Round and round goes my sick little head
I don't really even know where to start today. To be honest, I shouldn't be any where near this computer right now. I should be getting my house ready for John's sister to come. She gets here tomorrow and the house looks absolutely terrible. I just can't seem to get myself going on the things I know need done. I want to do them but I just can't seem to get moving. I haven't posted much lately because I don't feel much like doing that either. John is working hard and I just can't move. Some times I want so much to do something and then I just sit there and stare at it. It's like I can't figure out how to get started on it. Other times I bounce all around the house. Not peppy bounce. More like an unorganized, lost kind of bounce from one place and thing to another. I can't seem to keep my mind on track. I am excited about us going to the beach this weekend. I have never done something like this. I want to clean my house so I come home to a nice clean house. I want my house to look nice when Chris gets here. Then I sit and stare at it. I'm ashamed of how things look, but yet even that doesn't motivate me enough. I know John's sister is coming tomorrow. I don't want her to see it like this. I'm running out of time. I sit and stare. Then I do something but then something else grabs my attention and I am off on that. As I sit here typing I jump up and put something away and then come back to the typing. I am so completely unfocused. Why should it surprise me? It's nothing new. I have always been this way. It's just that something like company coming usually pulls me out of it more than it is now. I guess I will get it done. I will stay up all night tonight if I don't finish. I am such an unorganized procrastinator. I have also just felt so depressed. I haven't been this far down in such a long time. I went from feeling so great about myself when I dyed my hair to feeling so down that I can hardly move. I know that is why I am not getting much done. It's such a bad feeling to go from one extreme of emotion to the exact other. Just a few weeks ago I felt so happy that I couldn't sit still and I never wanted to shut up. Every thing in me felt like jumping up and down for joy on the inside. I tried to keep myself somewhat calmer than I felt. I kept myself somewhat calmer than I actually felt. Then it just all changed. One day I felt great. The next I felt like crying. Thoughts of suicide have come on strong. I haven't felt that bad since I got married. I am pushing away the thoughts but they come back. I refuse to let them stay though. My beloved little shih tzu, Momo died on Thursday. I have already been in the midst of this bad feeling and now I have lost him. I think it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Emotionally, I am already in a bad place. I keep catching myself going to check on him. Then I cry. I do feel like I am coming out of the suicidal thoughts though. Actually haven't had one in two days. I have felt really bad, but more like normal grief. I miss my little Momo. I do hurt and I do feel depressed, but I don't feel suicidal now. I guess I have been starting to come out of the deepest parts of the depression for two weeks now. A month ago I felt on top of the world. I have no idea why. I just felt good. The scary thing is I knew it wouldn't last and that I soon would feel like crap. It wasn't long after I thought that until I started to think maybe I was really just a pain in everybody's ass. Ha! The week before I thought everybody liked me. Then boom, nobody likes me I think I'll go eat worms. Shortly after that I wanted to die. Well, not all of me wanted to die. Just this really strange deranged part of me. Most of me still wanted to live, desperately. I think that is the part that keeps me from completely losing my mind. In those first days I wanted to cut my wrists. I actually ached in them. I just kept telling myself that it would pass and that it wasn't really how I feel. I haven't felt this way in years. I thought I was doing so well. I used to feel this way quite often. I really don't remember much of '97 & '98 because of it. It happened to a lesser extent in high school and shortly after. Since I met John it seemed to nearly vanish. I guess I have still felt it to a mild degree, but nothing like this. This past month has been pretty scary. My mind has been up, down and round and round. My thoughts seem to go flying through my head at lightening speeds when I feel good and then crawl slower than a snail when I feel bad. I am just glad that I feel like I am starting to crawl out of the hole of the depression and back to a medium, normal mood. I have never in my life been this honest about my feelings. I have never been this honest even with myself. It's a little scary to just write it and put it out for anyone to read. I'm just glad to be leaving the suicidal feelings behind. I hope they stay away for years again. This whole thing has probably made no sense whatsoever. I'm not going to change it though. It's an honest representation of what I am feeling, confusion and all. I'mm ready to face it now. I am seeing a counselor today. I think I need to bring up all of it. I don't think I have been ready to do that before. It has really helped me to write it down. Now that the world sees what a nutcase I really am, maybe I can just be myself. (except around my parents and my brother. i will never know how to do that around them I think. )
posted by Mayme @ 10:45 AM
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