A few more pictures.

Not much to say this morning. Still a little on the depressed side. Maybe tomorrow I will be more talkative.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Everything sucks! I just want to go to bed and sleep forever.

Playing with the new camera

Here are a few of the first pictures I have taken with our new camera. I am still learning to fly the thing! I am really loving it though. I will be taking more pictures over the weekend. I don't have much time to post this morning.

Today will be the first day I attend one of these diabetes committee meetings. I was talking to the CDE in my doctor's office tomorrow about it. She seemed very happy that I will be there. She was very supportive what I am doing. Well, my mind is pretty blank this morning. I have a lot of things I want to get done before I go anywhere. I should get started instead of sitting at the computer!

Weeeeeeeeee! New toy!

Yay! The state tax refund came yesterday. It wasn't huge but it was big enough for us to go purchase the toy we have been eyeing up! We are now the proud owners of a Canon Powershot S3 IS! So now we have to learn to fly it! We figured out the basic point and shoot photography on it. So we can at least start taking a few pics! There is a lot on that camera so we will be doing a lot of learning. I think it is a pretty nice camera for the price. Nothing is really wrong with the old one. We just wanted to get a new one with more options. We are so excited about our new camera. I couldn't sleep last night. I was just too excited! We went to bed talking about how it was nice to buy something for once that wasn't just "good enough". We spend 95 % of our time battling the high cost of being alive. It just felt so good to buy that camera. I am taking it with me to the doctor's office today. I might see something along the way. I will be stopping at my parents house on the way to the doctor. I want to show them our new camera. I have to stop anyway to let Jenny off so she can do her school work. Well, I best be getting dressed. I have an early appointment.

Love Lost

You kiss me good night.
And you kiss me hello.
You hold me tight.
You love me I know.
But when was it last,
That we shared from our heart?
And why does it seem,
That we’re growing apart?
The love hasn’t died,
For the feelings are strong.
But it’s days full of closeness,
For which I desperately long.
I miss quiet whispers,
In the stillness of night,
And the sweet sound of laughter,
Saying all is still right.
I don’t doubt for a moment,
That you love me as much,
But I long for some closeness,
And your sweet, gentle touch.
Your work helps our finances,
But it’s not without cost.
Because you’re not with me,
I feel very lost

Alone

Alone in my dark spaces
I sit and wait
Hoping desperately
For someone to reach out
Wanting to share with me
Stories and tales
Words and laughter
A moment in time
Anything to show
That I am seen
That I am alive
Someone show me
That I am not a bother
That my presence
Is not avoided
I do not want
To be alone

Loneliness

I am finding myself feeling lonely. I suppose in the very near future I will be too busy to be lonely. I also will be having much more contact with people so that will also be a fix for the loneliness. Sometimes as I am busy cleaning the house and preparing meals I just wish someone was near me. John working so much is really bringing me down. I miss him so much. I miss our mornings together and our sharing lunch. I am glad he is working days now but I miss those special times we had alone. My children are teenagers and they want me to leave them alone! LOL Amanda is gone from 6 am to 4 pm every day at school. Jenny is at my parents house every day for her schoolwork. John is at work. I am alone. John is gone 12 hours a day, six days a week. Sundays we go to church in the morning and then the rest of the day goes by so quickly. Evenings he is a zombie on the couch. I so desperately want a day where his thoughts are not on work. A day we can spend together doing whatever feels right at the moment and talking a lot. I miss talking to him. Saturday we had a great day as a family. We just took off for the day and went taking pictures of whatever struck us. It was a wonderful day and it passed too quickly. John was actually off this past Saturday. I would like more days like that. I probably talk too much sometimes when I get around people. It's just that I so rarely get to talk to people. I know that is going to change when I get really started talking to people about diabetes, but for now I am lonely. I am really looking forward to the lunch on Saturday. I won't be lonely that day! I will be surrounded by friends and family! Well, I better get going. Amanda is home today to get ear molds. I have things to do. Perhaps someone will even talk to me today.

Friday the Thirteenth!

And just what will it hold? Will it be a day of misfortune or a day of great times? Over the years, I must say that Friday the 13th has more often been a day of good luck for me. I have had a few misfortunes that fell on Friday the 13th. I have lost 2 cats on Friday the 13th. One of them was a black cat! She just took ill and died. The other was a kitten that wondered too close to the road. I cannot remember any other misfortune on Friday the 13th. I guess if the cats make it through today we are doing good! I woke up with a headache and upset stomach. I am hoping it soon goes. I took some tylenol and it seems to be easing up a bit. If the pain from my head stops the stomach should calm down. It feels like a mild migraine. Not one of those flat on my back, vomiting all day ones. This one isn't as bad but I still am feeling the light and noise sensitivity. The computer screen actually hurts to look at but I'll do it anyway. Stubborn, aren't I? John left me in bed this morning for a while but I got up before he left. I must have drifted back to sleep though. I thought I heard him yelling, "Help!" I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs, thinking something horrible had happened to him. I made myself dizzy and my head thump doing that! I got down here and he was sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal, a cup of coffee, reading the newspaper! He looked up at me like I was in serious need of the men in the white coats. I asked him if he had called for help. He said he hadn't. I guess I must have dreamed it. Seemed real and it scared me. I guess maybe I should be up though. Before that I was dreaming that there was blood in my infusion tubing. I checked it all out. Everything is fine. I wondered if my dreams were being triggered by my blood sugar being either too high or too low. I tested. It was a little on the high side for a fasting reading, but not terrible. It certainly wasn't high enough to be concerned. It is most likely a little higher because I don't feel well. Such a nice little disease though. It gets high because you don't feel well and then you don't feel well because it is high! It actually isn't high enough to make me not feel well. Later in the day after I had eaten something it would be a perfectly normal reading. It's just a little up for not having eaten. Ah, the twists and turns of diabetes. I can't even imagine how high I would be without my pump. (Sweet Pumpernickel, I love you! LOL) I guess diabetes is about to become even more a part of my life than it has been for 27 years. I have always believed things happen to you for a reason. At the age of ten I believed my diagnosis was a part of a bigger plan for me. I never felt I was simply to just silently go along being a diabetic and telling nobody. I now know where that diagnosis was leading me all those years ago. I am going to help people with diabetes. I will soon be involved very heavily in diabetes patient advocacy. I will be starting to work with elementary schools in the area on Monday. I start with the very school I attended when I was diagnosed. I am not exactly sure what all this endeavor is going to entail, but it is taking off and fast! Because of how everything has just fallen into place I am sure this is why I have diabetes. Here is the weird thing about it all. I actually caught myself enjoying the kind of life diabetes has brought to me. I am actually feeling very fulfilled.

Morning grumps and controversial shot for girls.

I am in a grumpy mood. I didn't start out that way. As a matter of fact I was in a good mood until John left for work. Then I went to the basement to start some laundry. John has sat 2 big boxes of books that I had ready to go to Goodwill right in front of the dryer. I had to drag them so I could open the dryer. Then I look up and notice that the top to the game table I had him give to the youth group last night is still sitting there. So instead of a multi-game table he has just given them a miniature pool table. (along with all sorts of things for other games that they have no top for!) The air hockey and table soccer top are still sitting there. Great! Now I have to call the pastor and tell him he only has part of the table before he thinks it is a broken piece of junk and tosses it! Oh, well. He was tired, but it still bugs me.

Jenny has to go to the doctor today. Nothing wrong. Just a physical and booster shots. She's getting gardasil. It's the one that protects against the hpv strain that causes some cervical cancers. So much controversy surrounding it because hpv is sexually transmitted. The thing is the vaccine protects her for life. I can't very well expect that in her lifetime she will never have the possibility of being exposed. It is, I believe, the most widespread STD there is. So, the thing is that once a girl is exposed to the virus the vaccine won't help. So, in order to protect a girl for life you have to give her the shots while she is still a virgin, or at least not exposed to the virus. It doesn't mean you are giving her the OK to go out and have sex or that she will go out and have sex. It means you are protecting her for life against something that has the potential to do great harm to her if she would ever be exposed. You can have the perfect daughter that saves herself for marriage and she marries a man who has been exposed. So, there your perfect daughter who waited for her wedding night gets exposure to the virus on the wedding night. If the daughter got the shot in her early teen years her chances of getting it are very slim. If she didn't she will have to be watched closely for the rest of her life for the beginning of cervical cancer. (and chances are that most daughters out there are NOT going to be that perfect daughter) Jenny and I sat down and talked about it all. She says at this point in her life she hopes to wait for marriage. (I know she might be saying that because I am her mother, but at this point I believe her.) But it makes no sense to me not to get the shot. I don't want her to ever have to have that worry. If one shot can lessen the odds she will get cervical cancer at some point in her life I am all for it. If I wait until she seems to be very interested in sex I might be too late. You can't deny that a girl will have sex at some point in her life. So, if you can do something now to protect her later I believe you should. So, my daughters will be protected. (Amanda had hers. She may never be sexually active, but you never know. )

In Control

This morning it really hit me. My diabetes is finally what I would call in good control. It has taken 27 years to get here, but I have gotten here. So many bumps along the road, but I made it. There were some big challenges that I faced on that journey. Blood sugars that didn't cooperate even when I did everything "right", periods of no insurance or very bad insurance, depression, divorce, divorce again, domestic abuse, very little money, bad choices and plenty more. I didn't get here without complications, but I don't have the worst of the complications either. And I am here, in control. I nearly lost hope of ever getting good control. After all, I had tried for 27 years and hadn't reached it. There was one particular day I nearly gave up all hope. I went to my endo's office and things were not so good. I made the statement to the nurse that I was really putting alot of effort into it and I wasn't dead yet, so it wasn't too late yet. The only thing she said was, "Sometimes it is too late." I never felt every ounce of hope and positive feelings come crashing down so hard and fast in my life. I don't think I replied. I don't even remember much about the rest of the day except thinking, "Maybe it is too late. Maybe my life is really already over." I thought about dying. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be here with John and my girls. I enjoy my life with them. So, I made a decision. If my insurance would cover it I would try to get on an insulin pump. I was doing everything the doctor told me to do on the shots and was not getting any better. I checked out the pumps on the market. I talked to some reps and I watched videos. I checked my insurance and they gave me no problems with getting a pump. So, the next time I went to the endo I asked for a pump. I was prepared to have to argue my case for one, but I didn't need to argue. She simply said she would get me started on the process right away. In less than a month I was using an insulin pump. Now, only three months later, I am in control. Not only that, my control is continually improving! I am convinced that I would have had control all along if I had an insulin pump. I wasn't doing "wrong" things. Sometimes my circumstances prevented me from doing the best things. I did eat bad things when I was suicidal. I figured if I was going to kill myself anyway I might as well go out with a belly full of cookies. Don't think I even enjoyed them though. Now with my pump I can eat a cookie or two and still be in control. Now, those cookies I REALLY enjoy. When I do allow myself a treat on my pump I eat it slowly and really taste each bite. Then I test like a mad woman in fear of a spike in my readings. Nope. No spike. I have handled it well. Such an impossiblity for me on shots. I still do not allow myself a lot of treats. It is nice for them to remain treats and to be special. The other thing is shots! I haven't had a shot in three months. I remember that first day in Children's Hospital. They told me I would have to take shots for the rest of my life. No ten year old wants to hear that. Not only did I have to take shots every day for the rest of my life but they expected me to give them to myself! (Come here, Nursie! Let me stick a big, sharp pointy needle in you and see if you like it! LOL) Now, here I am 27 years later and have had no shots in 3 months! So, I still have to poke myself for blood tests. (I had to do it with shots too.) I still get poked with a needle to get my insulin, but it isn't a shot. And it most certainly is not every day and several times a day. Once every 2-3 days and it is done. It doesn't even hurt as much as the shots. Sometimes the antiseptic I use on my skin stings a little. That is usually the worst of it. So, I am in control and not taking shots! Yay! Of course, I still have that issue of my ankle problem. No answers yet. It does weigh heavily on my mind, but... Regardless, of what happens with my leg...I will not die from it. I am conquering the life threatening aspects of diabetes. I AM IN CONTROL!

Stormy Sunday

Ok. Who stole the night? I think I fell asleep the minute I crawled into bed last night and morning came too quickly. I changed the sheets on the bed last evening, so I had the smell of fresh sheets when I went to bed last night. I always love that first night in the fresh bed. Yesterday wasn't the Sunday we had planned, but it turned out pretty good anyway. We got up and went to church. I really enjoyed the service. After church we went to my parents for lunch. We usually go there after church on Sundays. Mom and Dad don't go to church and it is hard to rush around getting lunch after church. So Mom fixes something and we go over there. The church is about halfway between my house and thiers. Amanda had really wanted to go fishing after lunch, since my parents had the pond stocked on Friday. She has been at the pond every day since. She caught a huge trout on Friday. She doesn't want to share her fish with anyone. I cooked half the trout for her yesterday. That half a trout was enough fish for two people! The rest of us had sausage and biscuits. Anyway, she wanted to fish after lunch yesterday. (I kinda got off the subject there for a minute!) It was pouring down rain with threats of thunderstorms. So, after she had a little hissy fit because she couldn't go fishing she went in by my parents' computer and we could hear her talking to herself. She was telling herself she could go fishing another day and that the flowers needed the rain. It was kind of sweet. Most people do this same dialog in thier head when they are disappointed but Amanda does it out loud. Maybe because she doesn't hear she doesn't even realize other people don't do it out loud. It always touches my heart to hear her talking it over with herself! So after she talks to herself she comes out and wants to go home RIGHT NOW. So we finish washing the dishes and we go home. We got home just in time for the thunderstorms to hit. There were so many things that we wanted to get done during the afternoon, but we didn't do any of them. Jenny went to her room with the ipod stuck to her head and shut the door. (her usual routine) Amanda went to her room and turned on the video games. John and I decided to ignore all the many jobs needing done and went to our room for a Sunday afternoon nap. Probably a good thing we did too. Just after we got up there Amanda decided to get mad at the storm. She started screaming that she wanted to go fishing. We heard her get on the phone and call my mom and yell at her that she wanted to go fishing. (Amanda usually calls my mom and yells when she is mad.) Sometimes when Amanda starts this yelling she will strike at anyone that comes within reach. She was out of luck for anyone to hit. All she could do was yell. So, eventually she settled down and went back to her video game. When we woke up from our nap we saw sunshine breaking through the clouds! We made an attempt to call John's sister for a little chat before supper, but she must have been working. So I cooked the trout and the biscuits and sausage. We ate our supper and John took Amanda back to my parents' house for a little fishing. They both looked like mud monsters when they got home. Jenny and I stayed home. She helped me clean up the kitchen and do the dishes. I did some laundry and put the fresh sheets on my bed. Then I settled in to watch "dlife" on tv. I try to watch it every week and I record it just in case I do happen to miss it. It's a half hour show that is about nothing but diabetes. So, they got home just as I finished watching "dlife". This morning I have to wash all the muddy towels and things. Also hoping to hear from the doctor today about my swelling ankles. Then this afternoon I have to take John's truck to put a new exhaust on it. So, typical Monday.