Change, my feelings, my love, my life.

Yesterday, when I went to sign in to do my blog, I got the message that I would have to move my blog account to the Google account. I could only skip this process once. So I decided to do it. Why do they have to screw with everything? I liked it just fine the way it was. All these "things" that are supposed to be the improvements I could care less about. You know every time they change things they don't work the way they are supposed to. It took me three tries to log on here this morning. I hope when I am forced to move my ezboard to the dreaded Yuku it goes better. So far it hasn't been forced on me, for which I am glad. Yuku, or "yucky" as we like to call it, is way too much like MySpace. I really don't like MySpace. I'm not into those "networking" sites. I really have enough friends and I am not looking for somebody "hot". I'm a perfectly content housewife. I love my lifestyle, which does not include a lot of money or partying. I prefer a quiet lunch with a girlfriend or a picnic with all my buddies. I'm not into "clubs" or booze. I enjoy being with my family most and am madly and passionately in love with my husband! I live on 70 acres and don't have any close neighbors to be nosey.....and that is how I like it. I know I am probably in the minority with not liking those kind of places, but that is just who I am. I can be outgoing, but I can be shy. I often base my actions on how I feel and what I sense. I longed to be loved for a long time, but resolved myself to be dedicated to my daughters and not worry about the love of a man. The love of my daughters is strong and I feel it every day. I did miss the companionship of a man. I longed for it, but felt it was not an option for me. I did not think there was a man alive that could handle the special needs of my family. I knew that any man that was bold enough to get involved with me had to have some very special qualities and had to be a very strong person. All this and he had to be kind, compassionate and understanding too. Then came the day I realized I needed a man here for his physical strength too. Amanda was getting to hard to handle alone. I clearly remember the night I knelt on my living room floor and prayed. I think I cried the whole way through. I asked for someone that could meet the needs of my special family. The companionship for myself was secondary and physical attraction was at the bottom of the list. I remember telling God I didn't care what he looked like if he loved my children and could withstand the high pressures of my family life. I would love him with all my heart even if I did not find him attractive at all. The very next day I got one of those email "surveys" from John. We had been very casually chatting online for awhile, but I didn't consider him boyfriend material. For one thing he lived in another country and across an ocean. I did feel comfortable talking to him about just about anything. One question on the survey was "Would you ever consider an online romance?" His answer was, "I would and there is someone that I wish would also consider it." I started to wonder if the someone was me. We spent at least an hour a day on IM, even with the time difference of five hours. I knew he talked to some other women, but I also knew he didn't talk to them as much as he did me and that they didn't talk about subjects that were very deep. We talked to pretty much the same people. I asked some of the other women what they thought he meant. They all thought he meant me. So, gradually I began to flirt with him a little more. He flirted back! After several months I told him I wished I could kiss him. He asked me if I wanted to kiss him with my tongue! I probably fell off my chair laughing! I told him that I did and he said he did too. LOL What a romantic start! After several more months I told him I would like to meet him if he ever got the chance to come to America. Then he asked if I would want him to come. I told him I would love for him to come. It took several more months before he made it here. When he got off the plane I couldn't believe just how many things I found attractive about him. He was the perfect combination of ALL the things I find attractive in a man, even down to the curve of the back of his head! The first time I ever saw him undressed I thought his body looked to me like a perfect work of art. I had never thought something like that about a man before. When we all got sick during his visit I watched him sit up all night with my sick children. I saw him clean up the vomit. When I was sick he sat by my side watching me sleep. I knew that the man I longed for existed the minute he held a bucket under my head when I was sick. He was everything. He was all that I longed for in spirit and I found him more attractive than any man I have ever seen. Even the most sexy stars do not come close to him in my eyes. Not only do I love his personality, I love the looks of him. I love the shape of his hands. He has the perfect nose. I have already mentioned the curve of his neck. I love bald men and I find the shape of his bald head very sexy. I can hardly resist kissing him when I look at his mouth. His long legs remind me of the strength and beauty of a champion thoroughbred. Why then, would I even care about looking for any other man? I have everything I have ever wanted. I hate the mornings. I hate that we have to get out of bed and part ways. I love the minute he walks in the door at night. I love sleeping with some part of us touching at all times. I never use a pillow anymore. My pillow is 6'3" and has an English accent. He says he feels strange trying to sleep without my head on his arm or chest. Usually when we wake up in the morning the imprint of my ear is on his arm. I never thought I would ever feel this happy.

Icky!

Well, yesterday I was convinced my upset tummy (and the other symptoms that go with that) and higher blood sugars were because of the time of the month. Today I am not so sure. I still feel a bit queasy, but it was John that convinced me I picked up a bug. Last night I could not even bear to smell food. I made John go get Subway so I wouldn't even have to smell food cooking. This morning John is sitting at the breakfast table. I go to put oatmeal in Amanda's bowl. John groans. I know he doesn't like oatmeal but he usually isn't THAT intolerant of seeing it. I ask him if he is feeling OK. He says he doesn't know. I tell him that sounds a lot like a "No." to me. By the time he left for work he was vomiting. Of course he can't call in sick to work or he loses one of those damn points. One guy just recently got fired for accumulating too many points. (even though he was given prior approval to not do the overtime because he is in college) John has already had to lose points over that bad tooth and a few migraines. So off he goes, looking like death warmed over and puking out his guts. I told him to aim at the person who developed this damn system next time he has to toss his cookies. Makes me angrier than a rattlesnake being poked with a stick! Being "that time of the month" does nothing for me controlling my foul mood. Of course my emotions have been all over the place this morning. Crying over stories on the news. Angry with John's work. Feeling all mushy because I love him so much. Wanting to hug my kids. Just a bit of everything. I still don't feel great, but it is better than yesterday. I have to do some grocery shopping today. Guess I will drop Jenny off at my parents house on the way to do it. Thank goodness they have dsl. She was really struggling to do her schoolwork with the dial up here. I can't wait until they make dsl available here. I will be one of the first to sign up, that's for sure. Well, I guess I should go get my grocery list made and my coupons clipped.

Cold, winter morning!

Honestly, I think my blood might be frozen in my veins. I am certainly looking forward to spring. There is nothing more beautiful than the snow and ice of winter, but that is all I can say for it. The kitchen has no insulation so that part of the house is always cold. I have a small gas heater on the wall which helps, but I can feel the cold coming off the walls. As I sit at the computer my hands are freezing. I can feel the cold radiating off the wall on the one side of me. I guess it would be a good day to bake something. I have a really bad cold. I just want to sleep. Not sure if it is the cold or the cold meds or both. I want to fix something nice for supper in this cold but my lack of energy and lack of desire for food is making it a difficult decision. I also have the birthday party (combo party for John and Mom) at my house on Sunday. (Both birthdays have passed but we didn't celebrate yet.) The house is a mess and I just don't feel much like cleaning it. I also have to come up with food for that! I have decided to make a sugar free cherry cheesecake and bake a ham. The rest I haven't decided on yet. I have so much to do today. Amanda is finally back at school after all the school closings, so I will finally get out of the house. I need to get that ham and the ingredients for everything. I also have to get a gift for my mother. I already bought John a new dressy winter coat. Well, I best get started. If I don't I'll never get done.

A month without shots!

Today it is one month since I started my pump. Has it really been a month since I last took a shot? Sure, I still have to stick a needle in myself but once every 2 or 3 days sure beats 4 or 5 times a day! For the most part it has been a smooth transition. There have been a few minor problems here and there, but nothing that would make me want to go back to the shots. It has certainly been a life changing event. I have enjoyed foods I haven't been able to enjoy since I was a child. The best part is that they didn't raise my blood sugar. I have refrained from making a total pig of myself though. I still want to remain healthy and not gain a lot of weight. But it has been oh so nice to be able to enjoy something once in awhile and not have it throw everything out of whack. Yesterday I went for lunch at my parents house. They normally eat very low carb. I don't know what got into them yesterday but the meal was anything but low carb. And it tasted wonderful. I tested my blood sugar, entered in the amount of carbs I thought I would eat. Then I ate and thought it tasted so good I wanted some more. So I ate some more. I entered the extra carbs into the pump. I could never have gotten away with eating the extra carbs on shots, at least not without a spike in my sugars. My blood sugars for yesterday were 84, 129, 120 and 92. (normal is 80-120) I cannot wait to get my a1c test done to see what has happened there. (a1c is an average of blood sugars over a 3 month period) A1C results are recommended to be 7 or below. I am embarrassed to say what my last one was, but I can guarantee the next one will be much better.

I also went to church yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I attend the same church as my ex husband's uncle and cousins. They are really nice people. I knew them before I knew him and have always gotten along well with them. Uncle Tom has always been so good to me and my girls. I showed them all my pump. Tammy (Ken's cousin) also has diabetes and couldn't believe how good my blood sugars are. Dana (another cousin) informed me that Ken's sister, Melanie (or the bitch as I think of her) is pregnant. Dear God, that poor child. Melanie has almost finished her schooling to become a psychologist. I sure wouldn't want her to be mine. Let's see, first off she planned Jenny's kidnapping and took part in it. You can find assault and kidnapping charges in her records. There are so many other reasons but I won't go into it. It would take too long. I really don't like her. I hope for the baby's sake she turns out to be a good mother. So, Jenny will be getting another cousin. I guess Melanie has not even spoken to Uncle Tom or any of her cousins in years. First they have heard from her in about ten years. Well, since she is the person I dislike most in the entire world I wish her labor to be terribly painful! (I wish nothing bad for the baby though. It isn't the baby I dislike.)

Guess I should go. I'm getting angrier by the minute thinking of Melanie. Time to start laundry and clean up this mess John tracked all over the kitchen floor this morning.

Good news, bad memories.

This morning I awakened to discover the Amber alert on the little boy taken by his father has been lifted. The father and son were found at a motel. The little four year old boy is now back with his mother. The father had history of violence so they issued the Amber alert. Watching the news and listening to what the family went through sure brings back bitter memories. Back to the days when my Jenny was just a seven month old baby. Ken and I had split in November. I had moved back to my parents' house. It was the day after Christmas. My lawyer had advised me not to let Ken see Jenny until we had a custody order in place. I thought it was wrong not to let a father be with his child at Christmas. So, I went against my lawyer's advice and told Ken he could see Jenny but it had to be at my parents' home. I put her on a blanket in the living room and went to the kitchen to leave him, his sister and her boyfriend spend time with her. Shortly after Ken comes walking into the kitchen carrying Jenny. I asked him what he needed, thinking he needed a bottle or a diaper. He said, "I need my daughter." Then he, his sister and her boyfriend started to leave WITH Jenny. I reached for my baby. That's when I felt his sister hit me in the head. Then she started pulling my hair. I pretty much ignored her and kept trying to get my baby. Then my mother saw what was happening and started to pull his sister by the hair. His sister's boyfriend was already in the car with it running. Then I let go of my baby out of fear that she would be hurt. Ken ran out the door with my sweet baby girl. My mother and Ken's sister fell to the floor on the stairway. My mother had ripped Melanie's earring out. JJ (the boyfriend) came running back in the house and hitting my mother in the face. My mother bit him on one of his slaps across her face. I was on the phone with the police. Then they all ran out of the house and into the jeep and drove off with my little baby. I don't know if they had a car seat, but I do know Jenny had no coat or even blanket. I ran out into the snow in my bare feet, crying and screaming for my baby. The police came. The Pennsylvania turnpike was closed down and helicopters began to search for him. A friend of the family who is a fireman and had heard the description on the scanner spotted them heading out of town. He alerted the police and they stopped them. I was called to the police station and told they had my baby. I spent most of the day there because there was no custody order. They did not know who was supposed to have her. Ken had a history of drug abuse and alcoholism. They were about to put her into foster care because there was no custody order. Finally, a police officer came to me with what Ken said. He said that I could take her IF I didn't press charges against him. I told the officer to tell him this, "I will not press charges today." So he told him that and the next time I saw that police officer he was carrying my little Jenny. I cried and cried and cried when I took her back into my arms. I took her to the hospital at the suggestion of the officer just to be sure she was fine. The first thing the next morning I pressed charges. I only said I wouldn't press charges that day. He only got a $200 fine out of it. Years later the state police came to our church to take dna and pictures of the children for use if they should ever be kidnapped. I had been helping the officer by organizing the children and getting thier paperwork in order. When Jenny walked up to the officer I heard her say, "I have already been kidnapped. My Dad did it." I saw the surprise register on his face. He then asked her if she was back with her mother now. She said, "Yeah. My mom is that lady helping you." He turned to me and said, "I see this is very important to you then." I told him it definately was and that I will never forget the moment an officer handed my baby girl back to me. That is one reason it has always been very hard for me when Jenny had to go visit her father. The court ordered a visitation every year for Christmas to start on December 26, the very anniversary of the whole ordeal. This past year was the first year she did not have to go. Of course she spent it sick in bed and so did I, but we were together anyway. I am glad Ken and Jenny are building a better relationship now, but I will never, ever trust the man.

I'm Back!

Wow! It has been a long time since I have written a blog. I also haven't read any for awhile. I just haven't been in the blog mood. My apologies to all my dear friends! I have just been so involved in my diabetes here of late. I finally got my insulin pump! Yay! I have also been going to diabetes education classes and reading everything I can find about diabetes. When I was younger I just didn't care much about my diabetes. Then I found myself without health insurance. Not being able to take care of myself really made me want to take better care of myself. I struggled through not having insurance. Now we have good health insurance. I intend to do my very best to take care of myself. I'm sure my body has suffered some damage but I don't have to let it suffer any more. This pump has been like a miracle to me. The differences I have seen in just the last three weeks have been amazing. I went from extreme highs and lows on multiple injections to almost always being in the normal range. When it does go out of range I can usually account for why. Most likely that I have not counted my carbs right. However, a return to normal blood sugars is just a few button pushes away. Not only that, but I can give myself insulin in less than a unit dose. If I only need .1 unit of insulin I can take just that. I just hope and pray I never lose my insurance again though. The cost of pump supplies is terrible. We could never afford them uninsured.