Helplessly, hopelessly dreaming.

I woke up this morning crying. It was the dream I had last night. In the dream I went to a foster home to see about adopting a bi-racial baby. She was very sweet and well cared for but it wasn't her that won my heart in the dream. In the same foster home there were two teenage boys. They were rough characters and one of them was the father to the baby. He was fighting the baby being given for adoption and wanted his daughter. But in the same foster home there was this little girl. She was six. I don't know how I knew she was six but I did. The boys teased her constantly telling her she was a no good Mexican child whose parents had dropped her off in America and abandoned. They kept telling her that nobody was going to want her because not even her parents did. I asked the foster mother if it was true that she had been abandoned and she told me she had. The little girl was very sad. She was afraid of everyone and she was convinced that I would not like her. She just kept saying that nobody liked her. She had no toys, not even a doll. The foster mother was not directly mean to her but she didn't seem to take much of an interest and never tried to stop the boys from teasing her. I sat on the floor and talked to her. She asked me what it was like at my house. I began to tell her about the animals. As I talked about animals she came closer and closer. Soon she was on my lap. When I got to telling her about the pony her eyes became wide and she told me she always wanted a pony. By this time I was holding her and she was looking into my eyes. Then the foster mother told me it was time for her to get ready for bed and I knew I would soon have to leave. As I sat there the woman undressed her in front of everyone. Then she went to put a cream on the little girl's private parts. The little girl became afraid. The woman put it on swiftly while holding her down. The little girl had on a nightgown but the woman hadn't put any underpants on her. I asked her where her underpants where. She told me she didn't have any clean. So I went and found her some clean underpants and put them on her. Then she got on my lap and snuggled in close to me. I whispered, "Don't forget I love you. I wish you could be mine." Then I woke up. What really bothers me is that I know she is really out there somewhere. That she represents many little girls. And that because we are low income and struggle with our bills I would never be able to make her mine.