In Control

This morning it really hit me. My diabetes is finally what I would call in good control. It has taken 27 years to get here, but I have gotten here. So many bumps along the road, but I made it. There were some big challenges that I faced on that journey. Blood sugars that didn't cooperate even when I did everything "right", periods of no insurance or very bad insurance, depression, divorce, divorce again, domestic abuse, very little money, bad choices and plenty more. I didn't get here without complications, but I don't have the worst of the complications either. And I am here, in control. I nearly lost hope of ever getting good control. After all, I had tried for 27 years and hadn't reached it. There was one particular day I nearly gave up all hope. I went to my endo's office and things were not so good. I made the statement to the nurse that I was really putting alot of effort into it and I wasn't dead yet, so it wasn't too late yet. The only thing she said was, "Sometimes it is too late." I never felt every ounce of hope and positive feelings come crashing down so hard and fast in my life. I don't think I replied. I don't even remember much about the rest of the day except thinking, "Maybe it is too late. Maybe my life is really already over." I thought about dying. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be here with John and my girls. I enjoy my life with them. So, I made a decision. If my insurance would cover it I would try to get on an insulin pump. I was doing everything the doctor told me to do on the shots and was not getting any better. I checked out the pumps on the market. I talked to some reps and I watched videos. I checked my insurance and they gave me no problems with getting a pump. So, the next time I went to the endo I asked for a pump. I was prepared to have to argue my case for one, but I didn't need to argue. She simply said she would get me started on the process right away. In less than a month I was using an insulin pump. Now, only three months later, I am in control. Not only that, my control is continually improving! I am convinced that I would have had control all along if I had an insulin pump. I wasn't doing "wrong" things. Sometimes my circumstances prevented me from doing the best things. I did eat bad things when I was suicidal. I figured if I was going to kill myself anyway I might as well go out with a belly full of cookies. Don't think I even enjoyed them though. Now with my pump I can eat a cookie or two and still be in control. Now, those cookies I REALLY enjoy. When I do allow myself a treat on my pump I eat it slowly and really taste each bite. Then I test like a mad woman in fear of a spike in my readings. Nope. No spike. I have handled it well. Such an impossiblity for me on shots. I still do not allow myself a lot of treats. It is nice for them to remain treats and to be special. The other thing is shots! I haven't had a shot in three months. I remember that first day in Children's Hospital. They told me I would have to take shots for the rest of my life. No ten year old wants to hear that. Not only did I have to take shots every day for the rest of my life but they expected me to give them to myself! (Come here, Nursie! Let me stick a big, sharp pointy needle in you and see if you like it! LOL) Now, here I am 27 years later and have had no shots in 3 months! So, I still have to poke myself for blood tests. (I had to do it with shots too.) I still get poked with a needle to get my insulin, but it isn't a shot. And it most certainly is not every day and several times a day. Once every 2-3 days and it is done. It doesn't even hurt as much as the shots. Sometimes the antiseptic I use on my skin stings a little. That is usually the worst of it. So, I am in control and not taking shots! Yay! Of course, I still have that issue of my ankle problem. No answers yet. It does weigh heavily on my mind, but... Regardless, of what happens with my leg...I will not die from it. I am conquering the life threatening aspects of diabetes. I AM IN CONTROL!