excited to get started. The last thing she wanted was another week of summer vacation. I am very excited about it for her.

Yesterday's trip to my parents went about as well as expected. We made a very hasty departure when we just couldn't take any more. I was doing my very best to hold back tears. Turned on the radio as I was getting in the van and Billy Idol's song "Rebel Yell" was playing. I was feeling a bit rebellious myself at that moment so I turned it up so that mom would hear it. I have decided that for one day I am going to dress the way I feel on the inside instead of what is acceptable for a woman of my age. Ha! It includes a lot of black leather and fishnet stockings. When I told John of my desire to dress like that he just smiled and told me to go ahead! There is a picture of me dressing up similar to that with Jenny but it is a little milder than how I feel on the inside. I am tired of suppressing my rebellious streak. Perhaps this is my midlife crisis. Oh well. I don't intend to dress this way every day. I just want one day to go completely off the deep end. Is that too much to ask?

John and Amanda have gone to work and school. Jenny is in bed. I finished my book. I don't know what else to write. I could clean house, but I don't wanna! I could watch tv but there is nothing on at this hour. I have rented dvd's but I don't want to watch them without John. I guess I'll go check out the news websites and see what is going on in the world. Maybe do a little ebay shopping. I might even get inspired to write. Just not in the mood yet.

Not going to church......again

2006-08-27T07:25:00.000-04:00

I guess we are getting into a bad habit of not going to church. I have a bit of a headache and so does John. I do enjoy church and want the kids to go. Jenny loves going to the youth group. However, the last couple of times that we went the pastor has been preaching with fire. If there is one thing that turns me off to church it is to go and be shouted at. I honestly believe that the Spirit moves you from within in that still, small voice. For me the message reaches home quicker if it is delivered in a patient tone of voice. If I want shouted at and judged I will go visit my mother. Which is exactly what I have planned for later. Actually she doesn't usually shout, but she does say things that make me feel judged. It is like she holds onto every bad thing I have done in the past to bring up now and then. Just to stick a knife in. At least, that is how it feels. I wish that every time my kids do something less than pleasing she wouldn't say things like, "They got that honestly." or "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." or "Remember when you...." It seems I rarely escape a visit with her without one of those comments. However, we promised to go down today. We were going to have one last swim before Dad closes the pool. It is chilly and rainy! Figures. We could have went yesterday when it was sweltering. Instead we worked our butts off and figured we could have our play today! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Oh well. I guess it is off to take some Tylenol and relax with John until lunchtime. Then off to visit Mom and Dad. Then we have to run to the store for some necessities. Then John and the girls will come home and I will go to the laundromat to wash John's work clothes. Those things are not going into my washing machine. They weigh a ton from all the zinc that is on them. It does not wash off. I take them to the laundromat and put them in those heavy duty super jumbo washing machines. Maybe next week we will visit a different church. One that makes us feel good when we go.

Saturday morning......let's get started!

2006-08-26T09:09:00.000-04:00

We had a nice sleep in this morning. I went to bed before 9 last night. Every part of my body was aching. We got up around 8:30. My brother was here for a while this morning. He just left. We are planning to do some more reorganizing and cleaning around here. We have been changing things around to accomodate Jenny having school at home. I don't want her taking her laptop and going to her room to work. I also don't want her sitting in the middle of everything where she will be distracted. I have decided to clean out the junk room (which I have been making very little progress on) and make it into a little classroom for her. The pantry is also in there but that shouldn't bother her. I am going to move my sewing machine so that she can have that table to work on. I would also like to clean the basement. Perhaps a corner of the basement would be OK for sewing. As long as I store my fabrics in plastic it should be fine. I don't have any expensive fabrics anyway. I am going to start insisting that the old refrigerator be taken out of my kitchen and moved to the basement next week. Next weekend I hope to begin painting my kitchen. I bought the paint at the beginning of summer and it is still sitting there. I am not about to let it go until after winter. I am married to a painter after all. A new ramp needs to be put on the front of the house. I don't think that one will withstand another winter. I know I have big dreams, but I think we can at least get a decent start on it today. If things take longer than I plan that is fine. They usually do, but if I aim for doing them today I will be more motivated to get as much done as I can. So much got so far behind with my infection and our company. Time to try to do some catching up. I just hope we get it all done before the cold weather. I would like to get the ceiling painted in my bedroom before winter and get a carpet. That bare floor gets to my diabetic feet every morning. It actually hurts me to walk on the bare floor. And my ceiling resembles an abandonment. (peeling) My husband looks a little forlorn this morning, but he agrees that we need to get on these things. So.............time to tear into the work!

Missing John

2006-08-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

Some days I just miss him when he is at work. Today is one of them. I don't feel like doing much of anything. I just wish he was home so I could snuggle up to him. We have such great conversations. And when we are quiet it is comfortable. When we work on things together we make the best team. It just seemed like that little bit of time between waking up and him going to work this morning wasn't enough. The last hug and kiss of the morning left me wanting him to come back. I can close my eyes and picture him. I can almost smell him and feel the way his arms feel around me. It almost always seems to be Fridays when I miss him most. Probably because he has gone to work all week and I am looking forward to him being home with me on the weekend. I cannot ever imagine feeling this way about any other man. He is my perfect mate. I hope we both live a very long time so that we can spend as much time as possible with each other. Hurry home tonight, John. You are missed deeply.

Limmerick

2006-08-24T17:55:00.000-04:00

Today I haven't been around most of the day. This evening I plan to spend with John. Jenny and I came up with a limmerick while getting ready to go out this morning. So I will leave you with this.

There once was a pharaoh Osiris
Whose looks were less than desirous
He appeared rather mean
Because his face was quite green
Or so it's portrayed on papyrus

Have ya missed me?

2006-08-23T08:05:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't been keeping up with this everyday lately. John had a migraine again on Monday. He had to come home early from work. I hadn't had the chance to post in the morning like I usually do. I thought I would just put something up later. Then John came home sick so I didn't worry too much about the blog. Yesterday I was having technical issues. Since there is nothing available where I am but dial up that is what I have. The phone company was having some sort of issue. So, for much of the day I had no phone or internet. I almost had to resort to cleaning the house for entertainment! Today I am getting ready to take the girls for haircuts. Mom has offered to get it done for them. So I guess it is a day out with Grandma. I hope it goes well. Some days it does. Some days it doesn't. Depends on whether she is the mood to "preach". Some days she can make me feel so small. Well, I best be getting something to eat and getting dressed. I don't think Mom would appreciate me going in my froggie nightshirt. Here is a little game my good friend Truckie sent me. I have spent way too long trying to park that car! http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf Hope the link works. Have never put a link in before.

Monday Morning.

2006-08-21T06:03:00.000-04:00

Well, this weekend went too fast! It was wonderful being at home with the kids and John. Saturday John has to work until lunchtime. Of course that was the day I had the migraine. Luckily it passed well enough that I could function. We had a wonderful time at the mall after we got Jenny's eyes examined. We didn't buy much, just mostly looked around. We got a bag of warm cashews and nibbled them while we looked around. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. We skipped church again. The pastor is going to think we ran away! We just cleaned the house and did some reorganizing. Still working on getting that junk room cleaned out so it can be Jenny's classroom. School for her starts in a week. They still haven't sent the new computer. So, I will be back in the dungeon today.....um, I mean Jenny's classroom. I hope her computer and curriculum come today. There won't be anything she can do until they arrive. She is so excited and can't wait to get started.

Migraine

2006-08-19T09:59:00.000-04:00

Not going to say much. I have to take Jenny to get her eyes examined. I am behind in what I have to get done because I woke up with a terrible migraine. It was the can't stand even the sound of your own voice, want total darkness, puking your guts out kind. Strangely, although headache medications do nothing for my headaches rubbing peppermint oil on my head makes them go away. I had to have it twice this morning though. My stomach is still a bit queasy. I just managed a bowl of cereal. I guess that means it is safe to take my insulin. Wouldn't want to take it and then not be able to keep anything down. That could be very bad. Well, off to take my insulin then.

Bad, bad day yesterday.

2006-08-18T05:44:00.000-04:00

Some of you already know I had a bad time of it yesteday with Amanda. She really had a freak out on us. I don't really feel like recounting the entire thing. I'll just say she freaked out in the van. Jenny ended up with one of her favorite shirts nearly ripped off her body and her glasses broken. I ended up with a fat lip. We had to get out of the van to keep Amanda from hurting us and lock her in until she calmed down a little. This happened in a public place so I am truly amazed that I have not been arrested and Amanda carted off to the mental facility. Amanda was not hurt in any way though. She simply had to sit in the van until she could stop screaming and hitting. She pounded on the glass and screamed. I think people thought I locked the keys in with her and she freaked out. I think that is the only thing that kept them from calling the cops. I was standing outside the window repeating slowly, "Calm down. Just calm down." I think if I was walking away or screaming someone would have called the police. Anyway, if they had taken her to the hospital they would have soon realized she has been there before for doing things like that. Amanda goes back to the psychiatrist real soon. I think a medication change may be in order. She can be so sweet when she isn't freaking out. Well I guess I recounted it to some degree. It's over now. Amanda is being very sweet this morning. We will soon have her back to the doctor to try to get things worked out again.

On another note, I was talking to my mother yesterday. She said she had stripped Maurice's bed of the sheets and matress cover, washed them twice and hung them outside. She opened all the windows in the room and has left them open since Wednesday. She said she would wash his laundry every couple of days for him and in the entire month she only washed 2 pair of underwear twice. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Walmart and dinner out!

2006-08-17T05:29:00.000-04:00

Ah, yes. The love/hate relationship (or relationshop, as one of my dear friends typoed yesterday) reared it's head. I made a trip out to our new Super Walmart. I guess maybe I should explain my love/hate relationshop for those that don't understand. Many of you already know. I love the prices, the selection and that I can get it in one place. I hate what Walmart does to the little guy and of course how new ones pop up where there isn't needed another one. Let's not get into replacing my beloved old buildings with Walmarts. Anyway, after a month of being told that going shopping was like watching paint dry, I was in need of groceries. I also needed to get some clothes for Amanda to start school. Jenny is attending cyber school so her clothing needs are not as urgent. So last night we went shopping. Amanda got 3 new outfits. I think she will look very pretty in them. Someone recently thought she was a boy. I got so extremely pissed. I don't think she looks like a boy but she has always favored dressing in less than a feminine way. She has only voluntarily worn a dress to my wedding. Any other dress that has been put on her has been chewed, torn and spit on. So, I tried to pick things that weren't overly frilly but still made her look like a girl. Of course, they had to meet her approval as well. It was a daunting task! Jenny was a huge help. I made sure to get Amanda some jewelry to go with her new outfits too. I am getting excited to see her all dressed up for school. I let Jenny get a pair of leggings she really wanted as well. I told her I would get her more new clothes but that it would have to wait until a little later. She didn't mind. She says she plans to go to school in her pj's anyway. I finally found the Gatorade drink mix. I have been looking for that! It was exactly where John told me it was! It is so much cheaper to mix that up for John and put it in bottles than it is to keep buying those 20 oz. bottles. You have to cut corners where you can. The rest of the shopping was just my average grocery shop. We also went to Garfield's for supper. They had a pick 2 for $9.99 deal. You could pick 2 from a list of appetizers, entrees and desserts. I wanted Bourbon Chicken. The price of Bourbon Chicken on the regular menu is $9.99. The price of bourbon chicken on the pick 2 menu is the same only you can pick either a dessert or an appetizer to go with it. I'm no fool. I took the free appetizer. I had 7 layer dip with tortilla chips. Everyone chose something that was either spicy or saucy! The bourbon chicken came with garlic mashed potatoes and yellow and green beans. Needless to say, we had a stack of take home boxes at the end of the meal. No way could we eat all that! I finished off the 7 layer dip and chips late last night. Well, I have to take Amanda to the dentist today. She has 2 small cavities. Not a problem for her. She loves going to the dentist! Is she nuts?!?!

Back To Wales

2006-08-16T06:02:00.000-04:00

Well, this is the day Maurice goes back to Wales. Actually, the last two days with him were quite nice. He seemed to enjoy everything. He can be very nice. It just frustrated the hell out of me when it seemed like nothing I did satisfied him. My feelings got hurt quite a few times. We had many nice conversations, especially early on in the visit. I loved to talk to him about his Spiritualism. If he could be like he was in the beginning and end and leave out most of the middle it would have been great. Poor Amanda is heartbroken that he leaves today. She cried for hours last night. Broke my heart to see her cry like that. Mom and Dad are taking Maurice to the airport this morning. They are stopping off here for Maurice to say goodbye. I am sure this morning will be hard. Amanda will be quite the handful. I will be grateful to get things back to normal though. Hopefully soon we will get the call that Jenny's computer is ready to be picked up. Will have to take Amanda school shopping. Jenny says she is going to school in her pajamas. Guess it doesn't matter much since it is cyber school. She is excited. I hope we hear from them real soon. I don't know what day classes are to begin but she hasn't even got the computer yet. Then we will have to figure out how to get it on the network. I think I will have to buy another network card. Going to have to get all that going soon. Well, I have a lot to do today. Best get busy. As for the tooth, I feel absolutely nothing there today. No pain. No pinch. No "funny" feeling. No pulling. It feels normal.

Tired and headachy

2006-08-15T06:12:00.000-04:00

I don't feel much like writing anything this morning. I am so tired and headachy this morning. It's not a major headache. Just one of those little naggy sort of headaches. Maybe I will lay down for a little bit after John goes to work. He is sitting here having his breakfast now. I have to take Maurice to the mall this afternoon to buy gifts for his daughters. He was rather pleasant last night and I enjoyed his company. I hope it carries on today. He seemed to be liking just about everything last night. He was more talkative and he laughed a lot. We got some good pictures of him with everyone last night. I think he was really surprised that we gave him a birthday party. I have a lot of things that need doing around the house. I am going to do as much as I can but not push it or the headache will get worse. As for my jaw. It isn't bothering me in the least this morning. It still feels a bit "funny" but no pain. I can even poke at it without pain. I guess what feels "funny" to me is the fact that there isn't a tooth there! There is a slight pulling feeling there. I guess that is the gums healing. Won't be long until I don't even notice it.

I can't believe I like the weekdays more!

2006-08-14T06:31:00.000-04:00

Yep. I have really been looking forward to the weekdays. On weekends we feel obligated to spend John's off time with Maurice. It's like on weekends we run around doing things to try to please him and failing every time. He didn't say one way or the other if he liked the museum. I know the kids had a good time. We really couldn't afford it but we did it anyway. At least the girls had a good time. We didn't get to see a lot of the museum. John and I want to take the girls on our own again sometime so that we can see the rest. John was a bit snippy yesterday. The stress of this visit is getting to him too. He told me this morning that he doesn't want him invited back. He said (and I agree) that he feels that Maurice doesn't care much for us. He seems to rave about my mother and he will sit and talk to my dad and brother for hours. As far as when he is with us though he seems very uninterested. John says he will ask him how work was and when he answers him he just gets a blank look on and starts looking around the room. I am getting really tired of insinuations that I need to kill some of my cats. I said something about having too many of them and that I needed to get rid of some. (I meant I need to find them new homes.) He asked me what method we use to get rid of them, putting them in a sack? When one of the little kittens turned up missing I was afraid a coyote had gotten it. It had been days since it went missing when I heard a meowing coming from some tall grass between some of the old buildings. I followed the sound and found the kitten. It was extremely bony and had a bite mark on it's neck. I guess this little kitty put up a good fight and got away. It must not have known how to make it's way back to it's mother. I picked it up and cleaned it off and hand fed it. Then I gave it back to it's mother. She took it right back. She has now moved all of the kittens. I don't know where they are now but I know she has taken them. She is a good one for moving them when she feels they are in danger. Maurice told me I would have been better off leaving the kitten out there to die. There is also a stray, feral cat that has moved into one of the buildings and has had kittens. So I know we can't keep all of these cats. We are definately becoming over populated. I have decided to box trap the feral cat and her kittens and take her to an agency that cares for feral cats. I plan to find new homes for most of our cats. Then I will be able to afford to get the ones we are keeping fixed. Our inside cat escaped a the house a while back and she is looking rather round too! We definately need to cut down the cats but not by killing them! Maurice wanted John to shoot the stray and let her babies die. He seems to think I am silly for not wanting to kill them. He now wants me to take him shopping so he can get his daughters something. He says they like gold. So I guess I have to take him to a jewelry store. When I had him with me in Walmart once he looked at the jewelry but couldn't find anything he liked. (Why does that not surprise me?) I guess I'll take him to the mall tomorrow. There are more jewelry stores than any other kind of store in our little mall. If he doesn't find something at the mall I am not taking him anywhere else. He said he would rather just give his daughters money. I think the whole point was that they wanted something from America. Tonight my mother is throwing him a small birthday party since his birthday is next month. Mom said she picked up a few things we can give him as gifts. Good. I'm glad she did. I don't want to spend any more of my money on giving him something he won't like anyway. He goes on about how hard my mother works. I know she does, but not as hard as he seems to think. She coddles him. She loves cooking and baking. It is how she spends most of her time. She cooks and bakes and takes care of her chickens. She also does laundry and washes dishes. She never cleans house. My dad cleans the house. And it hadn't been cleaned in months before he came. My mother doesn't even usually buy cleaning supplies! I think he sees me as lazy! I think he sees John as lazy too. The other day John was out on the lawn tractor cutting the grass. It was hot outside. Maurice and Amanda were on the porch. I asked them if they would like a drink. They did so I took them one. Then Maurice proceeded to tell me I needed to go see if my husband needed a drink. Well I pointed out to him that my husband had a bottle of water with him on the tractor. (Of course if John is thirsty there is nothing stopping him from getting off the tractor and getting another drink.) Then someone had left an empty pop can on the porch. Amanda was going over to pick it up and throw it away. Maurice told her to leave it alone and tell her mother to get it when I came back outside. I was busy cooking the horrid roast, corn on the cob, fresh green beans and sliced tomatoes. I didn't bother with making the mashed potatoes and gravy like I had planned. Wasn't about to go to the trouble if he didn't even like it. The kids love the corn on the cob anyway. Jenny had overheard him telling me about the pepper. I really did not put much pepper on it. I had barely sprinkled it. So she took the pepper shaker and loaded hers down with pepper! LOL I don't know how she ate it that black! She said she would have eaten it like that no matter how strong it was after overhearing him! Well, I hate to see how long this post is! I guess I should be getting on with things. I just bit my tongue trying to eat cherries. The side of my mouth that lost the tooth seems to work fine for biting tongues! Ouchie! My face is still a bit swollen on that side but not much. The pain is almost gone. John said the opening is half closed now. A few more days and I should be good as new.

Off to the Museum

2006-08-13T08:33:00.000-04:00

Well, it's off to the museum today. Not much time to spare writing this morning. I have to pack us a picnic lunch. The museum cafe is closed on Sunday. So we are taking a picnic to eat outside the museum. Last night we went to the fireworks. It was the second annual "Summerfest". There were some games and food booths set up at the firehall. They topped it off with a gorgeous fireworks display. It was even nicer than the ones I have seen for the Fourth of July. We ate french fries with cheese and sat in folding chairs and watched the display. It was actually a little chilly. I think everyone enjoyed it, including Maurice. I hope he enjoys the museum today. The girls are both looking forward to it. Yesterday we got a few things done. Amanda's bicycle is almost ready for riding now. Just one more thing to do to it and she can ride it. This evening she might get the opportunity to ride her pony too. Jessie is getting pretty old so she doesn't get ridden much. I hope today is a good day. My tooth barely bothers me at all so far today. I have noticed that I am really weak. My legs started shaking when I was trying to weed yesterday. I guess I just have to take it slow until I can build up my strength.

F off, old man!

2006-08-12T16:09:00.000-04:00

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Could we just fast forward to Wednesday, please! I went to the grocery store and picked up a beef roast for tonight. I have the roast beef in the oven. I said something to Maurice about having a roast in the oven. He says, "Go a little easy on the pepper, will ya?" WTF! I don't exactly drown it in pepper. I just give it a little sprinkle of salt and pepper over the top. Well I told him I just put a little sprinkle of salt and pepper over the top and he said, "That's what I was afraid of!" Piss off! Kiss my ass! He then proceeded to tell me it is fine if that is what my family is used to but if I have company I shouldn't put it on because you can always put more on but you can't take it off. Then he complained about the food in the restaurant my parents took him too. He ordered a hot roast beef sandwhich and was upset becaust they put it on bread and put gravy over everything. (That's what a hot roast beef sandwich is!) Then he complained about the way we make gravy here. (From the juices off the roast) Claims gravy is much better if you use an OXO cube. (which isn't available here) So apparently my cooking and everyone else in America's is horrible. Then he told me I need to be worried about Jenny because she is too quiet. Well she always has been. She talks to me. She confides in me. I think we have a pretty good relationship. He can just kiss my ass. I can't wait until Wednesday.

Welcoming a boring day!

2006-08-12T09:42:00.000-04:00

Slept in this morning. Felt so good. I think we slept an entire 11 hours! I didn't take any pain meds before bed last night either. That was just an all natural need for sleep. This morning I woke up with nothing more than a bit of soreness. I sort of felt bad that I didn't make any plans to do anything today with Maurice. It is his last weekend here. We are going to Carnegie museum tomorrow. Today though I just wanted to stay home and work outside. Maybe we will get some time to work on Amanda's bicycle. With that infection all summer my flower gardens and vegetable gardens have not had much tending. I hope to get them looking nice. John is going to fix the lawnmower and give the grass a cut. I have some laundry to do and I need to go to the grocery store. I don't have anything to cook tonight. I'll get something I can throw on the grill and enjoy outside. I am looking forward to an outside family day here at home. Maurice is coming over sometime this afternoon. I think he will enjoy helping with those outside chores. He does like that sort of thing. He also seems to be looking forward to the museum. I hope so.

Infection?

2006-08-11T05:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon my jaw started to hurt worse and the swelling increased. My stomach was a bit upset as well. I think a bit of infection has crept into the area where the tooth was. So, I started on the antibiotic. I had the dentist write me a prescription for one just in case. Glad I did. I started them yesterday afternoon. It already feels a bit better. I also spent yesterday rinsing with salt water. It hurt more yesterday afternoon than it has since it was pulled. I took a pain killer yesterday. The girls were both being perfect angels until I took that thing. I slept for awhile. Then Amanda discovered that Maurice and my parents had gone out for the day and it was possible that he wouldn't make it to our house for supper. So she wakes me up by screaming and smacking me in the head. I woke up a little disoriented also. So I am sort of wondering what's going on. Everything is sort of spinning. Amanda is screaming. The pain starts to creep back in although I still feel like I am floating. Finally get myself pulled together and try to calm Amanda. She is having no parts of being calmed. She goes between dialing the phone and getting no answer at my parents' house to screaming at me because she wants Maurice for the next 3 hours. I keep telling her that Grandma will call us when she gets home and we will go get Maurice. John had to stop at Sears to get a new belt for the lawn tractor so he is late getting home. Jenny has taken to hiding in her room so as not to catch Amanda's wrath. Finally, just as I am putting supper on the table my mother calls. Maurice is there. Obviously he is not going to be with me for supper. I tell her that we will eat and then come down for a visit. Amanda refuses to eat because she wants to eat with Maurice. I had made ham and french fries because they didn't require much messing with while Amanda was having her melt down. So I told her if she didn't eat she wasn't going to get anything to eat. So she still refuses the meal claiming she hates ham and french fries. (Since when?) She makes herself a peanutbutter sandwich. Fine. I don't care. The rest of us eat our ham and french fries. We had a nice visit at my parents house. Amanda acted as though she were an angel all day. (Mom knew better though.) Today the older folks are planning a trip away all day. They don't intend to come home until bedtime. They told Amanda that they would be gone. Let's hope it sunk in and she doesn't have another melt down today. She has had at least a minor one every day since Maurice got here. She adores him and wants to spend every minute with him. Once lunch is over she starts fretting about seeing him. Around 3 she usually goes into her screaming, hitting thing. He usually gets here around 4. So I usually only have it to deal with for an hour. Last night they didn't call until around 6, so it was a hard night. IF Amanda does not go wild tonight I hope we can cut some grass and work on her bicycle. She has made it impossible to do anything but tend to her this entire month. My nerves are shot. I love this early morning. John has just left for work and the kids are still asleep. Amanda won't sleep for long though. It is just so quiet and peaceful. I am tired. I just don't want to go back to sleep and miss the most peaceful part of my day.

The Sound of Rain

2006-08-10T05:51:00.000-04:00

Sitting here this morning I can here the sound of rain. It has been so terribly dry, hot and humid. It sounds like a nice soft, steady rain. The perfect kind of rain. If I went outside I know I would be able to smell that wonderful smell that comes with this kind of rain. I had planned to put my laundry out on the line today but I will gladly use the dryer in exchange for some nice rain. I can feel a gentle, cool breeze coming in the window as well. This rain should make the day comfortable.

Speaking of comfort, my jaw is a little sore this morning. The swelling in my face has gone down. When the swelling went down the purple around my eye went away with it. The pain in my jaw today is a sort of dull ache with a nice jab of sharp pain now and again. Nothing unbearable. I think over the counter pain killers should do the trick today. I don't like taking the prescription ones any more than necessary. I don't like how drowsy I feel when I take them. I tend to try to take them only at bedtime so I can get a good night's rest.

Well, there is nothing much on my mind this morning. I am going to read a little this morning. I hope to get some laundry done and my floors swept and mopped today. What an exciting day! LOL

Survived!

2006-08-09T06:19:00.000-04:00

Well, I am here and not dead. I didn't croak in the dentist chair. I was terribly scared. My whole body shook pretty hard the entire time. I just couldn't stop it. He said he thinks I need to be sedated if I ever have a tooth pulled again because I am so afraid. I could tell he was pretty upset with me for my fear but I really couldn't help it. The worst part of the whole ordeal was the dentist being upset with me. He said he didn't have the patience for me. At that point all I could do was cry. It didn't hurt at all. He got it good and numb and he was fast. I really felt nothing. I was pretty sore last night although not nearly in as much pain as I was before I had the tooth out. It only hurts a little this morning. This after pain is much more bearable than the pain before. I don't think my fear is so much of the pain as it is of feeling looked down on. I have never gone to a dentist that didn't make me feel like a pain in the ass stupid idiot. I keep starting to cry. I try to stop it. I can't. Everyone thinks I am just in a lot of pain. The pain isn't so bad at all. I just keep remembering the dentist with a sharp tone in his voice saying he didn't have the patience for me and that it was the end of his day and he wanted to go home. Then when I started to say something he just grabbed my mouth open and pulled out the tooth. If I am just given a second to take a deep breath I can always get myself calm, but I didn't get that. That's really when the shaking started the worst. I was shaking before but that is when it became uncontrollable. I know I am a horrible patient. It isn't really so much the pain that scares me though. I knew that pain would be less than the pain I had been enduring for the past 2 months. He said I probably wouldn't even need an aspirin. Now that certainly wasn't true but I could probably stand just a couple of Tylenol. He gave me pain meds which I took last night so I could rest better. I don't think I am going to take anything today unless it is really bothering me. If it isn't too bad I will just stick with the Tylenol.

Learning.

2006-08-08T06:09:00.000-04:00

Just trying to see if this will work here. Not sure if I know how to do this yet. If I am doing this all wrong, tell me about it, Adam.

Dentist

2006-08-08T05:46:00.000-04:00

Today is the day I must go to the dentist. Talk about waking up with a feeling of dread! I will be relieved to have the tooth gone. It has given me so much trouble. I am so scared. My stomach is really upset this morning. Is it the tooth causing it or is it the fear? I am afraid I will die in the dentist chair. John said to me last night, "You really are terribly afraid aren't you?" Gee, what have I been telling him! He says it won't be so bad. I tell him he'll feel like a fool if I die. I wish he could be there. I guess I will just have to go with my mother taking me. Now that won't make me a bit nervous, will it? (Wonder if the sarcasm in my head can be heard.) Amanda and Jenny are going to be staying with my dad and Maurice while I get my tooth taken out. It is hurting a good bit this morning but I am still afraid. I guess I'm so scared I don't even have much to say. If I never come back, you will know that my worst nightmare happened and I died in a dentist chair.

Kennywood.

2006-08-07T07:28:00.000-04:00

Here is our first Kennywood picture. We don't have the rest of them off the computer yet.

One More Day

2006-08-07T05:56:00.000-04:00

Well Kennywood is over and there is one more day until I have to go to the dentist. Got it into my head in the middle of the night that I am going to die in the dentist chair. I think I will call them today and get a little more antibiotic. I am all out and since I have a heart murmur I should have one just before I go in. Otherwise, there is a possibility I could die in the dentist chair. At least this is what I have been told. Everyone keeps assuring me that it is not going to be bad. I hope they give me good drugs when I am done though. I want to sleep it all off. Mom says she will take care of feeding my family and make me some soft stuff. I'm still pretty scared but not as bad as I was. As long as I don't die in the chair. Speaking of dying, my brother was sure my Dad was going to have a heart attack and die on one of the roller coasters. He's such a mother hen. They do have warnings about not going on the rides if you have a heart condition, but Dad can read. I told Dad that Matthew was worried about him going on the roller coasters. His reply was, "but that's my favorite ride." I don't much care for roller coasters. They give me a headache, but Dad loves them. So I told him to enjoy himself but if he had a heart attack and died I would most likely be in deep shit. He laughed and told me that Matthew doesn't like him to do anything. Anyway, Dad's doctor has given him no restrictions. Dad loves the ride. He knows about the warning. Matthew's first reaction when Dad got off the ride was, "Look how red his face is!" I said, "Look how red everyone's face is. Look at the grin from ear to ear." I don't want Dad to die. I love him very much. He knows it too. Someday he will die, though. I hope it won't be for a very long time. I just don't want to stop him from doing things that put that ear to ear grin on his face while he is still with us. What point is there to keeping death at bay if you are miserable? Other than Matthew being a mother hen to Dad the day was pretty enjoyable. I don't think Maurice thought so most of the time, although he was grinning on the bumper cars. He wouldn't ride much but he decided he was going to have it out for the kids on the bumper cars. We all love him to death. As Dad put it, "He's just set in his ways." It was not unbearably hot. It was hot but bearable. In the hottest part of the day we went on the water rides. Sure didn't take long to dry off. The ride operators all seemed to be in good spirits. The day sped past. We were all exhausted after our day out. It is so much more work when you are taking Amanda. She has to be lifted on and off everything. John's back is sore. I will give him a nice long massage after work. His love for his daughters really shines through on Kennywood Day. You would never guess that they weren't biologically his. (Wasn't too long ago that somebody told him his daughter, Jenny, looked just like him! He beamed!) They may not be his in the biological sense but in the heart, where it matters, they couldn't be more his. I know that when they think of who thier Dad is it is his face that comes to mind. They went to pretty much being someone's responsibility and obligation (That's how my ex treated it anyway. Never heard from him unless he wanted something.) to being someone's pride and joy. I sit back and watch my family look at each other with love on thier faces. I see the teasing and laughter that should come from fathers and daughters. I see the hugs and the serious talks. I watch as John fixes things for them or offers them fatherly advice. I am proud of what my family is. A day at Kennywood always lets me see what a wonderful family I have.

Kennywood!

2006-08-06T08:14:00.000-04:00

Well, this is it! Kennywood day. I don't intent to make a very long post this morning. I have less than an hour and a half to be ready to go. Amanda is terribly excited. Jenny is a little more laid back. John and I are bracing ourselves for the most tiring day of the year. We didn't make it to the mountains. The brakes felt a little funny to me and I didn't want to risk coming off a mountain with no brakes. Dad says that to drive it around on flat ground for a week and see if it feels better by next week. If it doesn't he'll see what's going on. So we took the girls to see Monster House with Maurice. Everyone seemed to enjoy it but Maurice. He doesn't like movies much. He says going to Walmart is like watching paint dry and he said the movie was worse. Oh well, I don't know really how to please him. He is lovely to talk to when we are at home and he enjoys the historical things. He just doesn't seem to enjoy any of the things the kids like for us to do as a family. He is going to hate Kennywood day. He'll just have to deal with it. Then after the movie we went to Walmart and to the auto parts store to get things to fix up Amanda's new tricycle that I bought on my way home from the grocery store. It isn't perfect but it will make her so happy. I am so excited about it! Well, off to Kennywood!

Ahhhhh! Sleep! (at last)

2006-08-05T09:13:00.000-04:00

It feels so good to have slept until 8:30 this morning. Even though I was rudely awakened by a cramp in my leg. John was trying to rub it but he was getting entirely the wrong part of my leg. I know I was screaming but it was hurting! It is still aching. Yikes! We went to bed at 10:30 last night. I was so tired last night I could hardly hold my eyes open. I had a nice chat with Kim on IM last night that I wouldn't have traded for the world though. And Kim, if you read this.....I meant what I said about wanting to come and eat all your food! I wanted to make it into my chatroom last night but was just too tired. John has been really tired too lately. He works so hard in this heat. There is no a/c in that big old barge factory. Poor thing roasts in there while handling those huge sheets of steel. "The Pervert" at John's work nearly got someone hurt again. He is going to get someone hurt eventually. If he wants to live it better not be my John. The dipshit tried to lift over 6 tons of weight with a crane designed to lift 500 pounds with one chain that is designed for 300 pounds. Needless to say the chain snapped and the hook went flying. Thank God it didn't hit anyone. This "pervert" (he walks up to things and humps them) has done dangerous things on several occassions. He needs to be fired for the safety of everyone there. OK. Now that I have got that off my chest! Today's plans are that I go to the grocery store some time this morning. Then we have a nice little lunch at home. Later we are taking Maurice and going to Fort Necessity, Jumonville and maybe Washington's Tavern. Those are all in the mountain. Glad I got my brakes fixed Thursday. I sure wouldn't want to come down off a mountain with bad brakes. I guess from what Dad told me my brake shoe broke and dug into the rotor. I knew I should have had more brake than I had. I could feel the loss of brake and I heard the grinding on the rotor. I took it straight home but I knew that I would need a new rotor after hearing the grinding. More money I don't have GONE! So, off to the mountain for a day of history. I don't know if I will make it online tomorrow at all. We are going to Kennywood Park from opening to closing. Should be a fun day.

Gahhhhhhhhh! It isn't morning already, is it?

2006-08-04T05:45:00.000-04:00

This was almost the morning that alarm clock got smashed to bits! We got home from the fair last night after 11:00. Then we had to get Amanda to bed. Jenny disappeared immediately to bed. I forgot to put the coffee on for morning last night. So, now I have to wait on it to be ready. I hate when my coffee isn't just sitting there waiting for me when I get out of bed. And 5:30 comes way too early. They should move it back by at least a good 3 or 4 more hours. I would love to try sleeping until noon just one day in my life. Anyway......I could probably go on all morning about how tired I am and how morning comes too fast. Who wants to listen to me moan about the need for sleep though. At least it is Friday. John is off tomorrow. We can probably get away with sleeping until 8:30 or even 9! So, how was the fair, right? We had a great time. I got to the fairgrounds around 3. Saw my Dad as soon as I got there in the parking lot. He came over and helped me get Amanda out of the van. I went with him and met up with Mom and Maurice. (John's cousin from Wales.) They were in the agriculture building. Had a look around at the entries. My nephew, Taylor had entered a few things. He won 4 ribbons for his entries. He entered a box of my mother's eggs. They won the blue ribbon and were definately by far the nicest eggs there. He won ribbons for potatoes, green beans and tomatoes as well. He is always so proud of his ribbons. Mom, Dad and Maurice took Amanda and left Jenny and I behind in the Art building. I love to look at the artwork. There were so many talented entries. The favorite in the youth category was a pencil drawing of Johnny Depp as Captain Jack. My favorite in the senior category was an acrylic of a grandmother holding a baby. So Jenny and I had a little freedom! Amanda was off with the older folks. We walked around and looked at all the displays. I ran into a couple of people from high school. It was nice to see them. They were always nice people. Got hugs off of Dennis who had a locker next to mine. I have run into him occassionally over the years. He has never forgotten that I helped his mother care for him after his nearly fatal motorcycle accident. How many times did I sit and hold his hand when he was afraid? He lost short term memory for quite a while and had horrible flashbacks and thought he was dead a lot of the time. He remembered me most of the time and would calm down to having his hand held. So good to see him walking around with a smile on his face. Then we met up with the gang to watch Taylor in the tractor pull. He came in second. Only lost by a matter of inches. He managed to pedal that little tractor with 70 pounds of weight on it! Strong little guy! John met up with me for supper. Amanda had gone and eaten with the rest of the gang but Jenny and I waited for John to get there after work. My belly contained popcorn, hot sausage sandwich, beef jerky, fudge dippin' dots (sugar free of course) and a funnel cake without the sugar by the end of the night. Found the rest of the gang standing over a pregnant cow making bets on if she would deliver by the end of the fair. Snuck water in to a bunny that had spilled his water bowl. Went over and had a look at the draft horses. Magnificent beasts! They are so huge. As usual I found one that particularly liked being talked to. I really don't care who thinks I am strange for talking to the horses. Then I bought 6 raffle tickets on a Belgian colt. His name is Doc and he is a beautiful baby. I refrain from calling him little. I don't think Belgians are ever little. Then we went to the bull riding. It started to rain. The rain didn't last long but just long enough to cool it down. Found one of the barrel racing girls vomiting in the bathroom. Asked her if she needed help. She said she had been in a car accident and has been vomiting since. I told her to see a doctor. She said she would go to the hospital after the show. She went to her trailor to lay down. She didn't manage her ride. There were 3 injuries from the bulls. Two required ambulances. One was the rodeo clown. He didn't get injured badly. He got himself between the injured cowboy on the ground and the bull. He probably saved that cowboy from a goring. I sure wouldn't be brave enough to be a rodeo clown. It looked to me like he got a head to leg from the bull but not the horns. That cowboy laid on the ground for quite some time, but got up and walked off the field. The other one walked away from the bull but sunk to his knees twice walking off. He got hit in the chest. They wear a protective vest but they can still get hurt pretty bad. Most all of them walk with limps. I think they are crazy to get on a bull. I do like to watch the bull ride though. I get pretty excited when it looks like they are going to stay on a full 8 seconds. I'd be flying through the air in less than 1. We had a pretty good night and came home exhausted. Gee this is long. I am going back to bed!

Up again before the sun.

2006-08-03T06:32:00.000-04:00

I've been up now since 5:30. One of these mornings I am going to smash that alarm clock to little itty bitty pieces! Woke up at 3 this morning with a horrible, nauseating headache on one side of my head. Knew right then I was on the beginning end of a migraine. I woke John up to go with me downstairs to get some ibuprofen and go to the bathroom. After that passing out incident on Friday night I don't get up alone. When we got back in bed my head was hurting worse and my stomach was very upset. I asked John to get the peppermint oil out. We keep it next to the bed. So he got that out and rubbed it on my head. He hadn't even finished putting it on my head when I felt my forehead getting warm. As usual, when I have a bad headache the smell of peppermint became very strong. It seems the worse the headache the hotter the oil becomes and the stronger the scent. So the bedroom smelled an awful lot like Christmas. It was only a matter of less than five minutes until enough pain had left me to allow me to fall back to sleep. John held me close and I cleared his nasal passages with the strong peppermint smell arising from my head. At 5:30 when the alarm went off I was extremely tired, but........NO HEADACHE! I don't know how that peppermint oil works but it certainly does the trick for me. I was extremely worried about developing a headache today. I have a busy one ahead. This morning I have to take Amanda to the dentist for a cleaning. Actually now it will be my mom taking the both of us. My Dad has my van to put new brake pads and rotors on it. It started making a horrid groan on my way home from town yesterday. I only drove it home but that 14 miles through construction did the rotors no favors. This afternoon we are having our one day at the county fair. I used to go every day, but they raised the prices so much that we can only afford the one day. It used to be $3 to get in. Now it has gone up to $9. So with 4 of us we don't go as often. They made more money off of us when the admission was $3. The kids were under 12 then so they were free. Kids over 6 pay full price now too. But when the prices were lower we went every day. We went early and stayed late. We ate all our meals there and we bought things. Now we wait until after lunch so we only have to buy one meal. And we only do the things that are included in the admission price. They have included more events in the admission price though. It makes a really nice day though. It is usually hotter than hell, but for that day we tolerate the heat and enjoy the fair. Amanda can't wait to see the chickens with the fancy feathers and the draft horses. Jenny is going to go MIA in the carnival. I am looking forward to some major junk food and all the free pens , notepads, keychains, etc that I can pick up. John won't join us until later for the bull riding. We thought we would surprise him by entering him! LOL---No, we would never really do that, but the look on his face would be something! Taylor, my nephew is in the kid's tractor pull event today. It is where they keep loading more weight to the back of a pedal tractor. The child that can get that tractor to go the farthest without taking thier feet of the pedals while carrying the most weight wins. He was a runner up last year. He pulled 50 lbs of weight. He won a pedal tractor race the other day. He lives for the fair. So I expect to come home tonight sweaty, dirty, tired, sunburned and happy. (and full of junk food) I hope they have the mechanical bull at the fair this year too. Amanda likes to ride that. And the operators just love it when she does. They really razz all the men standing there watching that are afraid to get on it. Every year she rides it you can hear them say, "Look at all you chicken men out there afraid to get on the bull. Here's a handicapped little girl with more guts than you. You should be ashamed of your big chicken selves." Of course the bull doesn't buck very hard for her, but she does it with one hand in the air like a real bull rider. My brave little girl. You wouldn't catch me dead on the mechanical bull. I'll just stand by the chickenshit big men out there and watch. Well I am off to get ready for this big day. Hope we don't have too much trouble finding Miss Jenny today. She will probably be off running from ride to ride. God those fair rides scare me. I just don't watch her go on them and say prayers. I put her in God's hands and go about doing other things. I am so glad she is old enough to run around on her own now. When she was younger I was a nervous wreck. I much prefer stationary parks to mobile carnivals. Well, on with the day!

Amanda

2006-08-02T11:23:00.000-04:00

Well, the doctor called. Amanda does not have diabetes. She does have ANOTHER urinary tract infection. She is being referred to Children's Hospital to see a urologist to find out why she is getting so many of them. On another note, I was able to get a 2 hour nap in this morning. My mother just phoned and said she is on her way here. So, I guess this post will be short and sweet and to the point! Ha!

Up all night, no sleep all day.

2006-08-02T03:10:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am sitting at the computer in the wee hours of the morning. I was having more tooth pain. I took some ibuprofen and the pain has subsided, for now. I am really stressed out over this tooth. I went back to bed but I was only keeping John awake. So I came back downstairs. With no dental insurance my mind is just racing with trying to figure out how I am going to manage to pay a dentist, pay the bills and keep food on the table. I feel like there is no real possibility of managing it all. Called 1-800-DENTIST while I am up. Seems they have located a dentist that will help me although it is a 45 mile drive each way. I hope the cost is not too terrible. Also worrying like hell about Amanda. Doctor called today and said that there was some sugar in her urine. So we went off to the hospital for urine and blood work. If those come back bad then we have to go for a glucose tolerance test at Children's. I am blaming myself totally for this. She is overweight and has my genes. A long line of diabetes. Diabetes everywhere. Me, Mom, Dad, Matthew, Grandma and a lot of more distant relatives. It sure is easier just to say who doesn't have it than to list who does. Worry about my Jenny too. She keeps to herself far too much. She is a laugh and a half when she comes out of her little nest. I worry about her self esteem. It takes her forever to warm up to other kids her age. She prefers books, computers and video games to other kids. She is such a beautiful girl. I just wish she would open up. My mother harps on it not being good that she wants to stay in her room. It just brings me down and slams me right in the ole heart. And now that I am on Mom, she has a way of always saying what I need to do differently concerning Amanda's medical treatment. I do the best I can. I have made the decisions I have made based on the recommendations of her doctors. I feel like she never sees me as a good mother. Hell. It makes me feel like I am a horrible mother. I feel like a horrible wife and mother no matter how I look at it. John is such a sweet and kind person. He is always there for me no matter what. He would give me anything he could. I have never experienced anyone who wanted so much to make me happy. I don't deserve the angel I have in him. I so don't deserve him. I have always experienced men who just got sick of me and ran like the wind. Now I have this wonderful man who clings to me like nothing I have ever known. I am so afraid I will do something to send him away too. Gee, even my insecurity should send anyone running. OK. So, now I am sitting here crying, thinking about how much love I have for him. Thinking about how much I can see he loves me. I wish he could see into my heart and know how much I love him and value everything he does for me and every second I get to spend with him. Nothing in this world means more to me than these 3 people. My wonderful family. And in times like this when I am down and worried I worry most about them. I want to do everything I can to make them happy. I guess this is a pretty depressing post for the very first one. I guess you'll have that sometimes. I really don't expect them all to be this depressing. They will go up and down, I suppose. The ups and downs of my little life in my little tiny place in this world.