Amanda is not well.

I have been battling Amanda's pneumonia for a week now. I had been noticing that she has not been getting well, but not worse. Last night her temperature went up and her breathing got worse. I called the doctor on call, who is NOT her regular doctor. (It was after office hours.) He told me to keep her at home and bring her in to the office this morning. Well, now her temperature is even higher and her breathing is even more labored. She really looks like shit. I am extremely worried about her and scared. I spent an entire month in the hospital with pneumonia hooked up to a cardiac monitor in 1994. I came so close to dying that they advised my family not to leave the hospital. Pneumonia scares me badly. This is the second time since this summer that she has had it. I sort of hope they put her in the hospital and treat her more aggressively. With her at home and this sick I am so worried. I want her to get well. I am doing everything I can at home and she is only getting worse.

Cats and mouse

I really haven't forgotten that I have a blog. I just haven't felt much in the mood for posting anything. I haven't read anybody's blog either. I just haven't been in a blog mood I guess. So......things that have happened recently. Well, I finally found homes for a good portion of the cats around here. We still have a few kittens inside. I have actually managed to tame the feral kitten that I caught in a box trap. She is now very nice and loving. She has gone from hissing and trying to scratch and bite when you come near to climbing onto your lap, pushing her nose under your hand and very loud purring. I thought she was going to be hopeless because of being so wild. Now, I must admit that out of all the outside cats she is my favorite. I am just glad to be rid of the majority of cats. It is not that I don't like them. It is just that 20 cats is too many for anyone. I still keep the sign up at the end of the driveway telling people not to drop off cats. I found most of them new homes by placing a really, really sad sounding ad in the local paper. I made sure to stress that these kitties had been abandoned on our farm by thier owners and that I could not afford to care for them all. That's when the calls started coming. When I just advertised as having cats and kittens needing homes nobody called. I guess sometimes you have to get pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, I am a hopeless case. Around this time of year every year the field mice start sneaking into the house to keep warm. Field mice are actually pretty cute and on the small side, but of course you don't want them in the house. I spotted the first one the other day. So I had John put out a mouse trap. The mouse trap went off the other night and I saw this little tiny mouse struggling with a trap caught on its tail. It managed to break free from the trap and run off. Last night just as I was going to bed the little critter peeked out at me from under the closet door. Then it slowly walked out into the room and proceeded to watch me. I held perfectly still watching it while it held perfectlly still watching me. When I finally decided to give up watching it and go to bed I moved and that startled it back into the closet. Since being watched with it's cute little face and those dark questioning eyes I can't set the trap. I have made John get me a humane trap. I will trap it in there and then set it out to the barn. It may get eaten by cats out there but at least I won't have to know about it. Or, it could be cunning and hide away well from the cats. At least I will not have to clean up its dead body and know I caused it. Pathetic, huh? It looks just like the one in this picture that I found. I don't seem to be able to upload the picture. Oh, well. It's a cute little mouse though.

Pornography and how it has ruined me.

I can easily say I hate it. I consider some images in which people are clothed to be pornography. My experience with pornography has poisoned me and tainted my thinking. I am no longer as accepting as I once was. It is like a snake that has bitten me and has left a poisonous venom to run through my veins and cause my very being to be poisoned. I feel that people do not understand my extreme feelings concerning porn. I get very angry at the images and at John. When I see something that reminds me of porn I remember how I felt at the moment I discovered he was a porn addict. All the feelings come rushing back as if the moment were happening all over. I almost feel as ill as I did that day. The only difference being that I stop short of actually vomiting. On most days I can forgive him for the past and be proud that he has been over 2 years in recovery, but then on other days... It is like I don't care that he has worked at his recovery so hard. I see something and I know it is the almost innocent thing that gently lures and convinces people that taking a look isn't so bad. Then before long, if they are the right kind of person, they are addicted. And those things remind me of the pain porn has brought to me. There once was a time when I wasn't bothered by porn. I didn't really think it was a big deal. I would have even participated in it at one time in my life. I was a real slut. I had no respect for myself and my self esteem was low. I searched for acceptance through sex. Then I dug myself out of that and I met a man that I fell so deeply in love with. I began to feel beautiful when he looked at me. I began to like myself. Then one day I discovered that my husband was sneaking to look at porn. Not a little porn here and there. He was spending hours upon hours looking at porn. I never understood why absolutely nothing got done around the house when I wasn't home. It was because the minute I left John was running to his addiction and getting lost in it until he heard my car pull into the driveway. In the moment I discovered it I felt crushed. I felt ill. I felt fat, old, ugly, disgusting. I felt that when he made love to me I was no more than a sex toy for his fantasies. I struggled to get through every day. I hated myself. I hated him and I wanted to die. There are days I still fight this feeling. I do fight though and I fight hard. I hate myself for the days when I, myself, was guilty of similar things. For a while I hated men. I really had to tell myself that men aren't all bad. (and they aren't) Actually, if it weren't for one particular man with a dear heart and a worn out ear I don't know where I would be. He has listened to a lot of very hard to hear stuff. He has picked me up when I was so low I could hardly move. He has reminded me of how much I really do love my husband. He has reminded me of how much my husband really loves me and how hard he tries. He has been a dear friend to me. Tony, thank you. You can never know how much you have helped me and I know it has not always been easy on you. I know the way I think is distorted. I just can't help that it is right now. I have gone to support meetings, but I always came away from them feeling so much worse than before I would go. They made me feel hopeless. And because of our health coverage issues counseling was out of the question. So, I bent Tony's poor ear. I know I need some counseling and I will get some but for today I feel crappy. I feel like withdrawing from the world today and locking myself away. Most everyone out there sees me as a freak. The way this has affected me has made me a freak. It's hard being a freak. I guess for now I am just stuck with it.

Sleep, sleep, sweet sleep!

That's all I want today. It isn't what I am going to get, but it is definately what I want. I have been so extremely tired lately. I can't get through a day without a little nap. I know getting up at 5 isn't easy for anyone. Here is pretty much my weekly schedule.
Monday, Friday
5 am- 6:20 am - Get up, get Amanda up and put out everything she needs to get dressed, put John's lunch in his lunchbox, put breakfast food on table. Play on computer while everyone else eats.
6:30 am- start laundry, strip beds, clean up breakfast
7:30 am- wake up Jenny. Feed Jenny. Eat breakfast. Clean up mine and Jenny's breakfasts
8:30- go workout
9:30- clean animal homes, feed and water animals, play with animals
11:00- lunch-I'm usually starved by now!
12:00- clean up from lunch, more laundry
12:30- vacuum house and mop kitchen
1:30- clean bathroom
2:00- take a nap
3:00- watch tv
4:00- Amanda and John get home
4:30- start making supper
6:00- supper
6:30- clean up kitchen
7:30- get Amanda bathed
8:00- watch tv with my family, give Amanda meds and a snack
9:00- put Amanda to bed, get coffee ready for morning, take John's lunch for work out of the freezer, sign papers for school, get food out of freezer for next day, plan meals for next day
10:00- get on computer for chat if I am not too tired, if I am tired I go to bed

Tuesday, Thursday
Pretty much the same until
8:30 am-11 am- Go to the animal shelter to clean pens and feed animals
11- lunch either in a restaurant or a bag lunch, depending on my budget
12- 2:30- run all my in town errands, including shopping, banking, whatever else happens to need attention
3:00- feed and water animals at home, clean litterboxes and pens
after 4- pretty much the same as the other days

Wednesday
Morning routine the same as Monday and Friday until
9:30 am-12 Go to my mother's and clean house
12- prepare lunch and eat at my mom's
1-laundry, feed, water and clean up animals
2-nap
3-watch tv
after 4 pretty much the same as every other day.

Saturdays
however things fall into place. We try to have some fun and get some projects worked on.

Sundays
10:30-12 church
12:30 lunch either with my parents or at a restaurant
Lately we haven't done church or the special lunch. We have stayed in bed.
Most of Sunday is unstructured after church. However, during some part of Sunday I clip coupons and organize them, wash John's lunchbox, make John's sandwiches for the entire week and freeze them, make a week's worth of "uncrustables" for Amanda and freeze them, mix and bottle a week's worth of gatorade (I buy powdered form), mix and bottle a week's worth of lemonade or iced tea for John's lunch. John takes 2 bottles of gatorade and 1 bottle of another drink as well as a liter of water. I also make a point of doing something together with my family on Sunday afternoon. If the weather is fitting we go outside. If not, it is an inside activity. I hop on the computer for a few minutes here and there every day. Usually as I am doing my other stuff I'll just take a few minutes. Whenever I just need to do something different for a few minutes I hop on here.
Anyway, right now I just feel very run down. I made an appointment with a diabetes specialist for next Wednesday. I haven't had medical insurance for so long. Perhaps some of my exhaustion is due to not taking proper care of my diabetes. Well, now that I have medical insurance maybe I can get that back on track. Maybe once I get my health in better shape I will have more energy.

Morning's Beauty

This morning was a busy one for me. There was much I needed to get done and not a lot of time to do it in. I was busy but not too busy to notice all the beauty around me. I wanted to share that here today.

Jenny's room

This is Jenny's room after we finished it last summer. It's messier now. Typical teenager!

Another Monday!

I don't think I stopped by once all last week. I just wasn't in a blogging mood. Now I have my blog and everyone else's to get caught up on. I probably won't get to it today. I have an appointment to get my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed. Not looking forward to that, but I tend to get a bit bushy. I don't get them ripped down to nothing but I get them tamed a little. Jenny is going to stay home while I go. She has a lot of school work to get done today. I have never left her home alone before. I am really nervous about that. I know she is old enough and should be just fine, but well.... I guess I am just an overly worried Mom.

Yesterday we started painting the kitchen. We didn't get very far. We spent most of the time cleaning the walls and filling holes and cracks. We are painting it a cream color and a country green. The cream has a little more yellow in it than I expected but I still think it is going to look great. It has to look better than dingy almost baby blue with pink spots showing through here and there. Slowly we are getting the house suited to what we like. Some things my mother doesn't allow us to change. She wants all the woodwork in the house to be white. That isn't going to happen though. I think she'll like it once she sees it though. She has this thing about wanting to keep everything the way it was when my grandmother was living. The last time most of the things in this house have been changed has been at least 25 years ago. We were finally allowed to change the carpet in the living room when it started to fall apart on the floors. It was bright red. When we took the shreds of it out we found newspaper underneath that they used as padding, I think. It was dated 1950. We have dark paneling on the living room walls which I would like to change but we don't have the money for that yet. So Mom won't have to worry about that being changed just yet. The two bedrooms upstairs had an awful gold carpet in them. It also smelled bad. She didn't complain when I ripped them up and tossed them out the upstairs window. She knew they were awful. Our bedroom used to be painted with lilac walls and green ceiling, not to mention the gold carpet. We have since painted the walls of our bedroom blue but we haven't done the ceiling yet. It is still dingy green and peeling. I feel like I am sleeping in one of Motts' abandonements when I look at the ceiling. We wanted to do the kitchen before we do the ceiling though. We are having a party the end of the month and want the kitchen to be done by then. After the kitchen is done we will tackle the hallway. That should be done before the party too. There is a hole in the ceiling there now. The plaster fell down one day while we were out. So we have to repair that and paint it. Then we can finish our room. We have bare floors in there now too. It hurts my feet. So as soon as we can afford it we are putting a carpet down in there. We need so many things done here. The joys of an old house, huh? We just do them as we can. At least we don't have red carpet in the living room anymore. And the mardi gras bedroom is gone. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it were vivid mardi gras colors. Dingy, pale versions don't cut it. Jenny's bedroom had last been painted when my brother was 1 and I was 3. He was sleeping in the room and my grandmother left the lid off the paint can. So I decided to paint my little brother's feet. We did Jenny's room for her last summer as a surprise while she was away at her Dad's. She loved it. All her friends wanted to know if we would decorate thier rooms! Ha! The kitchen also needs new flooring. Let's not even get started on what needs done outside.