Up all night, no sleep all day.

Well, here I am sitting at the computer in the wee hours of the morning. I was having more tooth pain. I took some ibuprofen and the pain has subsided, for now. I am really stressed out over this tooth. I went back to bed but I was only keeping John awake. So I came back downstairs. With no dental insurance my mind is just racing with trying to figure out how I am going to manage to pay a dentist, pay the bills and keep food on the table. I feel like there is no real possibility of managing it all. Called 1-800-DENTIST while I am up. Seems they have located a dentist that will help me although it is a 45 mile drive each way. I hope the cost is not too terrible. Also worrying like hell about Amanda. Doctor called today and said that there was some sugar in her urine. So we went off to the hospital for urine and blood work. If those come back bad then we have to go for a glucose tolerance test at Children's. I am blaming myself totally for this. She is overweight and has my genes. A long line of diabetes. Diabetes everywhere. Me, Mom, Dad, Matthew, Grandma and a lot of more distant relatives. It sure is easier just to say who doesn't have it than to list who does. Worry about my Jenny too. She keeps to herself far too much. She is a laugh and a half when she comes out of her little nest. I worry about her self esteem. It takes her forever to warm up to other kids her age. She prefers books, computers and video games to other kids. She is such a beautiful girl. I just wish she would open up. My mother harps on it not being good that she wants to stay in her room. It just brings me down and slams me right in the ole heart. And now that I am on Mom, she has a way of always saying what I need to do differently concerning Amanda's medical treatment. I do the best I can. I have made the decisions I have made based on the recommendations of her doctors. I feel like she never sees me as a good mother. Hell. It makes me feel like I am a horrible mother. I feel like a horrible wife and mother no matter how I look at it. John is such a sweet and kind person. He is always there for me no matter what. He would give me anything he could. I have never experienced anyone who wanted so much to make me happy. I don't deserve the angel I have in him. I so don't deserve him. I have always experienced men who just got sick of me and ran like the wind. Now I have this wonderful man who clings to me like nothing I have ever known. I am so afraid I will do something to send him away too. Gee, even my insecurity should send anyone running. OK. So, now I am sitting here crying, thinking about how much love I have for him. Thinking about how much I can see he loves me. I wish he could see into my heart and know how much I love him and value everything he does for me and every second I get to spend with him. Nothing in this world means more to me than these 3 people. My wonderful family. And in times like this when I am down and worried I worry most about them. I want to do everything I can to make them happy. I guess this is a pretty depressing post for the very first one. I guess you'll have that sometimes. I really don't expect them all to be this depressing. They will go up and down, I suppose. The ups and downs of my little life in my little tiny place in this world.